When I See Stars, That's All They Are
by gotalittlebitstronger
Summary: A collection of one-shots, mostly RLSB, some JPLE. Rating may change later. o24. Remus is complete pants at Potions. He didn't mean to feed Sirius a potentially-hazardous potion, honest. "Your hair is so shiny, Remus, how do you get it to be so shiny? And it's so soft!" There were...side effects.
1. Unwelcome Change

**So these one-shots will most likely be Remus/Sirius, possibly with a bit of James/Lily, maybe a hint of Frank/Alice...**

**Disclaimer: I don't retain ownership of anything Harry Potter related, omitting my set of books, my bookends, and my awesome bookmark. (Funny how the word 'book' is mentioned in each of those, huh?)**

**EDIT: So some people were confused about whether these one-shots were related. I wanted to clear it up once and for all: NONE OF THESE ONE-SHOTS ARE CONNECTED OR PLACED IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER UNLESS SPECIFICALLY STATED IN THE AUTHOR'S NOTES AT THE BEGINNING OF THE CHAPTER. That being said, Chapters 7, 8, and 10 ARE a mini-ficlet within a collection of one-shots...I know, it confuses even me. Just so you know, and so that there's no more confusion.**

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_Setting: Great Hall, some time in March, sixth year_

"Hello chaps!" Sirius chirped brightly, grinning as he sank down on the bench next to James and across from Remus. "Oh, excellent, sausages."

As he helped himself, the others stared at him, seemingly in shock. They were silent until Remus finally blurted, "Sirius, your hair…what happened to your hair?"

"Oh, this?" Sirius reached up a hand to absently tug on the locks lying against his neck and shrugged. "I decided to cut it. I mean, it was getting a bit long."

"B-but-" Remus paused, swallowing, then shook his head. "Never mind. It-it looks… great." He drained his pumpkin juice, then slammed the goblet down on the table, almost upsetting a bottle of ketchup. "Great. Just great. Yeah. Great."

James leaned over and stage-whispered, "Uh-oh Padfoot, you've broken Moony. He's lost the gift of coherent speech."

"Great. Great. Great," Remus continued to mutter to himself, stirring his scrambled eggs into Peter's cereal without noticing. "Just great. Great. No." His spoon stopped. "_Fantastic_."

"Remus, are you alright?" Sirius asked, frowning at his friend in concern as he once again began stirring, blending the eggs into the cereal, then upturning half a bottle of ketchup into the mixture. "Remus, Potions is your worst subject; I don't expect that 'cooking' is your forte, either."

"Huh?"

"My breakfast!" Peter whined, staring down at his bowl sadly. "It was the perfect ratio of milk to cereal…."

"You should've given us some warning, Pads," James said knowingly as Remus blinked down at his concoction. "You know Remus doesn't like change."

Sirius grinned and reached out to pat Remus' arm in a comforting manner. "Don't worry, Moonbeam, we'll help you through this difficult time. Hey Pete, I'll take that cereal if you're finished."

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**So I've been reading all of the Remus/Sirius love here and I finally plucked up the courage to upload some of my own work. Be gentle, loves. I'm not sure when I'll be able to update, seeing as my Internet connection is unreliable, but I'll add to this collection of one-shots as often as possible.**


	2. It's Coming Up Pirates

**I know it's November, but what can I say, I'm slow.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. J.K. Rowling has that honor and, though I hope to become as brilliant a writer as she, I am not her.**

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_Setting: Gryffindor Common Room, sometime in October, fifth year_

"A pirate!"

Remus barely had time to lift his homework to safety before Sirius was jumping atop the table and striking a pose with his right hand, in the shape of an _O_, held up to his eye. "Oh Merlin, do I even want to know?" he asked himself aloud, then shook his head. "No, I don't."

"Yes you do, Moony!" Sirius shouted, pointing his makeshift telescope down at his exasperated friend.

"No, I really don't-"

"The suspense is killing you, am I right?"

"Not even close-"

"I'm going to be a pirate!" Sirius proclaimed excitedly, overriding Remus' protests.

"For the rest of your life?"

Sirius beamed down at him. "No - well, possibly. Could I do that? But I meant for Halloween this year - I'm going to be a pirate! And I need a parrot. How do you feel about feathers?"

"Fat chance."

"Alright, then, I need a First Mate. And you'd look quite dashing with an eye patch and bandana, Remy."

Not for the first time since he'd (foolishly) befriended Sirius in First Year, Remus felt his eye twitching in that nervous tic he'd mysteriously developed around the same time. "Sirius," he began, then thought better of it. Heaving a sigh, he acquiesced. "Alright, but I refuse to wear a peg leg."

"What, are you mad? _I'm _wearing the peg leg, you get the eye patch. Now come on, we have to start making our costumes. D'you think Wormtail would let me Transfigure him into a parrot?"


	3. Not So Subtle Flirting

**Disclaimer: I don't retain ownership of the Harry Potter series, but I do retain the right to sob into my pillow because of it.**

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_Setting: Gryffindor Common Room, some time in September, sixth year_

"Moony, you know I love you, right?"

"Yes Pads, I am aware."

"You know I'd do anything for you, right?"

"Of course."

"Pull pranks-"

"Yeah."

"Become an illegal Animagus-"

"Sure."

"Humiliate Snivellus-"

"Spot on."

"Hump your leg-"

"All too well."

"Sneak to Hogsmeade for chocolate-"

"I'm running low."

"But even after all that, you won't do just this _one _thing for me?!"

"Writing one Charms essay is not going to kill you. However, if it happens to do so, I promise to give you a true Marauder burial, and the merpeople shall sing your praises to the Giant Squid for many years to come."

"But Moons, I'll do anything you want…_anything_." Sirius fluttered his eyelashes for good measure.

"…if that was a proposal, then you'll have to do better than that. I'm not a sleazy girl you can get with just a wink and a crook of your finger. I have standards."

James shook his head as the two of them bantered back and forth, Remus with distracted indifference and Sirius with sexual intensity. This happened every day now, the sexual innuendos and veiled seductive flirting. He wasn't even sure they knew what they were doing or saying. Even Peter had noticed the charged tension between them.

Yeah, that's right. _Peter_.

"-just do your essay, Padfoot!"

"I can think of better things I'd rather be _doing_-"

"Merlin's beard, just snog and be done with it already!" James burst out, leaping from his seat and slamming his Herbology text onto the table simultaneously, quite enjoying the startled expressions he received at the loud noise. "Wormtail and I can't be subject to this horrible flirting any longer! Come, Peter!"

Without hesitation, he obeyed, scrambling after James as the taller boy stalked away towards the portrait hole. Stunned into silence, the two remaining Marauders glanced at each other, then immediately looked away. After a minute of awkwardness, Sirius cleared his throat and rasped, "Er, Prongs is a bit off his rocker, eh Moony? Flirting, really…"

"Yeah, right, off his rocker," Remus agreed, flush receding a bit at the words. An instant later, his frown returned and he added, "Charms essay, Sirius."

_'Damn,'_


	4. Swept off My Feet

**Two perfectly lovely reviews, and many favorites and follows. Oh, and in case anyone was wondering - the title is from the song Some Nights by Fun., and it doesn't really have anything to do with anything. I was staring at the computer screen trying to come up with a title for ten minutes, so finally I just went to my iTunes, pulled up my Most Played, and listened to the top of the list. Yes, I know, my process is positively spine-tingling.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. In fact, I own very little. It's mostly just me, my books, and my Hello Kitty purse.**

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_Setting: Charms corridor, two days after a full moon, sixth year_

"Oh come on, Moony, you're dragging your feet! Just let me-"

"Sirius! Don't touch me, I can bloody well walk!"

"Well, you can't walk bloody well, so just-"

James and Peter stood off to the side and watched as the two argued back and forth. Students were stopping in the hall to watch as well, amused to see that it was Remus rather than James creating a scene with Sirius.

"Touch me again and I'll hex you!" Remus threatened, drawing his wand and holding it aloft.

Sirius put up his hands in a gesture of surrender and said, "Alright, you prideful git! Limp your way to class, then!"

"I will, and I'll do it proudly!"

"Good!"

Remus turned but before he could even take a half-step, he was swept off his feet and into a pair of strong arms, leaving him to splutter and swear (quite colorfully; his friends were a horrible influence) as Sirius, a triumphant grin on his face, carried him bridal-style down the corridor towards the Charms classroom.

James chuckled and said, "Well, Moony's surely going to hex him now. Maybe that interesting one that produces those extremely painful blisters on the receiver's-?"

They shared a gleeful look and immediately took off after their friends, nearly tripping over their respective feet in their eagerness. James didn't even notice the redheaded object of his cloying affections when they passed her and Alice, not even when she shook her head and groaned, "Why can't any of you be _normal_?!"

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**Yes, really, why can't they just be ****_normal_****? The answer, of course, is that they just wouldn't be Marauders if they were normal.**


	5. You've Gotten Taller

**Thanks for the reviews and follows, darlings. You can't see, but I'm blowing you kisses right now.**

**Disclaimer: Ugh, you wound me. I don't own Harry Potter. Could you look me in the eye and tell me, are you happy now? (Michelle Branch reference for the win.)**

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_Setting: King's Cross Station, platform nine and three quarters, beginning of sixth year_

"Sirius, stop jumping about. You look like a child."

Immediately Sirius did as he was told, scowling as James snorted at his obedience. "Sorry, Mrs. Potter," he told the older woman.

James' mother smiled and tried in vain to coax her son's hair into lying flat. It automatically bounced back into disarray when flattened and she frowned. "James, can't you tame your hair into some semblance of order?" she asked in exasperation.

"Mum, please, you're so embarrassing!" James whined, then immediately perked up as he spotted someone through the crowd. "Oi Evans! Hey, Evans!" he called out excitedly.

As the redhead stopped to glare at him, his mother said, "Oh darling, you've got a smudge of dirt on your cheek!" She licked her thumb and rubbed harshly at the spot.

"MUM! NOT IN FRONT OF EVANS!"

Sirius rolled his eyes as Lily laughed and turned back to her friend Alice. "Could you be any less cool, Prongs? You - MOONY!"

Remus barely had time to turn at his nickname when Sirius launched himself forwards and tackled him to the ground. He gave a cry of shock and pain as his spine made contact with the concrete platform. "Sirius, you prat, get off of me!" he yelped, shoving at the clingy boy draped over his body.

"Hey, at least I didn't _tackle _Evans," James muttered, folding his arms over his chest and glaring down at the two of them. "Padfoot, you're going to crush Moony's frail form."

"Oh, right." Standing, he somewhat guiltily offered his hand and hauled the smaller-

-well, he _used _to be smaller-

-boy to his feet.

"Bloody hell, Remus, what do they _feed _you at home?!" James asked as both he and Sirius had to crane their necks to look up at their friend's face (or so they would claim later).

"Crush Moony's frail form my arse."

Remus' cheeks took on a pink hue as he dusted himself off, mindful of the strange looks they were receiving from the other students. "I just grew a bit - only an inch or two. Stop staring at me!"

"Sorry, mate, you just…," Sirius trailed off, then his eyes widened as a thought occurred to him. "Wait, what if I'm the shortest - ah, Wormtail, right on cue."

Pushing his trolley up to the group, Peter blinked in confusion as they all fell into a fit of inexplicable laughter. "What?" he asked.

Shaking his head, Remus clapped him on the shoulder and replied, "Nothing, Pete. They're just being idiots."

"Oi, you were laughing, too!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." As Remus wheeled his own trolley towards the Hogwarts Express, he had to bite back a grin as he heard Peter say, "Whoa, did anyone notice how tall Remus got?!"

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**I don't like this one as much, mainly because it was meant to be the beginning of a longer story and I wasn't able to work out the structural issues, so I just left it as is - plus, I think the dialogue is a bit off, but oh well.**


	6. A Lovely Shade of Blue

**Warning: James has a bit of a potty mouth.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter… oh, let's not even go down that road. It leads to a land of rainbow-colored bunnies and unicorns, but it takes so long to get there.**

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_Setting: Gryffindor Common Room, some afternoon in March, sixth year_

"Moony! Moony, look, Prongs is blue!"

Remus groaned as his way-too-enthusiastic friend ran into the common room and pounced on him, scattering his parchment and almost upsetting his bottle of ink. "Pads, please, I'm _trying _to finish this essay!"

Sirius grinned and wiggled his bottom in a way that would have constituted as a wagging tail in his four-legged counterpart, saying, "But Moony, he's bright blue, look!"

The bespectacled boy scowling at them from near the portrait hole was, indeed, a rather brilliant shade of blue; from his unruly hair to his robes and Gryffindor tie to the trainers he wore on his feet. "It's not funny, Sirius, and - you too, Remus?!" he cried out as the normally straight-faced boy covered his mouth with a shaky hand at the sight of him.

"S-sorry, mate," Remus stammered amidst his own laughter as Sirius virtually collapsed atop him, overcome with hysterical girlish giggles. "Er, how did this sudden, er, change of color come about?"

When James let loose with a frustrated sigh and a familiar lovesick expression appeared on his face, Remus' suspicions were confirmed even before he said, "I simply asked the most beautiful girl ever born-"

"Professor McGonagall?" Sirius supplied helpfully.

"-Lily Evans, you prat! So I just asked her if she'd like to engage in an extracurricular activity with me-"

"Prongs, mate, you asked her to shag in a broom closet."

James growled as this information set Remus off and he didn't even attempt to hold his laughter in any longer. "Yeah, go on and laugh, mate, just turn me back!"

"Back to what?" Remus asked, sobering a bit so that only a goofy smile betrayed his amusement.

"Back to a sparkly fairy princess! Back to normal James color, you wanker!"

"Now Prongs, that's just rude, mate!" Sirius told him in a mock serious (ha) tone of voice. "Leave my Moony alone, it's not his fault you're a stupid git!" He gathered him possessively against his chest and glared. "Now leave us be, there is shagging to be done!" He threw Remus down to the couch and pretended to snog him enthusiastically.

"Oi, get off, Pads!" Remus laughed, pushing him off and sitting up. "Alright, let me see…" He cocked his head to the side as he regarded his impatiently fuming (and still bright blue) friend. "Right, hopefully it's just a simple Color-Change spell…knowing Lily, however, it's probably a bit more complicated than that." He flicked his wand and it miraculously worked; James was finally normal James color, whatever that means.

"Wait, that was too easy…" Sirius mumbled, then brightened. "D'you think he's going to grow huge b-"

"Please, _please_, don't finish that thought," James interrupted, but there was no snap in his tone anymore; he appeared nothing more than relieved that the process hadn't been painful and/or emotionally, mentally, or physically scarring, as Lily's punishments had been in the past. "That's strange, Evans usually saves her worst spells for me. Maybe she just couldn't think of anything else…?"

"Well, I think maybe she was going easy on you, mate."

Remus immediately regretted those words as James' eyes widened at the suggestion, even more so when he puffed his chest out proudly and shouted, "Aha! Her resolve is weakening!" He turned and ran for the portrait hole, yelling, "I'm coming, my Lilyflower! Your Prince is coming!"

Left in their sadly delusional friend's wake, there was a short silence as the boys glanced at each other, then Sirius mused, "You think she was actually going easy on him?"

"No, not at all. I think she was too angry and humiliated to think straight and lashed out with the first spell that popped into her head."

"Yeah, that makes more sense. Wanna make out?"

Remus eyed him for a minute, then shrugged. "Alright."

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**So yeah, I had to add a bit of Remus/Sirius in there :D Poor delusional Jamie…**


	7. Revelations

**This is quite a bit longer than any of the other one-shots in this collection, and I'll tell you why: This was originally going to be a Discovery story, in which Sirius discovers that he is attracted to Remus and tries to hide it until he explodes and gives everything away, only to be pleasantly surprised that Remus likes him too and blah blah blah, gay porn. But I decided that 1. I'll probably never finish it; 2. I'll probably never finish it; and 3. I like Subway sandwiches. But that has nothing to do with this. Anyways, I hope you enjoy the longer one-shot, and WARNING: This one has a bit more…Umph.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Or Subway. But I do own a pair of glasses, not that I ever wear them.**

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_Setting: Gryffindor Tower, Boys' dorm, some time in sixth year_

James and Sirius snickered as they hid in their dormitory under the invisibility cloak, waiting for Remus to come up for bed. The studious werewolf had a strict schedule, and at nine o'clock every evening he would say goodnight to Lily, leave the Common Room, go up to the dormitory, change for bed, then sit in bed and read while the other Marauders discussed pranks and, lately, girls.

"His face is going to be _priceless_!" James cackled. "Are we going to give him the dignity of pants?"

"I'm quite curious as to the size of his little soldier, to be honest," Sirius confessed with a wolfish grin. "He _is _a werewolf, and there _are_ rumors…"

"You _woul_d research that, you bloody ponce!"

An intense but entirely silent battle ensued, ending with Sirius in a headlock and James' glasses on the floor, when they heard footsteps on the stairs. There was just enough time for them to straighten and for Sirius to accidentally step on and break the fallen glasses. "You wanker!" James managed to whisper furiously just before Remus walked in, looking like normal Remus without a hair out of place or even a loose thread.

James was blind as a bat without his glasses, so he just glumly looked around at the blurs and colors while Sirius stared at their mutual friend. His jaw went slack when he saw Remus - nice, courteous, studious Remus - toss his schoolbag somewhere nowhere near his trunk and jump onto his bed with a loud sigh. "Damn know-it-all Lily Evans," he growled to himself. "Can't keep a secret from the nosy bird."

As her self-proclaimed soul mate, James made to defend his precious Lilyflower, but Sirius clamped a hand over his mouth and pinched him on the arm in warning. That earned him an elbow to the ribs, but he didn't care much, though it _was_ a rather bony elbow.

Remus moodily glared up at his canopy for another minute before sighing once again and reluctantly standing. As he rummaged in his drawers for clothes, Sirius tried to stop James from stumbling about and giving them away. When he had finally stopped his friend's fumbles and fidgets, he looked up again, just in time to see Remus pull his jumper up and over his head. The static from the wool made his hair, normally so coiffed, stand on end, and Sirius felt a small thrill run through him at the image. He just looked so adorably _rumpled_.

His fingers twitched as Remus began to unbutton his white shirt, then he shrugged it off and Sirius' breath caught. Remus' chest was, oddly, completely hairless, though that may have been directly correlated to the multitude of scars crisscrossing his body. Dozens upon dozens of them - some old and white, one or two slightly red and newer-looking, as the full moon had been but a week earlier. It was almost like a maze, and Sirius felt an itch in his hands, as though they wanted to explore that chest. But that was crazy - this was _Remus. _Moony!

It didn't once enter Sirius' mind to be upset that Remus was a _boy_ - after all, it wasn't the first time Sirius had admired the male physique. It didn't really matter to him who he was snogging, just so long as it felt good. Remus, however, was Sirius' _friend_, a _Marauder_. If the Marauders were like his family, didn't that make Remus his brother or something? That was way too Pureblood cliché for his tastes.

But his eyes eagerly followed Remus' hands as they wandered down to where he undid his belt buckle, then unbuttoned his trousers before working on pulling the belt out of the loops. His trousers sagged low on his hips as he tossed the belt onto his trunk, and Sirius swallowed thickly when he realized that Remus wasn't wearing pants. _Remus _was going _commando._

Without warning, James swore quite loudly and made a violent motion that resulted in them both losing their balance and crashing to the floor, tripping on and ripping the cloak off themselves in the process.

Paused with his thumbs hooked into the waistband of his trousers, Remus stared at them as Sirius thumped his clumsy blind friend on the head angrily and yelled, "You bloody prick! You ruined the whole prank! Now he's seen us!"

"Think I heard you first, actually," Remus retorted, abandoning his trousers and folding his arms over his bare chest. "What were you two doing, exactly? Just wanted to see me naked, hmm? Get a laugh at ol' Remus' expense?"

"No!" James responded quickly, though that had in fact been the objective. "Er - Padfoot wanted to see your little Moony!"

"My-?" Remus flushed at the thought and deliberately turned his gaze away from Sirius. "Well, er, sorry to disappoint, _ladies, _but I don't plan on showing anyone my penis anytime soon. Hope you still enjoyed the show, even if the finale was canceled."

"Oh yes, every act was simply superb! Though Prongs did take offense at the 'know-it-all Lily Evans' bit." Sirius cocked his head to the side and studied the flush riding high on Remus' cheekbones, then grinned as his eyes slid back down his body to his still-unbuttoned trousers. "So what did Evans find out?" A thought struck him and he stood quite suddenly, his face pale in horror. "She-she didn't find out about your _furry little problem_, did she?!"

Remus did turn to look at him then, cheeks still pink, and shook his head. "No, no, not that. Actually, I think she already knows that; she drops hints at every full moon." A smile twitched at the corner of his mouth as James immediately began babbling about how _of course_ Lily Evans knew about his lycanthropy, she was _so smart_ and _pretty_ and the _ruler of all the land_ and whatnot.

Still curious, Sirius made to ask what secret Lily Evans knew that _he _didn't, but at that moment, Peter opened the dormitory door and froze, taking in the scene before him with wide eyes. "Er…why is Remus stripping in the middle of the dorm?" he squeaked, covering his eyes with one hand. "And why are you two _watching _him strip in the middle of the dorm?!"

"Don't ask questions unless you're sure you can handle the answer, Pete," James told him solemnly, barely able to keep a wicked grin from spreading across his face. "And anyway, Sirius broke my glasses, so technically I'm watching the rough blur that is Remus strip in the middle of the dorm. You better fix 'em, Pads."

Sirius snorted. "As if you really want _me _to fix them," he said, stooping to gather up the (thankfully) only snapped in half glasses. He turned to Remus and held out the two halves with his award-winning smile (or rather, it _would _be award-winning, had he ever entered any sort of contest). "Moonbeam, would you do me the honor of fixing my mistakes?" he asked, batting his eyelashes in an exaggeration of flirtation.

Sighing loudly, Remus pulled out his wand and lightly tapped the glasses, muttering, "_Oculus Reparo._"

James immediately snatched them away from Sirius (with surprising accuracy) and slipped them on. The first thing he looked to was Remus and he nearly burst into laughter, clutching at a stitch in his side as he doubled over with the force of his hilarity. "Th-_that _is what you were so-" he began to say to Sirius, but he was instantly silenced when his best friend wasted no time in hitting him with a Stunner right between the eyes.

"_Sirius_!" Remus hissed, glaring at the boy as he bent to examine the now unconscious James, "_Sirius, we don't attack Marauders_!"

"Well, we also don't laugh at our friends!" Sirius protested, slipping his wand into his back pocket.

"What are you talking about, you lot laugh at me all of the time!" Peter spoke up once again, a touch of indignation in his tone.

"You're _Peter_," Sirius offered by way of explanation, which is to say he didn't have the need to elaborate any further. "Anyway, just leave him be, Remus, I'll get him up later. Give Evans a break, at any rate."

Remus hesitated, his strict moral structure warring with his mind, so Sirius took the opportunity to casually say, "Oh, and you're still mostly naked, mate."

The blush returned full force and Remus immediately stood and re-buttoned his pants, then crossed his arms over his chest as he glanced around the room for his shirt. Sirius handed him the article of clothing with a smirk that made his friend's cheeks darken even further, and he snatched the shirt from his grip and practically ran towards the bathroom.

"Well, I'm going to go back down to the Common Room now and ask someone to Obliviate me. Frank Longbottom might do it, he's still pissed about what happened in Charms," Peter announced, wincing at the memory. After all, he didn't _mean _to turn Alice's clothes invisible - it was a freak accident. Honest.

Once he had left, Sirius glanced around, then knelt beside his unconscious friend. He did feel sort of bad for Stunning James, but he absolutely could _not _allow him to finish that sentence, not in front of Remus. He carefully lifted James' head and placed a pillow beneath it to alleviate some of his guilt. "There, you can't say I never did anything for you," he mumbled, mostly to himself, and stood up, sighing. His head was swimming with the events of the past ten minutes, and if he didn't lie down and think about them soon, it was going to explode and spray bits of Sirius brain across the entire dorm, and then Remus would feel honor-bound to clean it up so the house elves didn't have to, and he really, _really _needed to lie down because he was panicking.

So he did just that, flopping down onto his back on his four-poster and staring up at the ceiling, processing what his memory was telling him and what his body was still feeling. _I'm attracted to Remus_, he thought dazedly with a mental groan. _Well, fuck._

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**Aww, poor Sirius, having to think and stuff…I'm horrible to him in this, really. And if anyone was wondering what made James give them away…well, I think you can fill in the blanks. ****_Hint hint, wink wink._**


	8. Intoxications

**I like to look at this as a continuation of _Revelations_, so treat it as thus. Oh, and Warnings: This one-shot includes underage drinking. Don't drink and underage.**

**Disclaimer: This is getting awkward. It's like you're not even listening to me. I. Don't. Own. Harry. Potter. Or. The. Bunnies.**

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_Setting: Gryffindor Tower, Boys' Dorm, sixth year_

"Moony! Hey Moony, the room's spinning!"

Remus sighed in frustration as his quite obviously drunk friend stumbled - literally - into their dorm, followed by equally drunk James and Peter. "I can assure you that the room is quite still, Sirius," he said, not bothering to hide his disapproval.

Sirius, who had become engrossed in watching his bare feet as they moved, looked up at him, and his face lit up like a child at Christmas, and Remus' heart stuttered. "Moony, you're alive!" he cried out happily, throwing himself onto the floor and then blinking stupidly. "Your bed's real hard, Moony. Heheheh… hard. Hey, how'd you get way over there, Moony? Blimey you're fast…"

"I haven't moved either, Sirius," Remus told him, rolling his eyes. "I take it you all had a great time drinking each other under the table?"

"I won!" James yelled proudly. "You should've come with us, Moony." He flung an arm out and smacked Peter on the chin.

"Lemon is a funny word," Peter said, swatting James' arm away. "Lehhhhh-mammon. Heh. Leh-mon. Leh-mon…"

"Are you alright, Peter?" Remus asked in concern, watching as the slightly overweight boy retreated to his four-poster and curled up on his side, not bothering to get beneath the covers.

James shook his head quickly, then yelled, "He ate something funny off the ground as Wormtail. Why are you all whispering?"

"You're shouting, you prat," Remus replied as he studied the shortest Marauder, who continued to spout nonsense. "He may have ingested rat poison-"

"Moony, where'd you go?!" Sirius asked from the floor where he had been staring hypnotically at one of James' smelly abandoned socks. "He's dead, ain't he? Why, Moony, why?!"

"Rat poison? Why would someone poison Worm?!" James shouted. Before replying, Remus cast Silencing Charms on the walls, door, and ceiling so that they didn't get caught…or wake anyone up. It wasn't a school night, but it was only the courteous thing to do. "I said he _might _have ingested rat poison, I didn't say someone _poisoned _him," he explained absently, kicking his foot away from Sirius as he grabbed onto it. "Leave me alone, I'm not your mum. But yes, it's toxic for humans as well."

"Well, maybe you should suck the poison out!"

Remus groaned as Sirius, forgetting his forlorn mourning over his friend's assumed passing, laughed and said, "Ha ha, yeah, Moons, suck the poison out! Ha ha…"

"He _ingested _the poison, you idiots, I couldn't 'suck the poison out' even if that crude and purely disgusting suggestion was valid," Remus told them. "He doesn't appear to be showing any symptoms of arsenic consumption, so I suppose it's not too serious."

"Moony, James is biting me!" Sirius whined from the floor. A glance at James revealed that he was across the room, so Remus rolled his eyes and said, "No, Sirius, James is nowhere near you. You're hallucinating."

"Oh. What about the bunnies?"

"The what?"

"Never mind."

Remus sighed once again and, metaphorically rolling up his sleeves, set to getting his inebriated friends safely into bed and out of his hair. Sirius, thankfully, was the easiest.

"G'night, Marauders, Sirius Black out!" he announced before falling face-first onto Remus' bed, already out like a light.

Peter giggled as Remus tucked him into bed, under the covers this time, then drew the curtains around his four-poster. "'Night, Remus!" he chirped cheerfully. "Good luck! Leh-mon…"

Next was James, who was protesting quite loudly that he wasn't tired in the least bit, that Remus was just trying to get him to sleep so he could hit on Lily, and why was the room full of flying Flobberworms? After a good fifteen minutes of arguing with him, Remus had maneuvered him close enough to James' bed to pull out his wand and Stun him.

It was quite obvious that moving Sirius would be an exercise in futility, so Remus merely pulled the covers back, extinguished the candles, and drew the curtains before getting into bed, careful to jostle his sleeping friend as little as possible. He could still hear Peter's giddy muttering, but by closing his eyes and concentrating on Sirius' in and out breaths and light snoring, Peter was soon tuned out, and Remus fell asleep…

Something was touching him, so light that it was almost unnoticeable. Warmth quickly followed the touch, and he sucked in his breath as the something brushed against his abdomen, tracing a scar as it went lower and lower-

Before it could go any farther, Remus came to his senses and fully awoke, reaching for the something and grabbing a warm, slightly callused hand. Automatically reaching for his wand, he whispered, "_Lumos_." The tip ignited and he cast the light to see whom the hand belonged to even as his nose told him it was definitely Sirius.

"Ow, bad light," Sirius mumbled, hiding his face in Remus' shoulder. "Turn off bad light, Remy."

Remus did as asked, his heartbeat quickening at the realization that it was _Sirius _who had been touching him. "Why were you touching my scars, Sirius?"

Rather than reply, Sirius moved closer to him, nuzzling Remus' neck with his nose and lifting his free hand up to play with his feathery brown hair. "You smell like boy," he mumbled, inhaling deeply. "Smell nice."

"Sirius-" Remus began only to be shushed as the black-haired boy placed a finger against his lips, and in the darkness he couldn't see but rather felt Sirius shake his head. "Don't speak," he whispered. _When did he get so close?!_

Ignoring his slight blush - ever thankful it was so dark - and the command, Remus again said, "Sirius-"

Sighing in frustration, Sirius interrupted, "Remy, Padfoot can't seduce you if you're speaking words. Stop speaking words, Remy."

The breath in Remus' lungs caught and stuttered and he choked on it, unable to do more than _feel_ as Sirius' hand slid into the hair at the nape of his neck and drew him closer, warm alcohol-scented breath wafting over his face...

And then he heard a soft snore, and the hand in his hair went limp as sleep overtook the intoxicated youth, as it often did at strange times (such as in the Great Hall at dinner…oh yes, it had actually happened) and entirely without his control.

A part of Remus was relieved as he deliberately put some space in between them, almost whimpering at the loss as Sirius' hand fell to the covers, but as he stared up at the canopy of his four-poster, processing the events of the past few minutes, a much larger part of him wished that Sirius had followed through.

* * *

**Le sigh. Will these two ever get it right?! Maybe I'll continue it…what you think, eh? Why drunk boys, you ask? 'Cause I do what I want, when I want, 'cause I wanna do it.**


	9. All the Colors of the Rainbow

**Warning: Lily's language is just…appalling. Honestly, what a dirty mouth. She needs some Orbit (which I don't' own).**

**Oh, and I know the actual saying is, "I'm going to (blank) you within an inch of your life!" but that's not how I say it to my nephew (who, by the way, is turning six in a week!) and he thinks it's hilarious, so I've taken to saying it all the time. Ah, a background story. I feel like we're really bonding.**

**Disclaimer: If Harry Potter was water and I was a duck….I'd forget what I was going to say and shut the hell up. I'm gonna do that anyway, 'cause I don't own it.**

* * *

_Setting: Gryffindor Common Room, early March, sixth year_

"He's such a berk! A stupid, self-absorbed, obnoxious, insolent little prat with no common sense!" Lily announced as she stalked up to where Remus was reading in the Common Room.

"Did James propose again?" he asked absently, not bothering to look up from his book.

"Well, yes, but he…he's only asked once in the past month, Remus. It's almost like…when I told him to stuff it, he just sort of shrugged and walked away. Is he giving up?" she mumbled, sinking down onto the chair next to his. "What are you reading?"

Remus flipped the page before replying, "_1,000 Seemingly Useless Spells for the Avid Hobbyist_. I'm looking for a spell to make one's pubic hair flash all the colors of the rainbow."

"Oh." Lily paused. "Do I want to know?"

"Probably not."

"Okay…page 622."

Grinning, he flipped through the pages and casually asked, "So, you _want _him to propose to you?"

"_NO! _Well, _maybe_. What does that make me, Remus? Am I just a sucker for punishment?!" she groaned, slumping down into the chair cushions dejectedly.

_Huh. She was actually right_, he thought, staring down at the page in question and quickly reading through the instructional text. Almost absently, he said, "Lily, I don't think you're anywhere near being a masochist - but I think you _might_, just _might_, be starting to like James back."

Interestingly enough, she didn't immediately refute this; instead, she just sighed and began toying with a loose thread on her robes. "If you had dared to say that to me even a month ago, I might have hexed you within an inch of my life," she murmured.

Setting a spare bit of parchment on the page to mark his place (he would _never _dog-ear a library book), he snapped the book shut and turned his full attention to his friend, smiling gently at the miserable expression on her face. "He's actually not a bad person, all in all," he said conversationally. "Yes, he's done some morally questionable things, pulled despicable pranks, and hangs around with bad influences a.k.a. Sirius Black, but underneath all of that, he's brilliant."

She wrinkled her nose and huffed out something that sounded suspiciously like "bullshit".

"Be honest with me, Lily - you've disliked James since you first met him, and he's _changed_, but you're too stubborn and set in your ways to be anything more than horrid to him."

"I'm _not _- I'm not _horrid_," she exclaimed, quit to jump to her own defense. "But you're right, he's not such a prat anymore. I mean, he _can _be, but mostly he's…" She hesitated, loathe to describe him in a positive light. "He's sweet. Over the top, completely audacious, but sweet nonetheless."

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

A sofa cushion hit him square in the face and he laughed as he tossed it gently back to her. "Is it really so bad, having a boy so completely devoted to you?" he asked, only half-joking.

Her expression softened and she smiled, staring off into space as she ruminated on his words. "No, it's not so bad," she said. "Maybe you're right, Remus - but I'm still not going out with him."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Of course not. Why would you go out with someone who loves you unconditionally? Preposterous."

Lily stood and shoved the pillow back into his face, giggling as the action nearly sent him toppling out of his chair. "Shut it, you!" she threatened, then pulled a complete one-eighty and wrapped her arms around his neck in a friendly hug before pressing a chaste kiss to his forehead. "Thank you for being such a know-it-all."

The portrait hole opened and the rest of the Marauders poured in, immediately honing in on their friendly embrace. "Oi! Moony, hands off my girl!" James called, his face already turning red with anger.

"Oh honestly, Potter!" Lily barked, lowering her voice when Remus winced. "I'm _not _your girl, Potter, get a grip!" She gave Remus a peck on the cheek for good measure, leveled a last glare in James' direction, then flounced off towards the staircase leading to the girl's dormitories.

In an effort to preempt James' certainly explosive reaction (most likely ending with one of them being in some sort of full-body cast), Remus held up his hands in surrender and said, "Before you blow up, we were talking about you, and I was only giving her advice."

"Of course you were. At what point did advice giving morph into wild groping and flailing limbs?!"

Sirius grabbed James' robes before he could charge Remus and said, "Mate, all she did was hug him. And kiss him. But that doesn't count 'cause it wasn't on the lips. And technically, it was more like being raped - Moony couldn't even fend off her assault, poor Moons."

"Assault?" Peter repeated, his expression incredulous. "You're _both _insane."

"Quite right, Wormtail," Remus agreed. When his friend didn't try to hex him (or beat him to a pulp), he opened his book again to page 622 and said, "Now, about the rainbow pubic hair…"

"Ah, St. Patrick's Day," Sirius sighed wistfully.

* * *

**Ugh. I hate this ending. The whole thing is choppy ( I wrote it all within the space of, oh I don't know, a year) and it makes me want to hide in a corner. But I'm working on a third installment of the last two one-shots, otherwise known as "Sirius likes Remus and Remus likes Sirius and there's voyeurism and drinking and blegh" and it's not done yet, so I wanted to put something up, just to show you all that I haven't died. I haven't. Honest.**


	10. Complications

**Ten one-shots! Woohoo! So this is loooong. Like, really, really looooong. Like three thousand words long, which is long by this one-shot collection's standards. It feels a bit disjointed, since I wrote most of it a year ago as different chapters to a multi-chaptered story, that I ended up staring at for about thirty minutes before declaring, "That would be a wonderful continuation of that little mini-ficlet in this one-shot collection!" And then I basked in my own genius. It was sticky.**

**Warning: This one-shot includes underage drinking. Don't drink and underage. It also contains mild language. Remus inherited Lily's potty mouth.**

**Disclaimer: Remember that time I didn't own Harry Potter? And it was a sad day in the gotalittlebitstronger-ton's house.**

**A continuation of _Revelations_ and _Intoxications._**

* * *

_Setting: Gryffindor Tower, Boys' Dorm, sixth year, the morning after Intoxications_

The next morning, Remus woke up to the sound of retching, the absolute loveliest possible way to wake up. Confusion reigned for several groggy moments until realization dawned and he immediately rolled over. The space where Sirius had been passed out last night was empty and the curtains had been swept back, so Remus sat up and glanced around the dormitory. James was, of course, still out cold - he was going to need a _Rennervate_, but not until Remus was certain that he was completely alert and able to flee his friend's wrath. Peter's curtains were pulled closed, but his loud, rumbling snores told Remus that his friend hadn't kicked it during the night, always a plus. The immediate concern was to find Sirius, so Remus threw back the covers and toed on his slippers before shuffling over to the bathroom. The retching grew stronger the closer he walked until finally he pushed open the door and found his unfortunate friend with his arms fairly wrapped around the toilet, clutching it for dear life as he threw up into it.

"Alright, Pads?" Remus asked softly, mindful of his most likely pounding headache.

With one last mighty heave, Sirius wiped his mouth on his sleeve and laid his head against the cool porcelain, his breathing ragged. Remus walked over to him and pushed the sweaty bangs off his forehead, smiling when the action made him groan in appreciation. "And _this _is why I don't drink," he said. Without asking, he grabbed a washcloth and ran it under the cool tap, ringing it out before using it to wipe his friend's face.

"S'nice, Moons," Sirius managed on a sigh, his eyes fluttering open to peer up at him. "Thanks."

"No problem." It was difficult to force the words from his suddenly tight throat and he cleared it subtly, smiling a bit when the noise made Sirius wince. "Sorry, I've got a tickle. So, do you, er, remember much about last night?" _Too pushy, too pushy, abort, abort! _his mind screamed, but Remus shoved it to the side and settled his expression into one of amusement, hoping Sirius wouldn't read too much into the question.

To Remus' utter dismay, Sirius froze, his eyes widening exponentially in horror, then he turned and threw up some more into the toilet. _Well, either that's a good sign, or a _really _bad one, _Remus thought bitterly. In a hasty bid for damage control, he quickly continued, "It's just, you sort of got raging drunk and collapsed in my bed, so I'm thinking you probably owe me a huge favor for the inconvenience. I had to share my bed with a great snoring drunkard."

Once he was able to sit back and look to Remus again, Sirius stared at him for a moment before cracking a sheepish grin. "Oh, right, sorry. I don't remember much, to be honest. Except thinking you were dead. And oddly, I'm really thirsty for lemonade."

Remus snorted, but inwardly he was thanking Merlin and Godric Gryffindor and everyone else he could thank that Sirius' alcohol impaired memory had saved him from a highly awkward conversation. "Right, well, you were acting insane, and Peter ate something possibly toxic, and James accused me of wanting Lily, but besides that, it was a typical Friday night."

"Glad to hear it. Now, how about that lemonade?"

"I'll get you some lemonade if you _Rennervate_ Prongs."

"…deal."

**TITITITITITITITITITITITITITI TITITIT**

The rest of the day, Remus tried not to dwell much on what had transpired the night before, but it was always on his mind. Even while planning a prank on the Slytherins later that night, he was contemplating what Sirius had meant by trying to "seduce him", and somehow ended up volunteering to pour Itching Powder down Angus Martin's pants.

"Just to distract them, Moony… then, we'll launch our plan into action!" James announced smugly.

"Right, so who is making the potion?" Remus asked absently, his mind still mostly preoccupied.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Definitely not you. Probably me and James."

"James and I."

"Don't be a twit, you're pants at Potions."

Remus sighed. "No, it's James and…never mind. You and James, then. And Peter?"

"Wormtail is in charge of reconnaissance. If something goes wrong, he's going to squeak three times."

"That's a shite plan."

"Well, you were over there in your own little world, we had to improvise."

James made violent motion with his hand and shushed them loudly, pointing quite obviously to the portrait hole where Lily had just entered the Common Room with a mound of library books in her arms. "We'll pick this up later. Need help with that, Evans?" he called out as he leaped over a couch and several frightened First Years to reach her.

"Well, there goes that. Anyone want to get drunk?"

**TITITITITITITITITITITITITITI TITITIT**

And that's how they came to be playing Truth or Dare. Actually, that's not true. James and Sirius managed to get Remus drunk. And _that's _how they came to be playing Truth or Dare.

Remus didn't like to drink, really he didn't. But his friends wouldn't take no for an answer, they just kept pushing glasses of Firewhiskey at him until he caved under the peer pressure and took a sip. Then a second. Then a third. Then he was on his third glass, and the room was spinning, and for the first time that day, he wasn't thinking about last night. He was thinking of jumping Sirius, but he wasn't thinking about last night.

The real shocker was that the Sixth and Seventh Years had somehow managed to rope _Lily Evans _into joining the impromptu party and, while she wasn't drinking, she _was _sitting on the couch next to Remus, joining in on the Truth or Dare by making Sirius wear his underpants on his head.

"But I'm not _wearing _pants!" he'd whined.

"First, ew. Second, I know you have to own at least one pair of pants. Go get them."

Grumbling under his breath, he pulled out his wand and shouted, "_Accio Sirius' underpants!_"

Nothing happened.

"Alright, alright…_Accio James' underpants_!"

"Oi!"

A bright red pair of boxers flew down the staircase to the boy's dorms and landed in Sirius' lap. He grimaced as he held them up and unceremoniously laid them atop his head. "Happy?" he grouched.

"Aww, you look adorable," Remus teased, earning himself a glare and the promise of an elbow in the ribs later.

"Alright, my turn…Frank, truth or dare?"

The Seventh Year boy turned away from staring lovingly into his girlfriend's eyes and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "Uh…truth."

Sirius grinned. "Have you and Alice gotten to third base?"

"_Black_!"

Ignoring Lily's scandalized gasp, Frank flushed and glanced sideways at his girlfriend. She merely shrugged so, with a smug grin, he answered, "Yeah, we have."

"_Frank_!"

"Oh, come off it, Lily," Alice said dismissively. "Just because you're like the Virgin Mary-"

"-Mary Macdonald is no virgin-" Sirius supplied.

"-stuff it, Black. The point is, Lily, you're almost seventeen, and you still blush at the word sex."

Lily was, indeed, blushing quite furiously, but she waved it off with a, "Just play the game, then."

"Alright, Remus." Frank turned to the slightly intoxicated youth and smiled. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Alright, always wanted to ask: Have you ever kissed a boy?"

Remus would have lied under normal circumstances. But the firewhiskey he had consumed made him say, "Actually, I have. Although technically, _he _kissed _me_. Does that still count?"

Most of the group was slack jawed, with the exception of Lily, who already knew he was gay, James, and Frank, who was grinning broadly. "Knew it!" he crowed. "Alice, I believe you owe me ten galleons, love."

"You bet on my sexual orientation?" Remus asked, amused rather than angry. Maybe it was the alcohol affecting his emotions; he was sure to be horrified in the morning.

Frank shrugged as his girlfriend, glowering, promised to pay him when she received her allowance next month. "No offense, mate, but you're not exactly a ladies' man. I just had a hunch, is all. Not that I care which way you swing."

"That's…oddly comforting, Frank." Remus rolled his eyes, then turned to Lily. "Truth or dare, Lils?"

She smiled, pleased to see that Remus was taking his outing so well. "Truth," she answered cheerfully. That is, until Remus continued, "What do you really think of James?"

Before she could reply, Sirius' brain seemed to shift back into drive and he said, "Moony, why didn't you tell us you were bent? And who have you been snogging?"

"It's Lily's turn!" James stated, anxiously wanting to hear her reply.

"There is _no way_ that I'm answering that!" the redhead told Remus hotly, her face flushed.

"You do remember the punishment for breaking the rules, yes?" Remus said with a grin, ignoring Sirius' demands to be told the truth. "Or perhaps you really would rather strip off and streak through the castle?"

"Remus John Lupin, I'm going to hex your bollocks until they scream obscenities!" she growled.

"Remy, have you been snogging other boys?! Marauders for life, mate!"

James jumped to his feet and loudly cleared his throat. "Alright Evans, either spill the beans or get your kit off!" he ordered.

She flushed and gained her feet as well. "You're such a-a-a prat, Potter!"

"It _was_ a Marauder, Pads," Remus slurred quietly, yet it made the entire group go silent.

Lily spluttered, "B-but Remus, you said-!"

"He asked me not to tell anyone, and I haven't! We-"

"I can't believe you've been making out with _PETER_!" Sirius yelled incredulously.

Peter squeaked from the other end of the circle. "Hey, I've never snogged Remus! I like girls!"

They all turned to face James, who had tried to inconspicuously edge out of the Common Room but now froze as he felt all eyes on him. Slowly turning, he gave them all an innocent look and asked, "What?"

"_You _kissed _Remus_?!" Lily and Sirius shouted simultaneously.

James blushed and ran a nervous hand through his hair, shuffling his feet to stall for time. Finally, he glanced over at Remus and hissed, "You weren't supposed to _TELL!"_

"Yeah, well, you weren't supposed to go around kissing boys when you were already halfway in love with Lily," Remus retorted.

Before James could respond to that, Sirius leapt to his feet and, without a word, ran up the staircase, leaving behind a silence so loud it could shatter glass. James took one last look at Remus and followed suit, though he disappeared through the portrait hole. Almost before it had closed behind him, Lily was halfway up the girl's staircase. Everyone else cleared out soon after that, leaving Remus and Peter in the Common Room by themselves. After several moments of silence, Peter opened his mouth to say something, closed it, and scampered away to the dorm as well. Remus had never felt so close to crying in his life.

**TITITITITITITITITITITITITITI TITITIT**

Monday morning dawned with the Marauders still divided. Sirius and Peter left the dormitory early and took seats at the Gryffindor table at the far end of the table. Remus and James, much to the delight and disgust of their schoolmates, sat together in the original Marauder seats and were joined by Lily minutes after sitting down.

Remus immediately began to apologize for Saturday night, but the redhead shut him up with a grand smile and a sympathetic pat on the arm. "Never you mind, Remus," she told him, then turned to James, who automatically ducked behind Remus, shamelessly using him as a partially human shield. "I'm not going to blow up, Potter," she said with a light laugh. "Oddly enough, this is the least upset I've been with you since we met."

"Huh, just my luck," James groaned, his head hung in a miserable fashion. "Kissing boys makes the love of my life like me. Remus, wanna go make out by the Slytherins? Give them a little show?"

"Ha ha," Remus huffed. His gaze was directed to the opposite end of the Gryffindor table where Sirius and Peter were determinedly silent and staring down at their respective breakfasts.

"Can't you just speak to him?" Lily pleaded softly. She didn't like the lost expression on her friend's face and never wanted to see it ever again. Reaching out a hand, she laced her fingers with his and tugged insistently until he turned to look at her. "I might not understand your freakish Maraudership, but I hate to see you like this," she told him. "You need to clear the air."

"I've _tried_," Remus groaned, dropping his head into his free hand dejectedly. "He won't even _look _at me, Lily. He hates me."

James clapped a sympathetic hand on his shoulder and shook his head. "He doesn't hate you, mate. Sirius isn't the type to hold a grudge-" When Remus lifted his head to glare at him reproachfully, he admitted, "Alright, we both know that's a lie. But I don't think he _hates _you. Just give him some time. He'll come around."

**TITITITITITITITITITITITITITI TITITIT**

Remus didn't intend on giving him time. In fact, later that night, after an entire day of avoiding him in the corridors and being forced to sit next to James and Lily and listen to her being civil towards him (civil!), he ordered James to take Peter down to the kitchens as a distraction and put his plan into action. It wasn't really anything complex. He just made sure that Sirius was up in the dormitory, rushed in while he was in the bathroom, locked the door, and grabbed his wand from the table next to his bed.

"Merlin's balls!" Sirius shouted when he exited the bathroom and came face to face with Remus, jumping back and placing a hand over his heart in fright. "Don't be a creeper," he mumbled, trying to edge past him.

Remus shook his head and blocked his escape. "Don't think you're getting out of this, Padfoot. We have to talk about it."

"I don't know what you mean-" Sirius hedged.

"Bullshit."

In the face of Remus' intense stare, Sirius seemed to deflate and he sighed, rubbing his hand across his forehead to dispel the headache he'd been sporting for the past two days. "Look, I don't _want _to talk about this, Remus. I just want to be mad for a while, okay?"

"No, not _okay_, Sirius! You don't have any reason to be mad-"

"_No reason to be mad_?!" Sirius repeated incredulously, lifting his eyes to glare at his clearly shocked friend. "I have _every _reason to be mad! We're best friends, and best friends don't keep secrets from each other!"

This time Remus didn't block him as he stalked past, but he only flopped down on his bed and stared angrily at the floor. "And worse, it was you _and _James! It's just not right."

Hesitantly, unsure how Sirius would react, Remus sat down beside him, careful to keep a foot of space between them, and clasped his hands in his lap. He fought the urge to begin biting his fingernails and settled for chewing on his bottom lip as the silence stretched on. After nearly five minutes of it, he took a deep breath and said, "I'm sorry we didn't tell you, Sirius. But there really wasn't anything to tell, honest. We were thirteen. I was…confused. I was having feelings for this…boy and it scared the hell out of me. James caught me staring at the boy one day and asked me about it. I spilled my guts, and he just stared at me, then asked if I wanted to kiss him, you know, to be sure I was…yeah. I wasn't sure, but then he kissed me, and…it wasn't horrible. I didn't feel all bubbly and faint, but I didn't feel like running for the hills, so it wasn't the best experiment, overall. Afterwards, we promised never to speak of it again, and everything was great. Until the other night, that is."

Sirius had been unmoving throughout the entire story, but now he shifted on the bed, unconsciously bringing himself closer to Remus. "So…so this boy, did anything ever happen?" he asked quietly, so quietly that Remus wasn't sure he had heard him right.

"Er, no, he's sort of straight," Remus admitted, shocked when the words drew a surprised laugh from Sirius. "Go on then, laugh at my pain," he joked with a slight grin.

"Sorry, it's just…well, I just didn't think it had happened like that. I was sort of imagining you and James making out behind the greenhouses or something."

Remus frowned. Sirius' tone wasn't so much angry as bitter. And why would he be bitter? And now he was pouting. Why was he…? There was no reason… Then it clicked.

"Wait, Sirius…are you actually, truly _jealous_?!" Remus exclaimed.

Sirius merely pouted harder and Remus let out a surprised laugh. "So this whole thing - all the moody behavior and not talking to me - it's not because you're disgusted by me?"

"Disgusted?" Sirius repeated, unfolding his arms and turning to stare at Remus. "What, because you like to kiss boys? How could you think that? You couldn't _disgust _me, Rem, if you decided to shag a hippogriff!"

"Well, that will certainly make this next part easier," Remus joked, smiling as Sirius threw his head back and laughed. "So you just feel left out?" he continued after Sirius had sobered a bit. "I should've known - you don't even like it when we discuss homework without you, and you hate all things homework-related."

Sirius shrugged. "Well, kinda. I guess I was just sort of, uh, insulted or something. I mean, even back then, I had more experience with birds and such things than James. Why didn't you come to me first?"

"Er, you'd rather I had kissed _you_?" Remus asked, his brain whirling with the new information. "Sirius, that's going a bit beyond jealous, don't you think?"

Sirius flushed beneath the force of his stare and shifted nervously again. "Well, maybe I'm a bit confused as well! Maybe _I'll _go snog James! He _is _the perfect way to tell if you like boys, apparently! Lily should try it, maybe she's been a lesbian all this time and hasn't known it-"

"Sirius. If it will make you feel better, I'll kiss you," Remus interrupted calmly.

"Oh no, wouldn't want to put you out, Moony, I'll go find Jamie, he'll oblige me, surely-" And Sirius made to stand up, probably to molest his friend with all the best intentions, when Remus pulled him back down onto the bed with a forceful hand and pressed their mouths together.

It wasn't the best kiss; Sirius was too shocked to do more than sit there frozen, and Remus had really only kissed one person in his life, so it was too wet and sloppy to be termed as "good". But when he pulled away, the expression of dazed wonderment on Sirius' face was enough to make him grin. "Been wanting to do that since Friday night," he said honestly, grinning happily.

"Wha Friday wha?" Sirius mumbled unintelligibly, still mostly frozen in place.

"Yeah." Remus quirked an eyebrow at him and laughed. "Oh, that's right, you don't remember. You groped me and tried to kiss me."

"I-I what?!"

Chuckling at his panicked expression, Remus leaned over and pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek, then stood up and stretched. "Well, now that we've straightened this all out - no pun intended - I think I'm going to start on that Charms essay. If you need help with yours, you're welcome to join-"

Before he could even twitch towards his school bag, Sirius was pulling him back onto the bed and that's how James and Peter found them five minutes later, tangled together and laughing, chatting inanely and pausing every once in a while to kiss again. James placed his hands on his hips and mock-scowled at them. "Moony and Padfoot, snogging? You wound me so, Moony, I thought what we had was special!" He pretended to tear up and fanned his eyes, sniffling.

Peter crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head. "You're all insane."

"Yes we are. Join us, won't you?"

* * *

**Aaaannnnddd that's how babies are made. Oh no wait, wrong story. Ah, whatever. So I hope you all enjoy this…whatever, and yay, my first published Sirius/Remus kiss. 'Tis a thing of beauty, 'tis. Inexperienced as it is. Oh, and one other thing: If anyone has a suggestion for a one-shot, I'd be happy to hear it, and if I'm feeling it, I'll write a little something-something. Thanks!**


	11. Christmas Cookies

**So, as you all know, it's almost Christmas. Thursday, my mommy came over and we made Christmas cookies with my nephew Ben-Ben. It was horrible. There was sifted flour everywhere, we ran out of vanilla extract, and our oven was being a douche. I made the mistake of giving a six-year old Mountain Dew, and he thanked me by jumping about in his underwear. It was complete and utter chaos. It was SO. MUCH. FUN. Thus, an idea was formed in my brain. A Harry Potter idea, which is usually the best sort.**

**Warning: Penises. Just the word, calm down.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Christmas, Harry Potter, or magic. They belong to Santa Claus, J. K. Rowling, and unicorns, respectfully.**

* * *

_Setting: Godric's Hollow, The Potter's kitchen, sixth year, Christmas break_

It was Christmas Eve and all was quiet at the Potter's residence, which wouldn't normally be out of the ordinary…except that it was Christmas Eve, and all of the Marauders were staying over for the holiday. James' parents had left earlier to attend a Christmas party and Peter was snoring upstairs on James' bedroom floor where he had passed out after dinner, right in the middle of a game of chess. His three friends had, of course, taken the opportunity to draw all over his face (Sirius had managed an incredibly detailed picture of a penis) and snap several photographs to use as blackmail later on. James was in the parlor, writing a long letter that Lily would never bother to read, and Sirius was sitting at the dining room table, bored out of his mind. Remus had been roped into baking cookies and was in the process of icing a batch of gingerbread men.

Huffing out a sigh of impatience, Sirius finally tore his gaze away from his friend (he hadn't been staring for the past half hour, honestly) and glanced around for something to occupy his famously short attention span. There was a spare bit of parchment, along with a quill and bottle of ink, left on the table from the letter Remus had written his parents before starting the cookies, and a lightbulb instantly went off in his head. Grabbing the items and setting them before him, he began scribbling hurriedly for several moments, then sat back with a frown as he hit a wall.

'_Twas the night before Christmas, and it was quite boring_

_Prongs was being a prat, and Wormtail was snoring_

_Moony was on his time of the month_

_While Padfoot was being sexy and_

"Moony, what rhymes with month?"

The piping bag in Remus' hands jerked and he cursed as the white icing spurted from the tip and onto the counter. "Nothing rhymes with month, Sirius!" he growled shortly, wiping up the mess with a nearby towel.

"Are you sure? Nothing doesn't sound anything like month."

"Exactly my point."

"Huh?"

Remus sighed in exasperation and reiterated, "There is no word in the English language that rhymes with month."

"_Oh. _You could've just said that in the first place, saved us the grief."

"Or, _you _could've shut your gob and let me work."

"Nah." All was quiet for a blissful moment as Sirius frowned down at his poem, then he brightened and asked, "Moony, what rhymes with menstruation?"

This time the icing ended up on the floor and Remus made a noise somewhere between a growl and a groan, and whined, "Sirius, I'm wasting all of the icing! I can't make any more, I used all of the powdered sugar!"

"Well, that doesn't sound like my problem. You should take responsibility for your own actions, Moony. So, what rhymes with menstruation?"

"Sirius - what exactly are you writing over there? I _could _use some help, and if you're just going to sit there and make up silly-"

"It's not silly! It's a classic!" Sirius defended, clutching the parchment to his chest possessively. "Where's your holiday spirit?!"

"You're murdering a classic, more like." Remus gave him one of his trademark disapproving looks and crossed his arms over his chest. "Let's see it, then."

"No, I don't think so, not with that attitude!" Sirius turned away and set to work crossing out and scribbling on his parchment, too absorbed to notice when his friend snuck up behind him and peered over his shoulder.

'_Twas the night before Christmas, and it was quite boring_

_Prongs was being a prat, and Wormtail was snoring_

_Moony was cranky and on his menstruation_

_While Padfoot was sexy and dying of starvation_

"_Sirius Orion Black_!"

Wincing at the familiar tone (the tone that clearly said 'you have only seconds to live'), Sirius belatedly hid the poem from sight and blinked innocently up at Remus. "Yes, Moonbeam?"

"Don't you Moonbeam me, Sirius. Do I look like a girl to you?"

Sirius made the mistake of actually pausing to look his friend up and down before saying, "Er, no?" The angry scowl on Remus' face intensified at the hesitation and Sirius hastened to add, "I mean, no, of course not, Moony, you're the epitome of all things virile. You're very much a boy."

"Right, I'm a boy. Ergo, I don't _menstruate_," Remus retorted, the word coming out as a furious hiss that made Sirius shrink back in fear. "And I don't care how hungry you are, the cookies aren't done yet."

"But Moony, it's taking you _forever_!" Sirius whined. Mistake number two.

Remus threw his hands up in frustration and shouted, "Fine! _You _bake and decorate and make everything look festive! I'm going to sit here at the table and look-" He snatched the parchment from Sirius and read it over again before continuing, "look cranky, since that's apparently how I get around my 'time of the month', yes, I can see it despite the pains you took to cover it up. Go on, then." And he sat down across from Sirius, crossing his arms on the table top and glaring until the other boy hurriedly obeyed, standing up and, gulping in fear, scurried into the kitchen.

For the next half hour, the only sounds were those of Sirius banging around in the kitchen and Peter's loud snores drifting down from upstairs. Remus didn't move except to shift in the chair and get a bit more comfortable. He became so comfortable that he fell into a somewhat catatonic state, lost in his thoughts.

Something heavy was set down in front of him and the sound of it hitting the table made him jump slightly in his chair. He chanced a glance despite himself and couldn't help but smile. The green platter was in the shape of a Christmas tree, and upon it sat four gingerbread men. One on the far left had glasses and spiky black hair, a large red heart drawn on his chest with a black L and an arrow drawn through it: James. The one beside him was slightly pudgier and his hair a dull brown, though that was pretty much the only detailing Sirius had bothered to add: Peter. The other two gingerbread men were much closer together and Remus raised an eyebrow at this, but didn't voice his question, instead focusing on their features. Black-haired and smirking in a very familiar way, that one was definitely Sirius, which meant the last one was…

"Sirius, I understand that you mean well and all, but may I ask what that thing is?" he asked, pointing to the brown-haired gingerbread man with a small smile and…something jutting out from his side.

His beaming friend immediately frowned and peered down at his creation for a confused moment before his face lit up with understanding and he nodded. "Oh. That's your tail," he answered shortly, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"My…my _tail_?" Remus looked down at his gingery counterpart and scowled. "I don't have a _tail_, Sirius. If you're trying to get back on my good side, werewolf jokes probably aren't the way to go about it."

"Oh for - look, I'm sorry, alright? I was bored and hungry, and you know that I lose my mind a bit when I'm bored and hungry," Sirius explained with a sigh, sinking down in the seat beside him and nudging his head against Remus' arm. "Come on, Remy, I hate it when you're mad at me," he whined pathetically, looking up at him with puppy-dog eyes and pouting lips.

His resolve effectively weakened and completely shattered beyond recognition, Remus rolled his eyes and patted his head, grinning a bit at the growling sound that was about as close to a purr as a canine Animagus could make. "Alright, you're forgiven - but only because I need help with the rest of the cookies," he acquiesced, standing up and stretching. "Budge up, Pads."

Sirius immediately stood and preceded him into the kitchen. "Brilliant! Can I make a reindeer?!" he asked with an expression that could only be described as one of childish excitement.

"Sure, why not?"

Hours later, when Mr. and Mrs. Potter arrived back home from their Christmas party, it was to find the two slumped together on the kitchen floor, propped against the cabinets with different colored streaks of icing peppering their faces, clothes, and hair, fast asleep.

There were, of course, penises drawn all over their faces as well. James was grounded for the rest of the holiday break.

* * *

**Abrupt ending is abrupt. I'm supposed to be cleaning. Not exactly what I had in mind when I began writing, but what the hey. Also, ha ha, penises. When my sister turned twenty-one, she got drunk and passed out, and my older sister and I drew penises all over her face. It was epic.**

**Merry Christmas, everyone!**


	12. More Than Words

**I'm a bit disappointed. No reviews for last chapter/one-shot. Oh well, I'll blame it on the holidays… Anyways, I don't know where this came from. Honestly. I was typing out the lyrics to 21 Guns by Green Day so I could put them on my iPod, and my fingers were _flying _over the keyboard, and I thought, '_Huh. Wish I could type this fast while I'm writing_.' Then my iPod shuffled its way on over to Words by Anna Nalick and my mind exploded. Really, you should watch out, I think it might have carried over the screen and into the Internetz.**

**Warnings: Mentions of boy sex. A few bad words. Possibly an insulting word for gay men.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Words by Anna Nalick, although I wish I did, because it is a fantastic song, and if you've never listened to it, I suggest you mosey on over to YouTube and look it up. Ugh, gorgeous.**

* * *

_and words can't feel_

_and words don't breathe_

_and words can't tell you what you mean to me_

_those three small words are overused_

_so "more than words" means more than "I love you"_

_if you're savvy you'll know what I'm trying to say_

_when I say, "I'll settle for 'I love you' anyway"_

_I could tell you that I cut you out of stars, but_

_it's just a ghost of what I'm feeling in my heart_

_it's beautiful, but compared to how I love you_

_it's stale and stupid and it's all been said enough_

* * *

Anyone looking at their relationship from the outside was doomed to misinterpret their feelings for one another. For one thing, they weren't normal. At all. Not even a bit. And they prided themselves on this fact because, as Sirius declared quite loudly every chance he got, "Normal is boring."

But the fact is, they didn't even seem to _be _in a relationship, let alone a happy one. Nothing really changed much after their friendship turned into an actual emotional, physical relationship, at least not outwardly. They didn't touch any more than usual, didn't kiss in the halls (although that was most likely because being gay wasn't exactly universally accepted, even in the Wizarding community), and they almost _never _discussed their feelings for one another in front of their classmates.

Of course, the rumors circling around were mostly spot on (although some were a bit ridiculous, such as the Second Year who would tell anyone who would listen that Remus was actually a time-traveling goblin in a very convincing wizard costume, and Sirius was a rogue ex-mercenary hired on as his bodyguard and was _at least _thirty-five years of age), but all of the rumors were definitely proven the day in the hall that a Slytherin had sneered and called Remus a bad word, and Sirius had thrown his schoolbag to the ground, whirled around with a snarl, and decked the boy so hard that he'd flown backwards and hit another Slytherin (and _that _was one Sirius would brag about later). After that, no one dared make fun of them.

James and Peter had been completely thrown when their friends first told them the news (that they were sort of together and snogging and maybe you want to knock before you enter the dormitory from now on), and James had thrown a bit of a fit, yelling, "You're ruining the Marauders, you selfish ponces!" but eventually he'd calmed down and conceded that he possibly might have already known that they liked each other, but it didn't mean he was happy about it and if either of them fucked this up, he'd push them into the lake. Surprisingly, Peter had accepted the idea right away, but he still winced if he walked in on them getting busy, because he always forgot to knock.

Lily, of course, had already known. "You two are so cute!" she'd squealed when she caught them kissing in a broom cupboard one day between classes. "Now Remus, make sure you aren't late to class again, Professor McGonagall is getting suspicious. Oh, and here!" She pulled a bouquet of flowers seemingly from nowhere and tossed them at the pair. Sirius just barely managed to catch it, mostly by reflex, and Lily blew them both a kiss before she shut the door again. Remus had arched an eyebrow and quipped, "You _do _know what it means to catch the bouquet, don't you? You're next to be married." Sirius smacked him on the head with the flowers and shut him up with another kiss.

But in the end, it really didn't matter to either of the two that they were less than public. So what if the entire castle knew or didn't know? Their closest friends knew, they knew, and those are the only people who matter. That isn't to say that their relationship was all sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows. They definitely had their issues.

After all, Sirius was an idiot. A handsome, loveable idiot, but an idiot nonetheless. Sometimes he did stupid things. Most times, he _said _stupid things. Remus usually put up with this unfortunate character trait because he knew it was mostly involuntary. Sirius had a slight problem with acting without thinking and speaking his mind without censoring what was coming out. If he ever got out of hand, Remus could usually manage to bring him down a few pegs with softly spoken words (or by yelling) and kissing him until he couldn't think anymore, much less talk. It was an excellent system.

There was also the issue of love.

Sirius craved love. After the childhood he'd suffered through, it wasn't much of a surprise. If he wasn't the center of attention, there was just no point in living. Intimacy was almost a must for him. Even if they were in the middle of a crowded room, he had to keep a part of his body touching Remus', holding his hand, brushing thighs as they sat next to one another, walking his fingers up his arm absently while deep in conversation with a third party. It was unconscious, the physical contact, and he wouldn't even notice it if not for Remus' refusal to allow it to happen.

For most of his short life, Remus had been an outcast, whether by choice or not. In his early years, he was a quiet child, not exhibiting any sort of need for social interaction with his peers. After the attack, he retreated even farther into himself, struggling internally with the reality of his condition and all it entailed. He never expected to have friends - he didn't _need _friends. Never had. Until Hogwarts, of course, but even then the entire thing had been one happy, fortunate accident. But that is a story for another day.

Even after seven years, he hadn't gotten to the point where he had established the easy sort of friendship where mates clapped each other on the shoulder or hugged or wrestled playfully. Peter accepted this quirk in his fellow Marauder, chalking it up to a "Remus thing", but it had become a challenge between James and Sirius - who could force Remus into willing physical contact first? It had lasted for five years, before it became abruptly apparent that Sirius was prepared to go the extra mile that James was not - i.e. pushing Remus into a wall and snogging the hell out of him. Of course, he'd been wanting to do this for years, so it wasn't much of a chore, honestly. Again, a story for another day.

But even after establishing that yes, they were attracted to one another, and yes, they wanted to date, and _yes_, they wanted to snog and make-out and grope and shag, Remus wasn't willing to touch him in public. Wasn't it enough that he let Sirius put his hands all over him in the partial privacy of their dormitory? Apparently not, because his boyfriend/partner/whatever was always pushing the envelope, testing his boundaries, experimenting with how far Remus would actually let him go before the annoyed werewolf was reduced to pulling out his wand and hexing him.

Still, Sirius was stubborn and starved for affection, so he was constantly barraging his boyfriend/partner/whatever with experimental touches in increasingly public places until Remus came up with the exception that Sirius was allowed to hold his hand and touch his arms in the Common Room or any part of the castle that wasn't a classroom, because honestly he needed to be able to concentrate on his studies without the distraction that was Sirius Black. In the end, that was enough for Sirius, and he stopped pressing for more. In public.

On top of everything else, Remus didn't say the L-word. It was constantly escaping Sirius' mouth: ("_Ah, thanks, Moony my love._")("_Pass me that dragon scale, love_?"), and his most frequent, ("_Oh right there, oh _Merlin_, Remus, I love you_!") And hearing the word always made Remus' heart flutter and made his pulse skyrocket and his mouth go dry and more often than not he got hard. But he never repeated the sentiment. It had bothered Sirius at first, until he finally understood _why._

It was after a particularly rigorous bout of love-making. They were laying side by side in a bed (they hadn't paused in the act of unbuttoning trousers to check whose it was) and Sirius was pressed against his boyfriend/partner/whatever as he always was, curled up like a cat and purring like one as well. As he caught his breath enough to speak without sounding like a seventy-year old man with emphysema, his mind drifted from thought to lazy thought in its post-coital bliss, and a flash of Remus' face just moments ago in the throes of passion flew by and made him groan at the flare of interest below his waist, which really shouldn't be physically possible yet. "Ugh, the things you do to me!" he complained half-heartedly, nuzzling his cheek against smooth warm skin and relishing the feel. "I love you so much."

There was silence from the boy next to him and Sirius sighed in content as he chose to ignore his body's stirring and instead began to drift off. He was almost asleep when the chest beneath his head vibrated, jostling him just enough to keep him awake. "Hmm?" he murmured, only half caring what Remus was actually saying. This time, the words were loud enough for him to hear.

"More than words."

It took a moment for his lethargic brain to catch onto the meaning, but when it did he immediately lifted his head from Remus' chest and stared up at his slightly flushed face, not quite trusting his assessment of the meaning and seeking reassurance. "You mean it?" he asked, a bit horrified that his voice came out as a hoarse croak of emotion.

Remus' gaze met his and he gave that half-smile that had sealed the bid on Sirius' heart back in First Year, his tone completely sincere when he repeated, "More than words, Sirius."

Grey eyes searched tawny, and after a minute, Sirius seemed satisfied by what he saw there and a wide, beaming smile transformed his face just before he stretched his body upwards to reach Remus' mouth and claimed it for himself. There was far too much teeth as they were both still grinning like loons, but neither seemed to care as the kiss went on and on until the need for air prevailed the need for each other.

"Good," Sirius said simply as he settled back against his boyfriend/partner/whatever's side, feeling more than hearing Remus' answering chuckle, and it was with a mind finally at rest and a heart fit to bursting with love that he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

**I really don't know what to make of this. I wanted to try something a bit different - I'm good at writing dialogue, but actually explaining feelings and actions still feels forced and not my best work. Drop a review and tell me what you think, loves.**

**Oh, and one more thing. If you ever see a mistake in this collection of one-shots, even if it's a tiny one, I ask that you inform me at once. I'm a bit of a grammar freak, and if I don't spot it when I'm proof-reading, I _will _freak out. Possibly pull my hair out. No one wants that, right?**


	13. Tongued

**Ah, thank you for the reviews, everyone. I wasn't complaining, honestly. I was just being a moody Judy. Still, I appreciate reviews, in any form, and when they come in one after the other, my face is surely that of a child in a candy shop.**

**So apparently, the cure for procrastination is simple: My voice is too hoarse to sing, so I actually have to write while I listen to music, rather than sing along. Pity. I know it's been about two weeks since the last update, but so far, 2013 is a bitch. I'm so sick that I can barely breathe, but I'm determined to sit down and write. For the good of mankind, or some such bunk. Also, not a lot of dialogue in this one. Remember, I'm trying not to rely on it so much.**

**Disclaimer: My head is throbbing. I'm wheezing for every breath. I've just sneezed, literally, seven times in a row. If I owned Harry Potter, surely I could afford to go to the hospital.**

* * *

_Setting: Hogwarts, Sixth Year_

Maybe he was crazy. His family was full of loons, after all. It wasn't such a large leap to assume that he was quite mad himself. That was the only logical explanation here. Because there was absolutely no way, _no way_ that Remus, prim and proper little Remus, had just licked him.

It was the day of the full moon. Remus had insisted that he felt well enough to attend his classes so, under the intense watch of his best mates, he did just that, and if Sirius had to snap his fingers a few times to keep him from falling asleep, well, that was just fine. They had a free period just before dinner, so they took full advantage of it and retired to the Gryffindor common room. Remus looked a bit overwhelmed by the noise around them, but he fought courageously to appear completely absorbed in the book he was pretending to read.

Peter disappeared upstairs for all of two minutes before returning with an armload of sweets from their collective stash. He dumped the lot onto the table in front of the sofa Sirius and Remus were occupying and plopped to the ground next to James' chair before digging into a Cauldron Cake with the gusto and practiced ease of a boy who knows his way around baked goods.

Sirius had immediately torn into a Chocolate Frog. He didn't usually go for sweets, but he'd had an interesting dream the night before concerning chocolate syrup and…well, he was just craving the taste. As usual he was a messy eater, and he flashed a grin when James began to groan good-naturedly "use a napkin, _jeez_, Padfoot!" but before he could cheese it up, suddenly there was a warm wetness against his cheek and the common room had gone silent. Well, not really, but Sirius could no longer hear the sounds of parchment rustling and students chattering incessantly. Blood was rushing up into his face even before his brain finally caught up on the situation and filled him in: _Remus just licked my face._

Peter seemed to be choking on nothing, thumping his own chest in an effort to draw a breath, his face turning a rather amazing shade of red, possibly vermillion. James, on the other hand, actually appeared _pleased_ as he sat back in his chair, crossed his legs, and waited for the inevitable spectacle Sirius was about to make of himself, a delighted grin lighting his face.

Fortunately (or perhaps unfortunately), Remus reacted first. His previous relaxed expression was quickly replaced by a dawning look of horror, and as his cheeks reddened (definitely a crimson), he sputtered out something about a streak of chocolate on Sirius' jaw and lowered inhibitions caused by the full moon.

The most surprising reaction, at least to his friends, was Sirius'. He looked shocked for all of two seconds, and then he cut off Remus' rambling with an easy laugh as he ruffled the werewolf's hair. "Forget it, mate, I know how you get around chocolate," he told Remus honestly, though he allowed a teasing lilt into his voice as he added, "but next time, you better buy me dinner first."

Remus' blush didn't dim in the slightest, but he laughed along with the rest of them, then quickly buried his face back into the book he was still holding to hide his shame. Peter continued to wheeze and thump his chest until a random Fourth Year told him to "shut it, you great annoying berk!" and effectively terminated his frantic movements.

All was normal for the rest of their free period. By dinner, however, Remus was a wreck. His animal instincts were beginning to get the best of him and once or twice he growled when someone reached over to grab a dish that he deemed _his_. Needless to say, they finished eating as quickly as possible and left, Remus to the Hospital Wing, and the rest of the Marauders to Gryffindor Tower to await the time when they would be able to sneak out under James' Cloak and join their friend in the Shrieking Shack.

And if Padfoot and Moony were a bit closer to each other that night, James and Peter didn't seem to detect anything out of the ordinary. Although, they _did _take notice of the fact that Sirius had taken to stocking up on loads of Chocolate Frogs whenever they went to Hogsmeade.

* * *

**Now, I know that in the books, Remus looks pale and sickly around the full, but I think that, because he's a teenager and going through "the change" (_cough_puberty_cough_), he would become incredibly ravenous around the full and his animal instincts would manage to break through his control more readily. I was tilting my head and looking at the monitor, trying to decide whether his behavior appeared normal…and then I realized that of course it didn't, werewolves aren't exactly "normal", are they? I hope you enjoy…this took a lot out of me. _"Really? A bit over seven hundred words and you're drained?"_ Yes. The past three days have pretty much seen me sitting on my couch with a box of tissues, a bottle of Mountain Dew, and a television remote. Don't judge me. Let me know if it was stupid! (I can take it, I promise.)**

**Goodness, my notes are longer than the actual one-shot. It's not even a one-shot, it's more like a drabble. I'll shut up now.**


	14. Tell Me How To Breathe

**Thank you for the get-well wishes, everyone. I'm actually worse, but I feel okay enough right now (at five-thirty in the morning...yikes) to update. We passed the fifty review mark - yay! Thanks, everybody, you're all so fantastic, it's ridiculous.**** I tip my hat to you. Well, I would, if I were wearing a hat…or owned one. So, this was partially inspired by No Air by Jordin Sparks feat. Chris Brown. I'm sure you can tell where that part came in. And the blonde boy? Made him up. He might exist, though. I'm sure that, somewhere on this planet, there exists a gay blonde British boy. Maybe not.**

**Warnings: Lily Evans is a consistent potty-mouth. I'm sure James enjoys that. (Ew. Mental image, go away, go away, go away) In case you didn't get it, there's swearing. And inappropriate-ness. But hey, is it really Remus/Sirius with inappropriate-ness? I think not.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or the song, or the house I live in. But I do own the books, the iPod which contains the song, and the house belongs to my sister, so hey, can't complain. Loudly.**

_tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air_

* * *

_Setting: Hogwarts, seventh year_

"It's not fair," Remus mumbled, pacing back and forth in front of the silent redhead, propped up against a tree with a textbook lying open on her lap. "Why does he have to be so good looking?! It's not fair."

"You've said that," Lily injected, not even blinking at the glare he sent her way. Sighing, she closed the book with a snap and said, "Well, I can see that no work is to be done now. Let's go up to lunch."

Remus shook his head without pausing and began muttering to himself again, "Honestly, this is driving me crazy. Who did I piss off in a previous life that I deserve this? It's not fair…"

"If I'm going to be subjected to your ramblings, I need food."

He paused to glare at her again and she stood with a growl, lifting her bag and stuffing the book into it unceremoniously. "I'm serious. I had to skip breakfast this morning and my stomach is forming whole sentences at this point."

"But you know _they're _going to be there, and that means that _he _is going to be there," he mumbled. "Eating food. _With_ _his mouth_."

Lily rolled her eyes for what had to be the twelfth time since they exited the castle half an hour earlier. What was the point of finding a quiet place to study if they weren't going to actually _study_? "Come on, Remus, it isn't all that bad. And I'm _really _hungry. Please?"

The pleading look on her face killed the protest on his lips and he sighed in resignation. "Alright," he growled grouchily, swinging the strap of his schoolbag up onto his shoulder and following as Lily eagerly took off for the castle, nearly stumbling in her haste.

They had just reached the doors when an unfamiliar blonde boy, a few steps ahead of them, _did _stumble, and as he began to fall, Remus' reflexes kicked in and he lunged forward, grabbing the boy's arm and helping him regain his balance. "Oh!" the boy gasped, his expression a mix between shocked and grateful. "Oh, thanks." He turned to face them, and his cheeks flushed in embarrassment. "Sorry, I'm a bit clumsy," he added a bit awkwardly.

"No problem," Remus said, releasing the boy's arm and giving him a reassuring smile. "I've tripped over flat surfaces before."

His words, far from putting the boy at ease, merely made his blush deepen, but he recovered after a moment and returned his smile with an amused grin. "Yeah, thanks. Uh, I'll see you around, then?" The last word had a slight lilt at the end that turned the statement into more of a question.

Lily watched this all unfold from her position just behind the pair, and she saw the not-at-all-subtle once-over the blonde gave her friend, not that Remus seemed to notice. It was quite obvious to her that the boy was interested, but Remus wouldn't catch on with anything less than a _VACANCY_ sign flashing above the boy's head, so she stepped forward and gave him a megawatt smile. "He _definitely will_," she said in her most suggestive tone, then grabbed Remus' arm and dragged him in the direction of the Great Hall because, honestly, Remus might not get many admiring looks, but she was _starving_.

Remus stammered out a goodbye as he was pulled away in a manner that can only be described as an abduction, and once they were sufficiently out of sight, he snatched his arm back and gave her that affronted glare usually reserved for his fellow Marauders. "Lily dear, have you gone mad?" he asked.

She rolled her eyes. "Oh honestly, Remus, you can't _really _be so obtuse. That boy was giving you _the look._"

"What do you mean?"

Sigh. "Remus, he was giving you _the look_. The one James has been giving me for seven years. The one _you've _been giving Sirius for three."

Both eyebrows disappeared into his fringe as he gaped at her in shock, eyes wide as her meaning sank in. "He was…you mean he was…?"

"Checking you out? Giving you the eye? Perusing the goods? Absolutely."

He dazedly sank down onto their usual bench without looking, almost placing his elbow in a bowl of soup. "Wow. I didn't even notice." Then he shook his head and let out his breath on a sigh. "Doesn't matter, though. Not like I'd ever go out with him."

"But Remus!" Lily whined, sitting next to him and immediately pulling two sandwiches from a plate to her left. "Come on, are you still hung up on…_him_? I'm not saying it could never happen, but if he's _straight_, you can't exactly wait around forever in case he changes his sexuality."

"Lily, I appreciate your concern, but I'm not ready to move on yet. Besides, he isn't my type."

"Honestly, Remus, why are you being so picky?" Lily asked, not even noticing when the rest of the Marauders joined them at the table. "There aren't many guys like you at Hogwarts, and that boy was _cute_!"

"Who was cute?!" James demanded immediately, his expression alarmed. "Are you cheating on me, Lilyflower?!"

"It's a miracle she got _you_, mate," Sirius scoffed, ducking James' fist.

Lily scowled. "Calm down, this boy wasn't interested in _me_," she said, glancing pointedly at Remus.

"_Oh. _Thank Merlin. But, er, are you _sure_, Lily?"

"Thanks, mate."

James grimaced. "That didn't come out right. But are you _sure_, Lily?"

"James, stop being a git. I'm _sure_. He was practically eye-fucking him."

"Lilyflower, if you never say 'eye-fucking' ever again…I'll be solely disappointed, because it's kind of hot."

She ignored her boyfriend and stared beseechingly at her stubborn best friend. "Come on, he was _cute_, Remus, won't you even consider it?"

He sighed. "Lily, he really isn't my type. He's blonde, and I like brunettes."

Sirius choked a bit on the pumpkin juice he had just poured himself and had to thump his chest a few times before his face turned back to its normal color. At their concerned gazes (except for James…he was more amused than anything), he flushed a bit and said, "Er, there was a fly. In my juice."

"You used to eat flies," Peter pointed out.

"Ew."

"That was different! Prongs dared me."

"Yeah. Once. You ate seven of them."

"_Anyway_," Lily said loudly to drown out the inevitable argument, "I still think you should give it a go, Remus. Just think about it, alright?"

Remus began to protest, then just sighed in defeat. "Alright, I'll think about it."

* * *

Later that night, as he was getting ready for bed, Remus couldn't stop thinking on what Lily had said. She had a point - he couldn't sit around pining after Sirius, when it was quite obvious that he was only interested in girls. And the blonde boy _was _cute. Kind of. In a subtle way. Not in the Sirius way - the too gorgeous for his own good way.

He was pulled rather abruptly from his thoughts when the dormitory door slammed and the object of his unrequited affections slogged into the room, throwing his wand down on the table next to his bed, then throwing himself face down on the bed itself. "You look exactly how I feel," Remus remarked, more than slightly bemused by his friend's behavior.

Sirius lifted his head and gave him a half-hearted attempt at a glare that had more the appearance of a pout. "Not in the mood," he growled before burying his face once more in the bedspread.

"Ah, this isn't like you. Did that girl refuse to put out?" Remus was very glad that Sirius couldn't see the revolted expression on his face as he asked the question.

"Who? Oh, that bird I had a date with tonight? Nah, I canceled. Had a lot to think about."

Snort. "Right. And they've just named me the new Minister of Magic. I'm making James Head Auror, and Pete is heading the janitorial committee."

"What about me?"

"Well, you're going to be my pretty secretary, of course. I'm sure you'll look lovely in a pencil skirt."

"I refuse to wear heels."

Remus chuckled and ran a comforting hand through Sirius' hair as if he were petting Padfoot, grinning when it prompted a contented groan from his friend. "Come on now, really, what's wrong? I can't fix the problem if you won't tell me what it is."

"It's nothing you can fix, Moony."

"Pads, let me help."

"I said it's nothing!" Sirius yelled, suddenly sitting up and knocking Remus' hand away.

Silence reigned for all of five seconds before Sirius groaned and dropped his head into his hands. "Sorry, Remus, it's…I just don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry, Pads," Remus mumbled, hurt despite himself. He stood to walk back to his four-poster, but before he could, Sirius blurted, "I don't want you to go out with that boy."

Remus froze in place at the sudden outburst. His heart was practically tearing out of his chest in its excitement, and he had to give it a stern mental lecture before he could summon up the courage to turn back around. "Uh, I'm sorry, what?" he asked, clearing his throat when the words came out raspy. Sirius was staring down at the bedspread, and when it became clear after several moments that he wasn't going to reply, Remus threw his hands up into the air and growled in frustration. "Whatever-"

"Just don't go out with him, Moony, please," Sirius pleaded, finally looking up at him, and the expression on his face was so…_lost_.

Remus growled, "Why not, Sirius? Give me one good reason."

"I love you."

The cutting words on his tongue died at the admission and his breath stuttered in his throat. He tried to take a deep breath, but his lungs weren't cooperating and he wheezed out something that must have sounded alarming because Sirius immediately grasped his arm and asked, "Are you alright, Remus? Breathe, love, breathe!"

His lungs, which were just thinking of working again, heard the 'L' word and promptly deflated. He ended up with his face pressed against Sirius' chest (and really, how was that supposed to help him breathe?), gathered in his arms and sitting halfway on his lap. It was almost too good to be true and Remus' brain was racing to process what had happened as Sirius kept murmuring for him to just breathe and rubbing his back in a soothing motion.

After what seemed like hours, Remus' heart rate had slowed to a more normal level and he was taking long deep breaths. A few moments passed as he just soaked in the words, let them penetrate his skin and curl around his organs, easing the ache in his chest that he honestly had resigned himself to feeling for the rest of his life, because there was absolutely no way that Sirius could ever love him back. Of course, that was all moot now. He mumbled something against Sirius' chest and felt him shift slightly, pretty much confirming his suspicion that, yes, Sirius was ticklish.

"Pardon?"

Moving just slightly so that his mouth was free, Remus repeated, "That's a bloody good reason."

He heard the self-satisfied smirk in his voice when Sirius replied, "Cheers." He hesitated for a moment, and then said, "Uh, I think you're supposed to say it back. If you feel the same way, that is. If not, that's cool, but, um, it would definitely make me feel less awkward if you said something now and didn't just let me ramble on like-"

Remus cut him off with a sweet, shy kiss, and pulled back with flushed cheeks and a happy smile. "I love you, too."

Sirius' face split into a wide grin and he pressed another, longer kiss to his forehead. "So does this mean you won't go out with that bloke?"

"Didn't I say that I prefer brunettes?"

"You know, I think I remember you saying that, yeah."

"Would you two just get a room already?!" James' voice shouted through the dormitory door. "You've been in love forever, just shag and be done with it!"

Remus buried his face again in Sirius' chest as his cheeks flushed in embarrassment. Sirius, however, merely grinned and called back, "Lovely suggestion, mate, thanks. But we've already got a room, as you can see. I've heard your bed is just on this side of creaky, we'll start with that one."

"_GET ANYTHING ON MY BED AND I'LL STRANGLE YOU!_"

* * *

**This could've been an actual one-shot. I was originally planning for it to be a full-fledged story. But, as we've learned in the past two months, I'm better at short, concise, and to the point. I am eventually going to post a longer story, though. I find that I'm more attracted to the AU sort. I've got a really killer AU story in my documents that I'm itching to release to the public, but first I need to flush out the plot and smooth out the rough edges. Wouldn't want my lovely reviewers to cut themselves. Is it vain to say that I've just read over my own collection of one-shots and laughed my ass off? I think I'm pretty damn funny. I should have my own show. Anyone want to make that happen? Hit me up.**

**Wow, I'm such a Chatty Cathy tonight. Well, I do talk a lot when I'm tired - nice to see it extends over the Internet, too.**


	15. You'll Be the Catalyst

**Listening to my iPod on shuffle and writing this one-shot, I was singing along to Some Nights Intro by Fun. and when the song ended, Some Nights immediately began playing. I saw it as a sign and finished up the one-shot so I could update. Then my Internet connection decided to throw a flaming bag of dog doo on my doorstep. The authorities are looking into it.**

**The lyrics are from Anna Nalick's _Catalyst_, which is awesome. And calming. Much like Remus. Anyway, I hope this all makes sense. It did in the beginning, then my eyes began to blur and my fingers just kept hitting keys and _ugh_. Not much dialogue, but eh. Hope you enjoy it.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, it probably wouldn't be a published work. 'Cause I'm a procrastinator. And not talented enough to get my work published. So this would all be superfluous. And if I owned Catalyst by Anna Nalick, there wouldn't be any music, because I can't play the guitar or anything. And it would be awkward. Like this ridiculously long disclaimer. …see? Awkward.**

* * *

_so you're taking these pills for to fill up your soul_

_and you're drinking 'em down with cheap alcohol_

_and I'd be inclined to be yours for the taking_

_and part of this terrible mess that you're making_

_but me, I'm the catalyst_

_you'll be the vein, you'll be the pain, you'll be the scar_

_you'll be the road, rolling below the wheels of a car_

* * *

_Setting: I have no bleeding idea. consult your crystal ball. it kind of skips around._

Remus was his catalyst.

Yes, he knew what it meant. Perusing through one of Remus' many dictionaries (and why did he need so many, anyway? He was pretty much a walking dictionary as it was), he'd come across the word purely by accident, but he liked to think it was fate. Cat-a-lyst: It was a noun, and it was defined as "somebody or something that makes a change happen or brings about an event". Well, there was something about chemistry as well, but that part didn't interest him in the slightest. The fact of the matter is that Remus was his catalyst.

Well, not so much _his_ as _the _catalyst, the catalyst that brought about a change in Sirius so great that there were no words to explain it. (huge, immense, enormous, vast, large, big, grand, important, significant, momentous, critical, major, weighty, serious, _thank you, dictionary._) Anyone who knew Sirius Black also knew that he was not the sort of boy who settled down, either in the sense that he didn't stay with one person long enough to learn their middle name, or that he couldn't sit still long enough to complete a train of thought. It was worse when he was younger. Before Hogwarts, his mother and father were constantly punishing him for his fidgeting and restless nature. Few things could hold his attention for very long, and since his father's wand was off limits after the whole setting fire to the drawing room curtains incident, and his mother had banished motorbike magazines from the house, he spent most of his childhood being swatted or confined to his room.

Hogwarts was much better. Yes, he was still incredibly hyperactive and yes, his teachers punished him for it, but now he had friends to support him. James, the bespectacled boy with a talent for pulling off fantastic pranks, was often right beside him in detention. Peter, poor pathetic little runt that he was, always threw himself into the action, then did his best to back out of the punishment by laying blame on anything that moved. But Remus…oh Remus, the sickly, lanky lad with too-serious eyes and the entire library in his head, he was key. He might not be much to look at then, a scrawny eleven-year old who always shrank away from social interaction, but that wasn't even important. No, what Remus had was a _calming aura._

Yeah, that was Sirius' reaction at first. He dismissed Remus as soon as they met, with a scoff at his ragged appearance and a sneer at his refusal to join in when the new Gryffindors began discussing the possibility of pranking the detested Slytherins. Remus was basically ignored after that…until two months later, when the tentative group put one of their plans into action. Turns out, people don't like having green goo dropped on their heads when they pass through the halls. The Slytherins didn't like it. The Fifth Year Ravenclaw witch didn't like it. And Professor McGonagall _definitely _didn't like it.

She'd been yelling for ten minutes straight, something about "lack of respect for fellow students", "blatant disregard for the rules", and "detention for the rest of the year", when an unlikely hero came to their aide.

"Professor McGonagall, they didn't do it," Remus had interrupted quietly, and Professor McGonagall wasn't the only one who looked surprised to see him standing behind her. Before she could speak, he'd continued, "We were all on our way to the Hospital Wing."

Sirius had opened his mouth to ask what the hell he was talking about, but Professor McGonagall shot him a warning glare before saying, "Mr. Lupin, I have three eyewitnesses who will attest to watching Mr. Black and Mr. Pettigrew carrying the buckets containing the…_substance_ down the corridor while Mr. Potter levitated a box of small Muggle explosives."

Her intense glare didn't even faze Remus; if anything, he seemed to draw strength from the pressure of the gaze and looked her square in the eye. "They're lying," he said simply, his demeanor incredibly calm and confident. "We were in our dormitory, practicing that Stinging Hex we learned in class yesterday, when Peter here accidentally stung himself with his own hex. We were all incredibly worried, as you can imagine, and decided to accompany him to the Hospital Wing. It's just our dumb luck that we happened to be walking down this very corridor when the culprits were carrying out their nefarious scheme."

Peter glanced down at the burn he'd sustained from playing with one of the explosives and flushed when the professor's gaze turned on him, hesitantly holding the limb higher so that she could see the wound. She still looked angry, but her expression had softened a bit and there was doubt in her eyes, so Remus added, "I'm sure that your eyewitnesses are just furious with the state of their persons and are looking for someone to blame. After all, in the heat of the moment, we can convince ourselves that we've seen something completely different from what actually happened." Without waiting for a response, he walked over to the three girls standing over to the side and spoke so softly that it was impossible to overhear what he was actually saying. It must have been convincing; after fifteen seconds of conversation, their expressions had cycled from livid to suspicion, to confusion, and, finally, relaxed acceptance.

"Blimey," Sirius whispered in awe, too low for anyone to hear.

Less than two minutes later, Professor McGonagall had apologized - _apologized _- for falsely accusing them and stalked off, presumably to find the actual culprits, and the girls had scurried away to clean up, and Filch was glaring at them suspiciously as he mopped up their mess, so the boys bade a hasty retreat. They had only gone as far as around the corner when Sirius opened a broom closet and threw Remus into it bodily, ignoring his cry of pain and motioning James and Peter to follow. Once they were all in the cramped room, Sirius pulled the door closed, locked it, then lit up his wand with a hastily murmured, "_Lumos_." Holding it before him, he found Remus' wide eyes and asked, "Why did you help us? We haven't said anything more than a half-hearted hello to you since we got here."

Remus' cheeks flushed at the inquisition and he bit his lip, hard, for just a moment before replying, "I'm…not sure. But train wrecks aren't my thing, and I wasn't going to just stand there and watch you all get barreled over. Besides, we were all sorted into Gryffindor. Isn't bravery a requirement?"

While Sirius pondered this, Peter leaned over to James and whispered, "Did you see a train?" to which James responded with a sharp slap upside his head and an exaggerated eye-roll.

After a moment of silence, Sirius finally grinned, and held out his unoccupied hand to Remus. "Mr. Lupin, I believe this is the start of a beautiful friendship. That is, if you'll have us."

Remus had only hesitated a second before reaching out and accepting the handshake, a genuine smile transforming his face and showing brilliant white teeth. "Eh, I suppose you lot are better than nothing."

And it was. A beautiful friendship, that is. James and Sirius came up with stupid ideas, Peter eagerly encouraged them to put the stupid ideas into action, and Remus provided the voice of reason if the idea was _incredibly _stupid and, if that didn't deter them, did his best to talk Professor McGonagall down from a fifty-year prison sentence in Azkaban to a week of detentions. It was an excellent system.

But many would argue that Remus' biggest contribution to their little group (later named the Marauders, because Sirius has stolen Remus' dictionaries before, and he announced to them all that it "sounded cool"), his biggest contribution was definitely his effect on Sirius. No more was the boy who couldn't sit still. Every time he began to drum his fingertips on any available surface, or nervously jiggle his leg up and down, or squirm in his seat, Remus would give him a look and immediately he would cease the action. And his mouth? Usually he could go on for hours, only breathing when it was completely necessary for living, talking and jabbering about nothing and everything, but that look always made him shut up. If Sirius had gotten it into his head to raid Professor McGonagall's dresser drawers or pull down Hannah Mires' skirt in the Great Hall to solve the question once and for all of whether she really was an extremely buff and hairy girl, or just an effeminate boy, then Remus would just frown and throw him the look, and immediately Sirius halted his train of thought in its tracks and gave his brain a stern ticking-off.

And maybe that should upset Sirius, or at the very least annoy him, but he really can't bring himself to mind much when the boy was just so _amazing_. He didn't look like much, with his clothes all proper, his hair carefully coiffed, and his unassuming demeanor, but that was just the cover of the book that held this brilliant person that, once opened, Sirius just couldn't help wanting to read cover to cover. It hadn't taken him long, only about halfway through their first year, to realize that the way he felt about Remus was different from his other two friends. James was like the mischievous troublemaker brother he'd always wanted, and Peter was like the annoying kid who followed you around the playground and couldn't be shaken off no matter how many times you pushed his face into the dirt, but Remus was…indescribable, really. All Sirius knew was that he felt some unidentified emotion for his friend, and that was enough for the moment.

It took him years to put a name to the feeling, and once he had, there was a bit of panicking, but that was immediately overridden by an intense wave of affection for the skinny werewolf. Because he loved Remus. He'd never really loved anything before. The emotion was so foreign that he didn't write to Remus for the entire summer, until they met up at James' house like they usually did for the last two weeks before term started back up, and Remus ignored him for the five hours that it took Sirius to break and plead with Remus to forgive him for being an idiot. Remus had done so with that half-smile and a quip about how Sirius on his knees was something most people didn't see very often, and Sirius had smirked and retorted with a suggestion so dirty that Remus' cheeks had lit up with a blush that easily prevailed through the rest of the afternoon.

It came as no surprise to Sirius that the next time they were alone, he threw Remus into the nearest wall and kissed him. It was a bit surprising when Remus kissed him back. And they kissed. And kissed. And kissed. And they probably would have kissed if James hadn't barged in, shrieked in horror, and dropped his precious broomstick. And they still might have kissed even then if Peter hadn't been right on his heels, ran headlong into his back, and subsequently fallen down the stairs.

Those bruises had been difficult to explain to James' parents.

"Honestly, Mum, he fell down the stairs!" James had insisted, eyes wide and his brain still not quite fully functioning after what he'd seen.

"James Potter, if you can't tell the truth, we might just have to send your friends home and ground you until next term."

"But _Mum_, he really did fall down the stairs!"

Difficult.

In the confusion, Remus and Sirius hadn't been alone again long enough to be more than awkward towards each other. Later that night, however, when Peter was snoring and James was murmuring Lily's name in his sleep, Remus climbed onto Sirius' cot and whispered, "I hope you meant it, that snog, because now you're stuck with me." And that was possibly the most beautiful statement Sirius had ever heard.

There were hitches in their relationship from then on, nasty snags and frustrating entanglements, but Remus was his catalyst; he was calming enough to keep Sirius in one place, and really, that's all he could ever want.

Except a motorbike.

* * *

**Well? Was it incredibly awkward? I bet it was. I'm going to go to bed now, because Bubble Guppies is almost over and I have to go back to watching this kid. Honestly, babysitting children who aren't related to you is difficult; if they accidentally drink the bleach, you have a lot of explaining to do to their parents. (Just kidding, no one drank any bleach…except my friend once, accidentally, a few years ago. Apparently it's not pleasant.) Alliteration rules; I'm quite proud of myself for my alliteration in...one of those paragraphs, I can't remember which. Also, trains? I don't know where that came from.**


	16. Out and About

**Tried to put this up earlier, but my Internet connection, again, bit the dust. But we might be getting another service provider next week, so maybe I'll be able to do something with this piece of crap. So, I know this is really short, but I'm almost finished with two longer one-shots, so this is just to tide you over until then. Enjoy.**

**Warning: Sirius uses a strong word for the male sex organ. (which is so hot, coming from him. I'm such a pervert) and there is gay pride. Whoo. If you're not for that…then what the hell are you doing reading a primarily Remus/Sirius fic? You must be lost. Use your GPS, people.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, the word 'cock' would have been used frequently. So go flip through your copies and conclude that no, not once is 'cock' mentioned (at least not in that context), and no, I don't own Harry Potter. Deductive reasoning, really. Ah, Sherlock Holmes. I love him.**

* * *

_Setting: sometime in Sixth Year. Gryffindor Tower, boy's dormitory_

"So you're…gay, then?"

"As I've said sixteen times already, yes, Padfoot, I'm gay."

"So…does that mean…you fancy me?"

"Oh for the love of…" Remus shut the book he was reading and rubbed his temples. He should have expected this. Sirius-logic: If you swing towards his gender, it was automatically assumed that you fancied him. In a monotonic, deeply sarcastic voice, he replied, "Oh yes, I _fancy _you, Sirius Black. Take me like one of your slags, press me into the bedspread and steal away my innocence!"

The other two Marauders, who had taken the news and accepted it hours ago, laughed at the flush staining Sirius' cheeks. "It was a legitimate question!" he argued. "The amount of time that I spend walking around naked, a bloke can't be too careful, right? Don't want to torment you with perfection you can't have, yeah?"

Remus shook his head at the weak joke and looked his best friend in the eye. "Don't worry about it, Sirius," he said easily. "I'll try to control my animalistic urges when you prance about bare-assed."

"Well…good, then." Sirius cleared his throat. "Right. Well…" He looked down at the ground and cleared his throat once, twice more, then said, "Well, I'm starving."

"We just came back from dinner, Pads," James pointed out, smirking at his friend's unusually flustered state.

Sirius looked lost at the reminder, and Remus frowned at him, once more setting the book aside. "Sirius, are you sure you're okay with this?" he asked.

"Of course. What, you think I'd be one of those bigots who thinks it's wrong to be gay? You can be gay, Moony - you can go out and be gay all you damn well please. I support you one hundred percent. Ooh, we should go to one of those gay clubs! I'll dance with anybody, doesn't matter if they have a cock or tentacles for that matter. Oh, do you want to be in one of those pride parades?! I'll totally help you pick out an outfit. Do you have anything in rainbow? I guess it doesn't really matter, we're bloody wizards, we can Charm it - do they have wizard gay pride parades? I can't imagine there are too many wizards 'out and about' if you know what I mean, so we'll have to make due with the Muggles. I can-"

"Padfoot, _shut. Up_." Remus' expression was more amused than anything, but Peter was squeaking in shock, most likely at the word 'cock', and James was silently laughing his arse off, his glasses hanging precariously off his left ear as he'd rolled over in his fit of hysterics.

Sirius stopped pacing and looked over at Remus in blinking surprise, as if he'd forgotten he was actually talking _to _another person and not just to himself. He flushed. "Oh. Okay. Right. Sorry."

Remus just shook his head and finally went back to reading his book. Peter continued to squeak quietly, going mostly ignored by his friends. James caught Sirius' eye and gave him a look that clearly said, _I know that you know that I know that you're _more _than okay with Remus being gay and I'm giving you two weeks to work up the bollocks to out yourself or I'm doing it for you and I will pick a _very _public venue._

Sirius didn't really mind. He wasn't planning on waiting two weeks to get what he wanted.

* * *

**Eh, short one-shot is short. But entertaining, no? I have no idea whether they had gay pride parades (Muggle or wizard) in the UK in the seventies, or whether the LGBT community (was there technically a 'LGBT community' in existence back then?) had adopted the rainbow as their, uh, symbol or whatever, but for the sake of Sirius' cute little rant, let's just sit quietly and pretend.**


	17. Distraction

**I was watching an episode of Castle the other night and appreciating Detective Kevin Ryan's cute little waistcoat probably more than I should - and somehow, this idea was born from it. His eyes are so _blue_. Sorry, wrong fandom.**

**See? Told you a long one was coming. This is the longest one-shot I've posted so far. _You're welcome, my children._**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Castle, Detective Kevin Ryan, Adam Levine, or Downton Abbey. And that entire statement makes me want to burst into tears. I also don't own Hallmark.**

* * *

_Setting: several different places in Hogwarts, sixth year, probably not long after term began_

Sirius Black was many things - charming, charismatic, obnoxious, loyal, stunning, stubborn - but most of all, he was distracting.

Such as now. He was, once again, blatantly breaking the dress code by not wearing his robes; instead, he was wearing a too-small black t-shirt with the name of a popular Muggle band written across the front, and the tightest pair of dark blue jeans known to wizard or Muggle alike. Professor McGonagall had been furious when he turned up this way for Transfiguration and had spent the first ten minutes of class shouting at him about school dress code and student misconduct. At the end of her tirade, she gave him a week of detentions, but didn't order him to go back to the dormitory and change, as he would no doubt "take advantage of the situation and skip the rest of his classes, thus resulting in a terrible ignorance of the current curriculum".

Sirius had taken this as a win and discreetly (but not very much so) high-fived James when next the professor's back was turned. Remus had given his usual look of disapproval even as Peter giggled at his friend's cleverness.

On the inside, however, Remus was in a rare state of disarray. His normal factory settings were malfunctioning and a fire had broken out on the third story after Common Sense jumped out the window, taking the potted plant from his office with him. Usually Remus didn't entertain such wild thoughts - such as wondering how long it took to remove such tight trousers and calculating the amount of time would be added on if done so by using one's teeth. It wasn't his fault, really; lately, Sirius had just been so _distracting_.

He didn't hear a word Professor McGonagall said that lesson and the parrot he was supposed to be Transfiguring into a top hat was still brightly colored and squawking loudly about crackers. He couldn't bring himself to care much, not when Sirius had just stood to gather his things and stretch and _Merlin, that was more skin than a person should be showing in public_, and then James was knocking on his table saying, "Prongs to Moony" in a teasing tone of voice and yes, he _was _grinning knowingly down at him as he blocked the spectacular view in order to get his attention.

"I'm sorry, what?"

James' face didn't break from his grin and he demonstrated his excellent ability to multitask by waggling his eyebrows comically. "There something you want to tell us, Moony?" he teased, walking his fingers up Remus' arm and laughing when his friend immediately slapped his hand away. "We're very understanding people, obviously."

"Obviously, nothing. I'm not even certain you lot can be categorized as people," Remus snapped, shoving his textbook and the empty parchment he'd taken out for note-taking into his bag and standing up, forcing James to back up a step. "Come on, we have Charms."

Sirius, his schoolbag slung carelessly over his shoulder (why was he carrying it, exactly? Most days he didn't bother) peered around James and, smirking, said, "Uh, no we don't, Moony, it's Potions next. Has your brain dissolved?"

"Yeah, you're acting funny," Peter observed.

"Could be all the chocolate," James supplied (un)helpfully. "Or, maybe he's just seen a good-looking bird and become tongue-tied. Better not be Evans."

Remus didn't bother answering; if James knew that he liked Sirius (and he definitely _did_, he was waggling his eyebrows again), then he was just trying to take the mickey out of him and responding would only encourage this sort of behavior. No, instead he simply turned up his nose at the lot of them and stalked out of the classroom - and then stalked back in, grabbed his schoolbag, and stalked back out.

Potions was, if it were possible, even worse. It was Remus' worst subject, but he had just barely managed (with Lily's help) to get an E on his O.W.L.s, thus garnering himself a spot in Slughorn's N.E.W.T. class. Ten seconds into their first lesson of the semester, he had regretted it immediately. Even with Lily there to help, he barely managed to avoid blowing everyone in the room to smithereens. Sirius often joked that it was a talent ("Honestly, Remus, how many people can make a simple Shrinking Solution into a deadly poison?") Thankfully, Lily had taken it upon herself to ensure that Remus at least passed the class with an A, if not an E.

It was just his luck, however, that Lily wasn't in class today.

"Where the bloody hell is she?" he grumbled to himself as he sat at their usual table, slamming his textbook onto the surface and slumping down into his seat, still mumbling to himself under his breath.

"Oi, where's that snooty bird you're always hanging with?" Sirius asked as he took Lily's usual seat, grinning as he too set his book onto the table. "You know, red hair, green eyes, no soul?"

Ignoring the snarl directed at them from James' direction, Remus rolled his eyes and tried not to conspicuously ogle his friend when he once again stretched with his arms above his head, exposing a strip of pale skin at his middle that made Remus want to place his hand there, feel the skin that he was sure would be so soft and warm-

He managed to tear his gaze away just before Sirius turned to look at him, arching a brow quizzically. "What, no snappy comeback?" When Remus didn't rise to the bait, his brows hitched together and he placed a cool hand to Remus' forehead, saying, "You don't look so good. Are you feeling sick? Remus?"

The concern in Sirius' voice was genuine; he only ever used Remus' real name when he was dead serious. Still, Remus drew back at the contact, carefully avoiding the somewhat hurt look in Sirius' eyes at the withdrawal. "I'm fine, really," he told him softly, wishing he could wipe that look away but Merlin, how was he supposed to just come out and say, _Oh, I'm sorry, Padfoot, it's just that I'm completely gay for you right now and I might even love you in a 'let's get married and have technically impossible werewolf babies' sort of way, but don't freak out, I've been holding it back for the past two years and I'm about seventy-five percent sure that I won't jump you in the near future and rip your clothes off_. Did they make Hallmark cards for this sort of thing?

The half-apology seemed to work, for Sirius immediately perked up again and, grinning, said, "I'm like a buttered soldier, Moony!"

"I'm going to assume you mean-" Remus never got to explain what he assumed Sirius meant, for at that moment Professor Slughorn cleared his throat and shot them a warning glare, and Remus' mouth snapped shut. Seemingly satisfied by his obedience, the professor went on to explain the nature of today's lesson and how they were going to be making a Dizziness Draught, but as with Professor McGonagall, the words didn't register to Remus at all, because Sirius had his chair tipped back on two legs and his hand was absently tracing nonsensical patterns onto his own thigh as he listened - or maybe he was thinking about the weather, Remus really had no idea.

The entire class was nothing short of a disaster, even by Remus' usual standards of horrid. Sirius, bless him, tried his best to help out, but he wasn't quick enough to remind Remus to reduce the terry root to "a fine _powder_, Moony, don't just chop it!" and the shrivelfig, which wasn't even one of the ingredients, somehow made its way into the concoction (for it couldn't even be referred to as a potion anymore), and after that, it was merely a question of _when_, not _if_, the cauldron would explode.

The cauldron exploded.

It was only twenty minutes before the end of class, and everyone's potion was the exact pearly shade of powder blue they should be, just before the final stage of the potion-making process that would turn them a brilliant azure. And Remus'….well, Remus' was the ugliest shade of reddish-brown he'd ever seen, and he was leaning back towards the middle of their table to squint in confusion at his textbook when the cauldron fizzled, let out an angry bubbling sound, and spewed the ugly red-brown all over.

Sirius had the sense to pull Remus down with him as he dove under the table, and so they avoided most of the substance, but James and Peter, seated directly behind them, were completely drenched, and as Remus cautiously poked his head out from beneath the table, their clothing…vanished.

Peter squeaked and dropped down to hide beneath their own table - making Sirius groan and cover his eyes - but James gave a very unmanly shriek and, grabbing his textbook, used it to cover up the Potter family jewels. His face paled, then reddened with shame and fury as everyone began laughing, and he roared, "_REMUS!"_

Normally Remus would scoff at James' attempt to intimidate him, but he was already shaken up and the absolute ferocity of his friend's anger made him do something he'd never done in his life.

He fled.

"Moony, wait!" Sirius called out, but Remus ignored him as well as James' apologetic, "Remus, I didn't mean-" that was cut off by the sound of a loud thunk (such as the sound a fist made when hitting a book) and a cry of pain, and that was the last thing he heard before he ran out of the classroom and down the stone corridor. He continued running, didn't stop even after leaving the dungeons far behind, didn't stop to apologize after bumping into a Second Year and making her books fall to the ground, didn't stop until he was standing before the Fat Lady, and even then it was only to pant out the password before slipping through before the portrait hole had fully opened and sprinting up to their dormitory.

However, after slamming the door behind him, his brain caught up with his actions and he groaned as, back against the door, he slid down to the floor and continued to pant. After about five minutes, he had gotten his breathing under control and was mentally beating himself up for his cowardly behavior.

"Remus?"

The sound of Sirius' voice through the door made Remus jump, and he lifted his head to stare at the opposite wall, debating whether he should answer or hide. A moment later, the choice was taken out of his hands when Sirius sighed and said, "I know you're on the other side of the door, Remus, I can hear you breathing. You can't hide from me, Padfoot could track you down in minutes. Besides, you left your wand in class."

Remus huffed out a laugh at the attempt at humor and reluctantly stood, smoothing his hair and clothing before turning and opening the door. "Your knowledge of what I'm thinking disturbs me," he tried to joke, but one look at the expression on Sirius' face made him drop the fake smile he'd plastered onto his own. "I know, I shouldn't have run off like that," he confessed, walking over to sit on the edge of his four-poster with a sigh. "Is James terribly upset?"

"Well, not so much anymore. Slughorn gave him a robe to cover up with and he was more worried about yelling at you than his own nakedness," Sirius replied, coming fully into the dormitory and closing the door behind him. He hesitated for a moment, then asked, "Are you sure you don't feel ill, Moony? I mean, you're not good at Potions, I get it, but you've never blown anything up before, either."

"No, I'm not ill, Sirius," Remus reiterated, growing frustrated at his friend's doubtful expression. "I was just…distracted."

"Distracted? What could have you so distracted that you would blow up a cauldron? Were you staring at Slughorn's chins again? I've told you a thousand times, Moony, it's like the Sun, you don't look directly into it - or was it that Ravenclaw bird giving you the eye from across the room? I tried to choke her with my mind, but I don't think it did much good-"

"It was _you_!"

Sirius blinked. "I'm sorry?"

"You! You and your bloody - your stupid - your pretty little - auuggghhh!" Remus flopped down onto his bed and pulled a pillow over his face to hide his shame.

'_Did he just say I was _pretty?' Sirius shook his head to dislodge that thought and continued to stare at his friend. "Moony, really, what's going on? Did I do something wrong?" He couldn't quite keep the note of hurt from seeping into the words, and Remus's arm, flung across the pillow, twitched slightly. "Is it because I didn't wear my robes-?"

"Yes!" Remus threw the pillow aside and sat back up, his face slightly red and his hair sticking up in odd places from its contact with the comforter. "Yes, that's _exactly _what this is about, Sirius!" he yelled, waving his arms in the air dramatically. "You didn't wear your robes to class! Instead, you wear this - this…" He trailed off, seemingly at a loss for words, and merely gestured helplessly at Sirius' clothing.

Sirius glanced down at himself and frowned. "I _like _these clothes," he mumbled to himself somewhat grouchily. "I think they look quite good on me."

"As do I!" Remus continued, a violent hand motion accompanying the confession. "They look brilliant on you, of course they do, you're _Sirius Black_, you look dashing in just about anything, but that's just the problem. You - you go and dress like _that_," another gesture toward his outfit, "and I can't bloody concentrate on our lesson, or making sure that my bloody potion doesn't explode, or…or…"

It took a moment for realization to dawn in Sirius' eyes, but once it had, Remus felt his heart plummet and he flipped onto his stomach, groaning and pulling the pillow back over his head. "Go on then, tease me mercilessly, hit me, say you don't want to be friends anymore, roar your disgust to the entirety of Gryffindor House, do whatever it is you're thinking of doing," he said into the bedspread, not sure that Sirius could hear him and not really caring either way.

"Do you think I'm…_sexy_, Moony?"

_Oh, that voice will be the death of me_, Remus thought, stiffening at the unexpected question as well as the dip of the mattress. He didn't dare lift his head for fear of seeing the expression on Sirius' face that said he was being pranked.

There was the brief touch of fingers against his back and he gasped, arching into the caress before twisting away and rolling onto his side to gape at his friend. "S-Sirius, what are you d-doing?" he stammered.

Sirius was _smiling_. That didn't fit into the theory of trickery, and as Remus eyed him warily, Sirius answered, "You said to do whatever it is I'm thinking of doing. And what I was thinking of doing was launching myself at you and ripping your clothing off. I've decided that I should probably kiss you first."

Remus gulped and scooted back farther along the bed, a tiny squeak escaping when Sirius merely began to follow him, crawling on all fours across the bedspread and _oh Merlin, that sight should _definitely _be illegal_. "B-but you're not - you don't _like me_!" he stressed.

"Oh, but I _do _like you…_Remus_." His voice was low and seductive and the way he said Remus' name sent a shiver running along his entire body.

"Sirius-" Remus tried to mumble, but Sirius silenced him by pressing his mouth to Remus', and _Merlin, that is the best way of telling someone to shut up_.

The kiss was gentle, persuasive with a hint of passion that robbed Remus of his breath and self-control, and a few minutes later, when Sirius pulled back, Remus was startled to find that his hands had somehow migrated without his knowledge, one buried in thick black hair, the other tracing Sirius' spine, _underneath his shirt_. "Oh," he sighed softly, surprised when he could feel Sirius' chuckle reverberate through his body, which was pressed against Remus', not that he was complaining in the slightest.

"That was definitely an 'oh' sort of kiss," Sirius agreed cheekily, his eyes dancing with mirth and an undefined emotion that Remus was still scared to put a name to. Tipping backwards, he pulled Sirius with him and they laid there in comfortable silence for a moment before Remus nuzzled his friend's shoulder with his nose and said, "I like kissing you. But…can we just take a nap or something? I'm bloody exhausted."

Sirius snorted, but got into a more comfortable position anyway. "I just bet you are. Staring at me all day, you must have worn yourself out. Let's not forget the explosion."

"You knew I was staring at you?"

"You're not exactly subtle, love. And let me just say that you _ogling _me was just as distracting to me as it was to you. I knocked my ink over in Transfiguration."

"You did? How did I not catch that?"

"Well, I knocked it into Peter's lap. No one pays attention to Peter."

"Ah, that is true."

Silence reigned for another few minutes, then Sirius asked, "Do you remember exactly how you made that potion, Remus? I've got this idea for a prank…"

* * *

**Oh Peter, I make him suffer so. Just my way of saying, "_Fuck you, traitor_!" without actually saying it. Also, I'm thinking they probably would have ignored Peter most of the time, since he wasted no time in pulling a Benedict Arnold on them. That, and his entire character vaguely annoys me.**

**I know, I know, I should have put this up sooner. But Adam Levine was distracting me with his sexy voice, and he is entirely at fault. I also blame Downton Abbey.**

**Also, I made up all that tripe about the Dizziness Draught. It was mentioned in a Harry Potter game, but there wasn't any other information that I could find, and it sounded interesting, so I took it and twisted it for my own nefarious means.**

**Oh, and no offense on the redhead comment. Fun fact about me: _I love redheads. _Seriously, my goal in life is to marry a redhead and somehow mutate our genetics so that every one of our children has red hair. And I walnut fail. Does that joke work without a reference to nuts?**


	18. Are You Serious?

**So, I actually finished this on Friday - completely finished it, charming Author's Notes and all. But my Internet service provider had, apparently, accidentally placed some sort of security block on our computer that prevented me from logging in to anything. We have only just sorted it out and I apologize for the delay.**

**I realize that the books don't say what James' middle name is - I made something up. 'Cause it's fun. I enjoy manipulating. Thus, I became a writer. Amateur writer, whatever; same thing, just with less fame and fortune.**

**Oh, and thanks again to all my reviewers. If I don't reply to your reviews, please don't be offended; I am the full-time babysitter of a six-year old, and what little time I do have is spent writing and reading fan fiction (and eating, and drinking Mountain Dew.) Also, I'm a shy little wallflower at heart.**

**Warnings: There may be an F-bomb or two.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Mountain Dew, or the color orange. Actually, the color orange isn't mentioned here, but let's just keep that in mind for future reference. All I have here is my iTouch and my Hello Kitty coffee mug.**

* * *

_Setting: Seventh Year, February 22nd, an undisclosed location, somewhere in Hogwarts_

"James Octavius Potter!" Sirius announced loudly, reading from a thick file as he paced back and forth in front of the chair that James was currently sitting on - well, he might have also been tied up. He paused to snicker. "Really? That's your middle name?"

Remus cleared his throat pointedly, and Sirius gave him a slightly guilty look and said, "Right, never mind that. You will, however, be teased mercilessly later."

"Why am I here?" James demanded, squirming in his restraints. "Why did you tie me up? Is this some kinky sex thing?"

Sirius scoffed, then paused to consider the question. Thankfully, Remus spoke first. "No, this is _not _a kinky sex thing. Don't get any ideas, Sirius."

Of course, all that did was bring thoughts of tying Remus to a four-poster the next chance he got right to the forefront of Sirius' mind, and he could tell by the way he was frowning suspiciously that Remus knew exactly what he was thinking and when he was thinking of doing it. "Right, no bondage, check," he said, making it clear by his sly tone that he was going to do what he wanted anyway, so Remus might as well accept the crazy.

Sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose to keep from launching a hex at his smirking other half (because really, Sirius would probably dodge the damn thing and take the entire attack as a bloody come-on), Remus chose to ignore the entire issue and instead turned to James. "Now, don't get upset."

"Best way to start a conversation with the person you've drugged and tied to a chair."

"_Sirius, I will muzzle you if necessary_."

"Ah, excellent. Is bondage back on the table, then?"

"Not that I don't enjoy a front row seat to your little lover spats, but do you think we could move this along? My arse is going numb," James interrupted, bringing their attention back to him.

Remus cleared his throat and gestured towards Sirius. "Right. Well, as you may have figured out, we have your school file-"

"My school file? Where the bloody-? Wait, you broke into McGonagall's office?! Why do you have my school file?!"

Looking more solemn than James had ever seen him (a complete one-eighty of his behavior mere moments prior), Sirius stepped forward and held the thick file up so that James could clearly see his name written on the tab. "This is an intervention, mate."

"An-an _intervention_?! Are you _serious_?!"

"Only when I'm not Padfoot."

Clearing his throat pointedly, Remus stepped forward once more and said, "We're concerned about your relationship with Lily."

"What?" James' eyebrow lifted and he stared at the both of them as if they'd just sprouted wings and asked him to call them ferrets. "What the bloody hell are you talking about?"

Remus shook his head and said, "Just so you know, I'm in complete acceptance of you and Lily, and I'm only here to make sure Padfoot doesn't take this badly and is left to drag your limp body to the Forbidden Forest by himself."

"I still don't understand-"

"You spend all your time with her!" Sirius whined suddenly, startling both of his friends into silence. "Have you looked at your school file lately? You don't have anything in here after last June. _Last _June. No pranks. No detentions. And, even when you don't have to do your stupid Head Boy stuff, you're always hanging around _her_, and it's not like it used to be, she actually _lets _you follow her around like a damn lovesick puppy, and you never pull pranks or trip Slytherins in the hall or pull Peter's pants down in the Great Hall like we talked about doing last year, and you don't sit with us in class, and _you're not my best friend anymore_!"

The injured look on his face made Remus' heart contract painfully in his chest and he had to stop himself from rubbing the spot in an effort to dull the ache as James, eyes wide with shock, said, "Sirius, you - of course I'm still your best friend, mate-"

"What are you doing tomorrow night?"

The abrupt change in subject left James reeling, and it took a moment for his brain to reengage before he answered, "Uh, Lily and I are scheduled to patrol the fifth corridor after dinner until midnight, then I asked her if she'd help me with that Charms essay afterwards. Why-?"

Sirius, far from being mollified, had only grown angrier as he spoke, and now his fists were clenched at his sides and his face was red. "Oh really?" he spat, his tone nothing short of contemptuous. "Do you know what tomorrow _is_, Potter?"

Again James was left speechless for a moment at the use of his surname - Sirius hadn't called him Potter like that since First Year - and his brain was once again blank. "Uh…Friday?"

"Alright, since you've apparently lost any sense you had over that bloody _bird_, I'll give you a hint: Moony here is going to be considerably hairier than normal, as will Peter and I."

James blinked once, twice, three times before he understood. Horror twisted his expression as he turned to face Remus, who had cleverly fallen silent and let Sirius have the floor. "Oh Merlin, it's the full moon?!" he asked, consulting the mental calendar in his head, the one they'd all memorized back in Second Year when they'd first found out about Remus' furry little problem. _Yeah, February 23__rd__, _he thought guiltily. _Well fuck. _"I'm so sorry, Remus, I completely-"

"Forgot," Sirius finished for him. He'd crossed his arms as James turned the information over in his head and now there was a sad sardonic smirk on his face. "Just like you've forgotten what you promised Peter you'd help him with _two days ago_, just like you've forgotten our plans to sneak into Hogsmeade tonight to get more chocolate for Remus' recuperation Saturday, just like you've forgotten that it's our _last year at Hogwarts_, and we haven't actually spent any time together in the past two months that didn't involve someone snoring." He leaned close to James' face and narrowed his eyes as they met James'. "You say you're still my best friend. If that's true, then you're the sorriest excuse for a friend I've ever known." He straightened, shot Remus an apologetic look, threw James' school file on the floor, and stormed out of the room, slamming the door with a resounding thud.

Silence reigned for several minutes before Remus chanced a glance at James. He was frozen in place, expression stricken, and more than a little guilty and hurt. After hesitating for another moment, Remus bent down to gather the thick folder and the spilled contents. "Don't take him _too _seriously," he said to the floor. "We all know that Sirius has a flair for the dramatic. He probably would've slapped you with a glove if he'd had one on him, and I made sure to confiscate it beforehand."

"No, Remus, he was right." James shook his head sadly as Remus straightened up and pulled out his wand to undo his bonds. "I've been a right git this term. Hell, I didn't even remember the _full_, Remus! How could I be so stupid?!"

"You're not stupid, Prongs," Remus told him seriously, mumbling a spell that made the ropes around James slump limply to the ground, though one stubborn end wiggled about for a moment before finally giving up. He gave it a fierce glare, then shook his head and held out his hand to James. "You're _not_," he repeated at his friend's glum look. "Look, Lily is your first serious relationship. You just need some practice. Do you think it was easy when Sirius and I first started dating?"

James allowed Remus to pull him to his feet, wincing as his right leg began to prickle from the forced activity, and grasped Remus' shoulder to keep his balance. "But it was different, it was easier, you were already friends," he complained.

He was surprised when that brought a bark of laughter (which sounded suspiciously like Sirius') from his friend, and Remus grinned as if he'd just heard a great joke. "Are you mad?" he asked lightly, handing James his school file. "It was worse! We were always sneaking off to do 'couple things', leaving you and Pete in the lurch, and you threatened to kick us out of The Marauders if we didn't, and I quote, 'get your bloody act together, stop snogging behind that poor suit of armor, and throw the fucking feathers when I give the signal!' You were so adorable back then."

"Oh." James was really getting tired of having his brain scrambled today. Now that Remus mentioned it, he did remember how difficult the Remius (and he'd tried valiantly to stop Sirius from spreading that stupid couple name around Hogwarts, to no avail) had been to stomach three years ago - not because he had a problem with his two best friends being gay, but because his two best friends were dating _each other _and it made everyone else in the group feel awkward and put-out. Eventually, they'd fallen into a comfortable routine: When they were Marauding, Remus was Remus and Sirius was Sirius; any other time, they were Remius, the odd, two-headed monster that liked to argue, discuss feelings, and grope itself in its spare time.

Remus saw the recognition dawn on his friend's face and smiled. "And there you go," he said, stepping back and letting James test out his fully awakened limb. "You can be Lily's boyfriend James while still being Sirius' best friend Prongs. You just have to find your balance."

"Yeah," James agreed, smiling himself as inspiration struck. "Say, Moony, do you still have that potion from last week?"

"You mean…?"

"Well, I was thinking…this file is feeling pretty light to me. And I owe you all an apology - what could be better than an 'I'm Sorry' prank? At the expense of a few Slytherins, of course."

Grinning, Remus clapped him soundly on the back as he walked towards the door. "See? Being a part of Jily hasn't softened you a bit."

"_Please_ tell me you're joking."

* * *

**Aww, couple names. So cute. So…nauseating, sure, a bit, but I thought it sounded like something that Sirius could get behind (pun intended? no, happy accident.) I just thought we needed a bit of arguing and a hint of friendly angst to go with all the sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows in this little collection. We're almost to twenty, is anyone excited?! I definitely am!**

**Enjoy and review, lovelies!**


	19. Chocolate

**Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. Or, as I like to call it, Thursday.**

**What? No, I don't have a boyfriend. Thanks for bringing that up. Peter is getting more at this rate than I am. (Shudder-inducing, I know.)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the songs mentioned in this chapter. I do, however, own my own loneliness.**

* * *

_Setting: Seventh Year, February 14th, boy's dorm, Gryffindor Tower_

It was staring at him again.

"No, I refuse your wiles, temptress!" Remus glared, resolve not wavering in the slightest.

Two seconds later, it was in his hands and he was ripping the paper off.

A moan escaped his lips as the first bite dissolved beautifully on his tongue and he closed his eyes in sweet bliss at the addicting flavor. It wasn't until the third bite was swallowed that he became aware of deep chuckling behind him and his eyes shot open as he swung around to glare reproachfully (and a bit guiltily) at his best friend. "Shut _up_, Sirius!" he growled, clutching the box to his chest. "It was _there_!"

Sirius' laughter subsided a bit as he came to sit beside Remus on the bed, crossing his legs beneath him as he said, "I told you that it was yours if you wanted it, Moons. You know I'm not going to eat it, might as well make someone happy."

"I know what you said, Sirius, but…this isn't just a bar you had lying about, it's _Valentine's _chocolate. From a _girl_. I just don't feel right eating it," Remus confessed, just before taking another mouthful of the chocolate in question.

His friend rolled his eyes and sighed. "You know I'm not interested in any of those birds. They're missing a vital bit of anatomy. I try to refuse it, but they just…keep giving me chocolate. It's mind-boggling, really. I mean, if they 'like' me enough to get me sweets, why can't they 'like' me enough to realize that my favorite candy is-"

"Licorice, yes, I know, you're an odd one," Remus cut him off impatiently. "It just feels…wrong. Like I'm stomping on the delicate hearts of insecure, smitten females." He took another bite of the chocolate with a sigh.

Sirius smirked and playfully nudged Remus' knee with his own. "You just might get some chocolate of your own, Moons," he said lightly. "I mean, the day's not over yet, plenty of time for a bird or a bloke to slip you a card and some candy. Or maybe flowers."

Remus snorted at the very idea. "Sirius, you know better than anyone that I don't have any admirers - unless you count Lily, and I don't, mostly because James would kill me if I so much as picked out a card for her, and also because she just loves me for my brain."

"And your luscious sandy locks."

"There is that. So, no, I don't expect I'll be getting-" He was cut off as the dormitory door swung open and Peter walked in. Waddled in. There was an enormous card in his hands - or balanced atop his head, more like - and he was staggering under the weight of it, his face bright red with his exertion. "D-delivery for Remus J. Lupin!" he managed to gasp out before collapsing onto the floor.

Remus stared at the giant card, not quite sure whether he should be flattered or horrified. It was about four feet long and two feet wide, pure white but for Remus' named splashed across the front in a curvy font that changed colors every five seconds. Biting his lip, he stood and, grasping one end of the card, flipped it open.

"_REMUS_!" it shouted, and he very nearly fell over in shock. "_I SIRIUSLY WANT TO BE YOUR VALENTINE_!"

Before he could do more than gape (he knew that voice, of course he did, he'd heard it nearly every day since First Year), music began to pour from the card and that same voice started singing.

_Singing._

"_my love must be a kind of blind love_

_I can't see anyone but you_

_are the stars out tonight_

_I don't know if it's cloudy or bright_

_I only have eyes for you, dear_

_the moony may be high_

_but I can't see a thing in the sky_

_'cause I only have eyes for you_

_I don't know if we're in a garden_

_or on a crowded avenue_

_you are here, so am I_

_maybe millions of people go by_

_but they all disappear from view_

_and I only have eyes for you_

_the moon may be high_

_but I can't see a thing in the sky_

_'cause I only have eyes for you_

_you are here, so am I_

_maybe millions of people go by_

_but they all disappear from view_

_I don't know if we're in a garden_

_or on a crowded avenue_

_you are here, so am I_

_maybe millions of people go by_

_but they all disappear from view_

_and I only have eyes for you"_

As the music died down, Remus was frozen in place and his mouth was open as if it wanted to say something, but didn't have permission from his stupefied brain. Finally, he managed to croak, "S-Sirius…"

"It's your favorite song, right?"

And Remus couldn't help but flush, because the only way Sirius could _possibly _know that was his favorite song was if he'd been listening to him singing in the shower last Friday, which he had stubbornly denied when James teased him about it later. He eyed Sirius warily and wasn't at all surprised to find him grinning stupidly back at him. "Is this a joke?" he asked cautiously.

"A joke? No, not at all. We heard you singing in the shower last Friday" -_just how many people had actually heard him?!_- "and I decided to go with that one. I was trying to choose between _Feel Like Makin' Love_, _You Sexy Thing_, and _You're My Best Friend_. But I like how it turned out, I didn't sound half bad, though I would've loved to see the look on your face if I'd gone with any of the others-"

"Wait, wait, hold on," Remus interrupted, cutting of Sirius' ramblings with a wild hand gesture in front of his face. "So you were actually planning on giving me a valentine, even before the whole…shower debacle?"

Sirius blinked, as if he didn't understand the question. "Uh, yes. Actually, I was going to send you one last year, but I bottled out. Do you…do you like it?" He suddenly looked incredibly uncertain of himself, running a nervous hand through his hair with his gaze directed somewhere to his right.

Fighting back the grin tugging at his mouth, Remus looked once more at the now-silent card and raised a questioning eyebrow when he noticed the large red heart. Before he could ask, Sirius said, "Tap it with your wand."

Drawing his wand from his pocket, Remus did as he was told and leaned forward slightly as white cursive words began to form inside of the heart.

_six years ago, we met and became the best of friends_

_and I never thought that I would ever want for this to end_

_but then I went and fell in love with your heart, your smile, and your soul_

_and now I find I have in mind a completely different goal_

_so if you can find it in your heart, or even just in your mind_

_Remus J. Lupin, would you be my belated valentine?_

There were tears in his eyes and a lump in his throat, but he looked at Sirius all the same, swallowing thickly so that he could say, "Oh Sirius, of course."

Sirius' uncertainty gave way to joy and he practically leaped across the space between them to press a shaky kiss to Remus' mouth, ignoring his squeak of surprise, and clutched a handful of his soft sandy hair. "Awesome," he mumbled against Remus' lips, smirking when a shiver worked its way down his friend's spine. "Awesome," he repeated, kissing him again, deeper this time, with just a hint of the passion swirling inside of him.

"I'm still here!" Peter managed to yelp from the floor, still being squashed by the card (and really, how was a bit of paper so heavy, anyway?). "And you forgot the chocolate!"

Sirius Black was a good kisser, but not _that _good. At the word 'chocolate', Remus pushed Sirius away and blinked down at Peter. "Chocolate? Chocolate where?"

"Oi, I was snogging you!" Sirius complained, but he was smiling as he pressed a kiss to Remus' cheek before standing and squatting down beside their irritated friend, whose glare was effectively ruined by the fact that his face was hidden behind the card. Sirius picked up a paper bag that Remus hadn't even noticed and pulled out a stack of about five of Honeyduke's best and largest chocolate bars, all tied together with a big red bow on top. He held it out and beamed happily when Remus immediately snatched the gift and began tearing at the ribbon. "Happy Valentine's Day, Moony."

Remus stopped destroying the pretty bow long enough to smile crookedly at Sirius and press a quick kiss to his still outstretched hand. "Happy Valentine's Day, Padfoot," he said back. "And thank you. I didn't get you anything, though."

"That's alright," Sirius replied easily, watching as Remus gleefully got one of the chocolate bars open and took an extra-large bite. "I accept sexual favors."

"Again, _I'm still here_!"

* * *

**Ah, Valentine's Day. Enjoy the sappiness, everyone.**

**Songs mentioned or used: _I Only Have Eyes For You _by Art Garfunkel, _Feel Like Makin' Love _by Bad Company, _You Sexy Thing _by Hot Chocolate, _You're My Best Friend _by Queen. I looked up popular songs in the U.K. in 1975 and just picked a few, and I added the last one because it's _perfect_, and it's one of my favorite Queen songs (incidentally, my favorite Queen song is a tie between _Bohemian Rhapsody _and _Under Pressure _feat. David Bowie.) I know they weren't in Seventh Year in 1975, but I didn't feel like doing math, so let's just pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, 'cause I could really used a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now.**

**And as a nice little bonus, some James/Lily:**

* * *

Lily knew James Potter. She knew that he was eccentric, over the top, and completely insane. This said, she really should've expected something like this to happen on their first Valentine's Day together.

But when she walked into the common room that morning, at the ungodly hour of six-thirty, she was not prepared at all.

Their faces were _everywhere_. It was a close-up shot he'd asked Remus to take the month prior, when they'd gotten back from Christmas vacation and he'd declared that he was never going to leave her side again ("_two weeks is fourteen days too long to go without seeing my Lilyflower_!"). James had his arm around her shoulders and was pressing a kiss to her hair as she blushed and smiled. It was a good picture, but it was _everywhere_.

"_POTTER_!"

At her shout, James dropped the streamer he was putting up and nearly fell from the rickety chair he was standing on. "L-Lily!" he stammered nervously, turning to stare wide-eyed at her glare and the arms folded across her chest, obviously furious. "You, uh, you weren't supposed to see it yet," he continued, abandoning the streamer and hopping down, crossing the room to stand before her, eyeing her nervously. He studied her expression for a moment and his face fell. "You don't like it."

He looked so completely disappointed and depressed that her anger melted away and she sighed in defeat. "It's just a bit…excessive," she told him, smiling when he stubbornly waved her words away and continued to frown dejectedly. "James." She took a step forward and, cupping his face between both hands, forced him to look her in the eye. "I might not like having my face plastered all over the common room, but I do like the sentiment behind it," she told him firmly, reaching up on her tiptoes to kiss him sweetly before drawing back. "I like you. I _love _you."

"I love you, too," he mumbled, smiling a bit though he still looked upset.

Lily gave him another kiss, then stepped completely back and looked around again, struggling not to wince. "Now, can we please take these down so that I can give you your gift?" she asked, smirking when he immediately perked up.

After all, she knew how much he liked photographs.


	20. Don't Wanna Be Friends With Benefits

**SO. This is a bit late. I just happened to be perusing the Harry Potter section of my Documents and pulled this up, then went, "Eh. Why not?" So here it is. Sorry if it sucks, I finished it at five this morning. Don't judge me. Don't try to understand me, just love me. Because I'm loveable. And tired.**

**Whoo! Twenty one-shots! I'm excited! Maybe you, my lovelies, could help me celebrate by getting me past the one-hundred review mark…? Just a suggestion. I also accept sexual favors. (Aca-awkward!) Just kidding. Chocolate's good.**

**Partially influenced by the song Why by Jason Aldean - quite possibly my favorite song by him, in the history of forever and ever, and by Why by Avril Lavigne - and I have no idea how that happened, but hey, happy accident.**

**Oh, and this is my first one-shot set after they leave Hogwarts. I know that Sirius technically bought a house in seventh year and all that jazz, but I do what I want.**

**Warning: Language. And mentions of sexytimes.**

**Disclaimer: Jeez, we've got to stop meeting like this, seriously. If it makes you feel any better, I don't have to be in court to place my hand on a Bible and swear that I don't own Harry Potter. Also, I'm not a hustler. NO SEXUAL FAVORS. As someone once said in my high school computer class, "There are no sexual favors! But there _are _sexual flavors!" And I think that pretty much says it all, huh?**

* * *

_Setting: London, England, Sirius and Remus' flat, several months after leaving Hogwarts_

As soon as Sirius entered their shared flat, he threw his keys down on the table just inside the door and made a beeline for his room, barely sparing a glance in Remus' direction. This wasn't really uncommon, so Remus merely shrugged and went back to his book. He managed to read several pages before Sirius emerged once more, dressed in ridiculously tight jeans, a fitted black t-shirt, and the clunky black biker boots he always wore for a night on the town. His hair was possibly even more ridiculous than the jeans, styled into no style whatsoever, which was apparently in style.

"Another date with Janice?" Remus asked nonchalantly.

Sirius grinned as he shrugged on his heavy leather jacket with the spikes that, really, just made him look like a prat - a good-looking prat, but a prat nonetheless. "Looks like," he quipped, crossing the room to ruffle his friend's hair. "Don't wait up, darling," he said, pressing a kiss to Remus' forehead.

Remus kicked out his leg and managed to catch him on the shin before he could dance away, smiling when Sirius yelped and shouted, "Domestic abuse!"

When Remus went back to his book and refused to draw the game out any further, Sirius heaved a long-suffering sigh and grabbed his keys, saying, "I'll bring you back a doggy bag!"

Remus snorted. "Right. Make good choices!" he called out without looking up from his book.

"Doubtful!" came the cheeky reply just before the flat door slammed shut.

* * *

Later that night, Remus was sitting up in bed reading that same book when something crashed outside his door, then the door itself burst open and a tipsy Sirius stumbled in sans the leather jacket he'd left in earlier. His t-shirt was slightly ripped and his appearance was just generally disheveled. "I broke up with Janice!" he announced, barely managing to stumble over to the bed in his intoxicated state. "Well, she broke up with me, but still!"

"Oh yeah?" Remus eyed him over his book and took in his rumpled state as his friend clutched onto the bedpost to keep upright. "I would say I'm sorry, but you're not exactly heartbroken, are you?"

Sirius collapsed onto the bed next to him and cuddled up to his side, smelling of alcohol, sweat, and sex. "She was getting a bit clingy, said that we should take our relationship to 'the next level', wanted to move in with me… I told her that I already lived with someone, and she blew up. Kept shouting that if I was carrying on with another 'slag' that I obviously didn't care about her and blah blah blah…" He yawned and nuzzled Remus' neck with his nose. "Mm, you smell good…"

"Your girlfriend called me a slag?"

"Ex-girlfriend, love, remember? Our conversation five seconds ago…"

"It wasn't really a conversation, you did most of the talking." Remus went back to his book, ignoring the hand that was laying on his chest, a bit too close to his nipple to be coincidence. "I'm deeply saddened by your break-up, _again_, but I am not having sex with you tonight."

"But Mooooony, I want tooooooooooooo-!"

"I said no, Sirius."

Sirius sat up straighter, nearly falling over in his drunken state, and frowned. "You've been talking to Lily again, haven't you? Moony, what have I told you about girls?"

"That they're evil, evil little creatures and should never be asked for advice on the subject of sex because they have morals?"

"Exactly! Lily just doesn't get us, Moons."

Remus set his book aside, a move telling of his mood, and slightly turned to face his friend. "Sirius, _I_ don't even get us. I haven't talked to Lily about this for a month, this is my decision. I don't want to do this with you anymore. It's always the same routine: Break up with girlfriend, shack up with Remus. Find new girlfriend, dump Remus to the side. Then rinse and repeat. It's not right, Sirius, and I don't deserve that."

Some unknown emotion flickered in Sirius' eyes, almost immediately replaced with anger. "So you're, what, calling this all off, just because you're feeling put-out? You're my best friend, Remus!"

"James is your best friend," Remus replied. "Why don't you go shag him?"

"Well, for one, he's with Lily - and I'm not attracted to him!" Sirius added hastily as Remus made a violent motion with his hands. "I don't want to shag James, Remus. And you _are _my best friend. James is more like a brother than anything."

Remus was quiet for a moment, then he sighed and ran a hand over his face and through his hair in frustration. "But Sirius, best friends don't do this to each other. If I were really your best friend, you wouldn't hurt me like this. Do you know how horrid it is for me every time you bring a girl here? How worthless it makes me feel? I actually _like _you, Sirius, and you don't see me that way at all, do you? There's a big difference between attraction and feelings, and if we keep doing this, I'm going to have very _strong _feelings, and that just might kill me."

Sirius opened his mouth to speak, thought better of it, and snapped it shut again. He stared at a point over Remus' shoulder and his face twisted up into a grimace. After a moment of tense silence, he nodded, having seemingly come to a conclusion. "You're right," he said, his tone tired. "You're absolutely right. I haven't been a very good friend. Fuck, I'm sorry, Rem." He scrubbed a hand over his face and sighed. "You're right, we can't keep doing this. It's not fair to you. You're right."

Remus _was _right. But that didn't stop his heart from deflating when Sirius moved off the bed and left his room with a muttered goodnight. Flopping back onto his sheets, he clutched at his pillow and wondered with an ever-sinking heart whether he'd just completely mucked everything up.

* * *

So the next morning when he awoke to find his friend looming over him, grinning with a cup of fragrant tea in his hand, his first reaction was, of course, to shriek (_not_ like a bloody girl, Sirius is a filthy liar) and leap away, almost falling off the other side of the bed in his haste. "Fucking hell, Sirius!" he grumbled, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and squinting (like glaring, only it's too early in the morning) up at Sirius (and he definitely _was _giggling like a schoolgirl, Sirius is a filthy liar).

"I brought you some tea!" Sirius announced cheerfully, holding out the cup obviously. "And I made breakfast! Well, I was going to make scrambled eggs - did you know those things come in hard shells? - and sausages - which, apparently, are slippery bastards, I managed to get some grease on the floor while I was holding the pan and slipped and the entire pan flew out the window - we need a new frying pan, by the way, and the neighbor's cat might have been caught in the crossfire - but that didn't work out, so I made burnt toast."

Remus was well-versed in Sirius-speak, so it only took him half a second to realize what the hell had just come out of his mouth. "_You're _replacing the pan, _and _apologizing to the Henderson's," he told him sternly, accepting the cup and blowing lightly on the surface to cool it. "But more to the point, _why _are you acting so suspiciously nice?"

"Moony, you wound me!" Sirius exclaimed dramatically, pressing a hand to his chest. "Can't a bloke do some nice things for his mate as an 'I fucked up and I'd like to make it up to you'?"

Choosing not to answer right away, Remus sipped his tea and eyed him warily. The expression on Sirius' face was sincere, even if the words escaping his mouth were utter bullshit. "You don't have to 'make it up' to me, Pads," he said, trying for a smile and not quite succeeding. "Really, it's better this way. We're still friends, yeah?"

Sirius visibly relaxed - Remus hadn't even realized how tense his friend had been - and grinned. "Yeah, still friends. But still, I'd like to take you to lunch. Really, I owe you for the horrible attempt at breakfast. Don't eat the toast, it's horrible, I fed a bit to the cat and it choked."

"_Would you stop alienating our neighbors_?!"

* * *

They went out to lunch that day. Then it was Monday, and Remus was quite shocked when Sirius showed up at his work at noon with sandwiches and Butterbeer and declared that he was going to eat with Remus, just to make sure he actually _ate_, he was getting a bit thin and no one wants a twig, right? And somehow, Remus wasn't at all surprised when it happened again on Tuesday, then Wednesday, then Thursday and Friday, and that night he stayed in the flat, ordering take-out and dredging up a bottle of whiskey seemingly out of nowhere. They ate dinner and talked, joking and laughing and _flirting_ for hours, then Sirius helped Remus clean up the dishes and they sat down on the couch and continued their conversation. At any moment Remus expected Sirius to go get ready for his usual night on the town, but when Sirius did get up, it was with a yawn and a, "I'm utterly whacked! 'Night, Moons!" as he sauntered off in the direction of his bedroom. Remus just sat there in stunned silence for a good ten minutes before he too retired to his bedroom, his mind whirling with implications and reasoning and mostly just a heap of confusion as to what it all meant.

When Sirius spent the entirety of Saturday with Remus, grocery shopping, perusing boring book shops and even going so far as to _buy him a chocolate ice cream_, Remus exploded. He marched back to their flat, ignoring Sirius' queries and whingeing until they were inside and the door was closed and locked. He whirled around so fast that Sirius had to leap backward to avoid clanking their heads together, then poked him in the chest, _hard_. "I know what you're doing!" he bit out angrily, then paused. "Well, actually, I _don't_, but I know what you're _not _doing, and that's actually worse than actually knowing."

Sirius' expression was so dumbfounded and confused that it gave Remus pause for a moment - long enough for Sirius to say, "Er, Moony, I really don't know what you're talking about. We were just having a good time-"

"Exactly!" Remus interrupted, carding a hand through his hair in frustration. "You hate grocery shopping! You hate book shops! You hate chocolate ice cream! You hate staying in, and you hate coming by my work, and you hate cooking, and-and I don't know why you're doing this to me!" He stalked away and ended up pacing between the television and the couch, wearing a trail into the already worn carpet.

"What the fuck - Remus, have you gone off your rocker? I don't understand what you're so angry about. I'm just trying to be a good friend-"

The pacing abruptly came to a stop, and Sirius' eyes widened when Remus' shoulders began shaking - _was he crying_?! - but he sagged in relief when he realized it was laughter coming from his flat mate. "Er, Remus?" he asked tentatively.

"I'm sorry, Sirius," Remus said a second later, his laughter subsiding into little hiccups that, really, were just bloody adorable. "I'm terribly sorry, there seems to be something wrong with your brain."

Sirius scowled. "Well. That's rude."

"No, you don't - see, your behavior this past week has been highly confusing," Remus tried to explain, his face twisting into a sad grimacing smile. "Treating me to lunch, staying in nights to talk and flirt, doing things you don't really want to do just because I want to do them - that isn't you being a good friend, Pads. This thing we're doing? It's called _dating_. I believe what you've been up to this past week has been what they call _courting_."

Sirius' mouth opened, then closed, then opened again. "I…" He paused, expression thoughtful, then a slow smile spread out over his face. "I think you're right again, Moony."

"Of course I am." Remus shook his head and let out of a huff of exasperated breath when Sirius rolled his eyes. "I'm right about most things. So, can we just forget all of this happened and go back to being friends?" he added hopefully.

Almost immediately, Sirius shook his head in the negative. "I don't think we can, Remus," he said seriously - so seriously that Remus' hopes crashed all at once, because Sirius was never that serious, about _anything. _His anguish must have shown on his face, because Sirius quickly continued, "I don't mean it like that, Moony - I don't mean that we can't be friends! I just…I don't want to be just friends. With you. I don't want to go out with those stupid birds all the time. I want to stay in with you." He took a step forward, closer to where Remus was frozen in place. "I want to take you lunch every day. I want to go to the market, and I want to stand around a boring shop and watch you try to decide what your new book of the week will be. I want to be able to kiss you whenever I want. I want to cuddle up with you on the couch. And I want to shag," he added, almost as an afterthought. As he'd spoken, he was steadily getting closer, until they were face to face, so close that he could feel Remus' breath on his face. "But I want to shag _you_," he clarified. "Because you've completely ruined me for other slags, Remus J. Lupin."

That earned him a derisive snort, and he grinned as Remus' face slowly relaxed, his mask cracking and showing glimpses of emotions, most prevalently relief, joy, and a softening that could only be described as love, and that made Sirius' heart swell in happiness. Shaking his head, Remus let out a small laugh and smirked. "So what you're saying is you're a bit hung up on me, is that it?" he asked cheekily, his smirk widening when Sirius gasped dramatically and thumped him lightly on the arm.

"Alright, clever clog, just shut up and kiss me before I change my mind! We have a week to make up for, you know."

And really, who was Remus to argue with logic that sound?

* * *

**So…kinda heavy-handed with the hyphens and italics here, huh? I hope you enjoy it, and again, sorry it took so long - I blame our new dog. She chewed up my favorite sandals. And my undergarments. And when I cry out, "Why are you ruining everything I love?!" she just gives me a "the fuck are you on?" look and slinks out of the room. My chi was all out of whack.**


	21. Just To See You Smile

**Remember in More Than Words (Chapter 12) where it said (Remus' gaze met his and he gave that half-smile that had sealed the bid on Sirius' heart back in First Year, his tone completely sincere when he repeated, "More than words, Sirius.")? Well, this is the story behind that. Kind of. I actually started this for a completely different reason, but it just…fit. I love my brain.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Oh, I'm sorry, were you expecting something funny? Dead puppies. Yeah, now you feel bad, don't you? …fine. Cute, fluffy, _alive _kittens. You're welcome.**

* * *

_Setting: First Year, Hogwarts_

Sirius Black had always considered his life to be just short of horribly unfortunate. A crazed family of inbred Muggle-haters, a mother who expected him to spring forth from the womb as a powerful dark wizard, a father who severely disciplined him whether he was at fault or not, and a little brother who was too young to know that the crap their parents sprouted was, in fact, crap. His childhood was doom and gloom since before he could remember, but he learned never to expect anything else.

Then he came to Hogwarts.

"You'll be in Slytherin, of course!" his mother had told him shrilly, a note of pride in her voice. "Every Black gets sorted into Slytherin! It's the best House, you know - not like those weak Hufflepuffs, or those know-it-all Ravenclaws, or - _foolish Gryffindor - _no, you'll be a Slytherin, and quite proud of your House!"

Except he _hadn't _been sorted into Slytherin. After a whispered conversation with the Sorting Hat, he was placed into Gryffindor. At first, his response had been horror - surely his parents would never allow him to remain a Gryffindor? Every face at the green and silver clad table had been horrified and angry as he made his way to the Gryffindor table, more vibrantly shaded in crimson and gold. And some of the Gryffindors had similar expressions on their faces, but most of them cheered and welcomed him with literal open arms.

And suddenly, he wasn't horrified anymore.

Sitting on a mostly empty bench, he watched as the rest of the first years were sorted into their houses, half-heartedly joining in with the cheering whenever a new Gryffindor stumbled over to their table. "Lupin, Remus" ended up across from him, and he studied the new boy with interest. He looked smaller than eleven, with pale skin and sandy hair, and Sirius couldn't help but notice how thin and frail he appeared. Nevertheless, the boy smiled at him when he looked up and caught Sirius staring, and Sirius returned the smile with a grin and extended his hand across the table. "Black, Sirius!" he introduced himself.

"Lupin, Remus," the boy replied, taking his hand after only a moment of hesitation. He had a surprisingly firm grip and Sirius inwardly winced as they shook hands, then turned as one to watch the rest of the Sorting.

Minutes later, "Pettigrew, Peter" joined Gryffindor and sat beside Remus, and the introductions started again. He was shorter than them both, slightly pudgy, with blonde hair cut into an unfortunate hairstyle and perpetually wide blue eyes.

The next boy to be Sorted, the boy whom Sirius had sat next to on the train, strode confidently up to the stool and, without bothering to sit, picked up the Hat and jammed it on his head. Sirius laughed as the Hat immediately shouted, "GRYFFINDOR!" The stern Professor McGonagall reprimanded him for not obeying instructions, but the Gryffindors were roaring so loudly that it was impossible to hear her and after a minute or so, she sent him on his way.

"James Potter!" he introduced himself immediately as he took the seat next to Sirius, wiggling his eyebrows comically. "You're that Black kid from the train. Didn't I tell you Gryffindor was the best? Everyone's talking about you, you know."

Sirius surprised himself by smirking and saying, "Actually, the name's Sirius, _Potter_. That's a weird last name."

"No weirder than _Black_."

And a beautiful friendship was born.

The four boys were roomed together, along with another First Year named Frank Longbottom, a boy with dark hair and a rather scrawny physique. James and Sirius immediately claimed two of the beds, bouncing onto the comforters and admiring their scarlet- and gold surroundings as the other boys, with more reserve and restraint, chose from the other beds. Remus chose the bed closest to the door, which also happened to be on Sirius' left, and Peter chose the bed on James' right, leaving Frank with the last four-poster.

"This is totally wicked!" Sirius fairly crowed, grinning up at the ceiling of his canopy with a warm feeling blossoming in his chest. "Much better than being a Slytherin."

"Definitely!" James agreed, playfully shoving Sirius so that he almost fell off his bed. "Glad you dodged that hex, eh?"

Peter nodded in agreement, though it appeared he did it just to fit in, but Remus frowned and straightened from his somewhat relaxed position on his own four-poster. "Are they really that bad?" he asked with an air of curiosity.

James rolled his eyes. "They're horrid, mate. My dad told me all about them. Said they were mean-spirited and hateful, and they _despise _Gryffindors. It's a war, and they're our biggest enemy!"

"Yeah!" Sirius sat up and crossed his legs, eyes dancing at the thought of going head-to-head with his almost-House. "We should do something… You know, to get a head start!"

"Like… a prank?" Peter suggested, glancing at the two boys for signs of approval.

"Prank…" James rolled the word around on his tongue, as if tasting it, then grinned. "Yeah. A prank. You in, mate?"

Sirius returned his grin and bounced on his bed happily. "'Course!" Then he glanced at Remus, who had wrinkled his nose up slightly in distaste. "Does that look mean you don't want to join in?"

Almost instantly, the pale boy's expression became shuttered and he looked down at his feet, mumbling something about not wanting to get in trouble. Sirius rolled his eyes. "C'mon, live a little! Well, if you're not going to help us, then you better not tell anyone, especially that stuffy old bat."

"You mean Professor McGonagall?" Frank supplied with an expression of polite interest from the other side of the room. "Keep me out of it. I've got nothing against the Slytherins."

James shrugged. "Your loss. Alright, so I've got a few ideas…"

* * *

Two days later, Sirius found himself being pulled into a broom closet.

He and James had concocted the perfect prank to play on the Slytherins, and Peter had helped with the execution, and it was bloody hysterical and a dead cert - because honestly, when is nudity _not _funny? - but apparently the boys they'd pranked didn't think it was, because as soon as they'd managed to catch their robes (flying across the room, they were, playing keep-away with their owners) and pull them back on, they'd set to chasing after them. Peter was caught almost immediately, slow as he was, and Sirius and James were separated when Sirius ducked through a doorway that led to, surprise surprise, another set of empty hallways. Unfortunately, one of the Slytherins was following him, and Sirius had just dodged a Stunner as he flew around a corner when suddenly there were hands grabbing him and yanking him through another door.

His mouth opened (either to shout or scream like a little girl wasn't certain) when one of those hands clamped over his mouth and a somewhat familiar voice hissed, "Shut it, before we both get caught!" as the door swung shut, plunging them into complete darkness.

Footsteps approached their door and Sirius held his breath, silently praying to someone he didn't know or believe in that the Slytherin was too stupid to check for him behind the door. Miraculously, the footsteps receded after a pause, but he still waited another handful of moments before breathing a sigh of relief. "Fuck," he cursed, the word sounding foreign on his tongue, but it summarized the moment pretty well.

He was shocked when his rescuer chuckled at the bad word, then he heard a low murmur and blinked heavily as a sudden bright light filled the tiny room. It was a broom closet, a very small broom closet, and it took him a moment before he recognized the boy standing before him. "Lupin?" he said incredulously. "What are you…I thought you didn't…huh?"

Remus laughed again and shrugged. "I figured you lot were going to get yourselves into trouble, so I decided to oversee your little 'prank'. Nice one, by the way, although as a moral human being I have to say that it was a bit much for a one-off, especially in a crowded hallway after classes have just ended."

"Oh…yeah. A bit not good?"

"Just a bit." Remus smiled then - a brilliant, spectacularly white half-smile that curved his thin lips into something amazing that just might have taken Sirius' breath away for a long moment - and continued, "So, it seems as if I cannot stand idly by and watch you boys muck this whole pranking thing up. I think you're going to need someone smart enough to make sure you don't get caught."

And maybe Sirius should be offended by that, because he's never been accused of being anything less than intelligent, but instead he finds himself beaming back at him, this quiet boy with the smile that might actually be his undoing in years to come, and saying, "Yeah. I think you're probably right about that."

It wasn't until they'd vacated the broom closet and gone back to the Gryffindor common room that they discovered Peter had been put into a Full-Body Bind and left for dead in the Charms corridor, and that James had managed to get away and came back around to point and laugh at the poor boy, and that Professor McGonagall had found him there and just assumed that he'd been the culprit and gave him a week's worth of detention. Sirius couldn't really bring himself to care, even as he listened to James' whingeing and avoided Peter's accusing glares, because every once in a while, Remus would look up from his book and shoot him another one of those affectionate smiles, and he was lost in the foreign but entirely welcome warm feeling in his chest.

* * *

**So. Abrupt ending is abrupt. I wanted to put something up because I'm leaving tomorrow (today, actually) for a five-day beach trip and I'd feel guilty, knowing I was enjoying the pool and the air-conditioning (because why would you go on a beach trip to go to the beach? I hate the beach) while you all suffered. I've had this in my folder for a while and thought, 'Eh, it's mostly finished - I'mma put you up.' So if it makes little to no sense, I apologize. I have to be up in four hours.**


	22. Like A Stallion

**Hey, everybody! Thanks for the well-wishes, I did have a pretty relaxing time - even if it was, like, forty degrees the entire time we were at the beach. I was like, "What the hell, Florida? I mean, I love you, I've lived here my whole life, but man. You're seriously killing my beach-boner. If that was a thing."**

**Warnings: Language. This time it was all me, folks. I just like to curse. Makes me feel cool. (everybody's doing it)**

**Disclaimer: Much like the leprechaun that lives under my bridge, I don't own Harry Potter. Yeah, I know. It's ridiculous. Stupid leprechaun thinks it's a troll. And I'm like, "Where's your gold?" and he just hollers, "Get off my bridge!" He's a mean little fucker.**

* * *

_Setting: Seventh Year, Hogwarts, some random hallway_

"How hard is it to just say, 'Sirius Black, I fancy the bloody pants off of you and want nothing more than to mount you like a stallion and fuck you into the bed sheets!'?!"

Cough. "Did you just use the phrase 'mount you like a stallion' in regular conversation?"

"Is there anything regular about telling your best friend that you're in love with him?"

"I don't know, this has never been a problem before."

"Well, it needs to be dealt with. You can't go on like this."

"Lily, why can't you just mind your own business?"

"I have no business to mind. Now, does Black have any idea that you fancy him?"

"Seeing as how I've never danced naked in front of him shouting, 'I love you, let's pretend to make babies!' I doubt he's noticed."

"I know that Black is oblivious, transparent, and extremely obnoxious, but he isn't dumb, Remus. Surely he's noticed a bit."

"He knows that I'm gay, but only because I made the mistake of confiding in Peter-"

"That _was_ quite idiotic of you."

"So Peter told James, who told Sirius, and the three of them threw me a parade in the Great Hall at dinnertime."

"I remember: They were holding signs that said, 'Remus is gay and that's okay!' and 'A Marauder is a Marauder, no matter who he snogs!' or something like that."

"Excellent. Ten points for Gryffindor. Then, as if that wasn't enough to completely mortify me into spontaneously combusting, James made a big show of pretending to make-out with Peter under the table. Poor Wormtail, he's so twitchy now, I doubt he'll ever forgive James for that one."

"Honestly, you boys are so immature! No offense."

"No, really, we're complete animals. For a week after that, they propositioned several 'dashing young men, really Moony, fine specimens of our gender' on my behalf, and James and Sirius each took turns grabbing my arse until I charmed James' - well, that's a story for another day."

"Ah. I'll remember that. So you won't tell Black?"

"What, and risk getting the mickey taken out for the rest of our lives? Maybe it's just a crush."

"Maybe it's just Moony."

"He _is _being rather - dare I say - chipper near the full whenever Sirius is around."

"Do…do werewolves mate for life, Remus?"

"…I'm not sure. I've never heard of a gay werewolf, at least not a documented case, so while most werewolves mate for life, would the gay werewolf as well, or would the reproductive instincts change that? Interesting."

"…well, your animalistic urges aside, you really should tell him. You've felt this way for, what, three years now? This isn't going away, Remus. Have you tried…you know, just dating someone else…?"

"Once, in Fifth Year. He was nice. Good-looking. Smart. And by the end of the date, I still couldn't get Sirius out of my head."

"Wow. I had no idea it was that bad."

Sigh. "Yeah. Can we just…drop the subject? All this talking of my unrequited love is giving me a splitting headache."

"Yeah, sure. Just so long as my point has been made."

"Point made and duly noted. Don't you have to tutor that Second Year…?"

"Shit!"

"Well, that's not proper language for Head Girl."

"Stuff it, Lupin!"

Footsteps. Fading laughter.

It was only after all was quiet that Sirius finally poked his head out from the alcove he'd ducked into when it became apparent that Lily and Remus were having an in-depth discussion in the hallway. He pinched his arm, just to make sure he hadn't imagined the entire conversation, and when the sharp sting hit, he grinned manically and laughed loudly - startling a group of Third Years walking past, but really, who cared about _Third Years_?

Besides, it wasn't every day that everything you'd ever wanted basically came out and said they were madly in love with you.

* * *

**I don't even…what? Sad fic is sad. My own lack of imagination makes my heart hurt. Regardless of whether you smiled sadly at your computer screen and shook your head in condescension, please review and express your disgust.**

**And yeah, that's right. Peter betrayed James and Lily because James pretended to snog him and scarred him for life. J.K. Rowling just wasn't sure how to word that, so she improvised. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.**


	23. Property of Sirius Black

**Started out funny, ended sweet. I blame (thank) _Will2Meaning_, because we had a lovely conversation about how difficult it is to write intimacy between these two - because the comedy just comes so readily, and it's hard to make them get serious. And then I was bitten by the sweetie bug (shut up, it's a real thing) and had to finish this lighthearted one-shot with love and cuddling.**

**I just want to take a moment to thank all of my faithful reviewers (and newbies - I accepted all kinds!) who have gotten this little collection up to, at, and past one hundred reviews! You guys are so awesome, it's ridiculous. You're ridiculously awesome. You're awesomely ridiculous. You're all of the above and more.**

**Disclaimer: I was only five in 1996, so I'm pretty sure that I didn't write Harry Potter. Unless I was the more intelligent child in the world, and somehow I don't think I was. In fact, I'm pretty sure that was about the time when I discovered that you could pop Barbie heads off the bodies. Yeah, I was evil.**

* * *

_Setting: sometime in Seventh Year, probably._

"Honestly, Padfoot, let it be."

Dragging his eyes reluctantly away from where they'd been glaring across the classroom, Sirius instead glared at James and hissed, "I can't believe that you of all people just said that. Just earlier this week you threatened to put Chase Markham in the Hospital Wing because he lent Lily a spare quill."

"That's completely different. He was obviously trying to slip her a Love Potion."

"That doesn't even make _sense_. And that's coming from _me_."

James waved his incredulity away as if it was a particularly annoying fly and continued, "Anyway, I'm not even certain it actually happened. Maybe you're just being paranoid."

"I am not _paranoid_, Prongs. That _prat_," he gestured across the classroom towards the Ravenclaw boy taking down notes with that strange focus that only Ravenclaws and the odd Remus and Lily ever seemed able to achieve, "that fucking _git_ violated my Moony. With his eyes. And his mind."

Rolling his eyes, James chanced a quick glance at Remus, seated two rows ahead with Lily (because she still wasn't talking to him - how was he supposed to know that she was friends with Markham?) to make sure their conversation wasn't being picked up by the werewolf's freakish hearing. Satisfied, he turned back to Sirius and retorted, "You're gonna have to let this go, Pads. It doesn't really matter, anyway, you and Remus are happily ever after in love with each other. So what if some guy is checking out his arse? You've been quite vocal about it yourself."

"Prongs, he was practically _drooling_. In his mind. He had a total eye-boner for my Moony's arse, and I won't have it. No one can blatantly stare at his arse but me."

"Ha, get it, _butt me_?"

"Shut _up_, Prongs!"

Before James could retort, a shadow fell over their table. They looked up and winced in unison at the sight of a livid Professor McGonagall looming over them, steam practically pouring out of her ears. "Yes, do _shut up_, Mr. Potter, and follow his example, Mr. Black," she told them stiffly. "If I catch you two talking during my lesson again, it'll be another week of detentions. Now, I suggest you begin taking notes, and if you copy Mr. Lupin's again, I'll give all three of you failing marks on the next quiz."

As she walked away, Remus glared at the both of them and shook his head in disappointment, but Sirius saw the amused quirk of his lips that he couldn't hide as he turned back around in his chair. James nudged Sirius with an elbow and made a vehement cut it out motion that was supposed to put him off whatever diabolical scheme was coming together in his head, and Sirius just smiled and ignored him for the rest of the period.

However, he did take notes. Because an angry Remus equals no sex for Sirius. And no sex for Sirius equals frowny face.

* * *

Later that evening, Sirius kicked their friends out of the dorm, dumped Remus' homework to the side, and proceeded to have his wicked way with his boyfriend. Remus definitely wasn't complaining, but more than once he paused whatever he was doing to frown down (or up) at Sirius, his brow furrowed and his expression confused. Hmm, he was still thinking. That was just unacceptable.

Some time later, they were lying side by side in bed, legs tangled together, and Remus was on his stomach with the sheet half draped across his lower half. His eyes were closed as his breathing slowly returned to normal, and Sirius knew that any minute now, he was going to ask why Sirius was acting weird and jumping him in the middle of his "studies", and he really didn't have an answer that wouldn't lead to an inquisition.

James had been right, the berk. He really didn't have any need to be jealous - he knew that Remus loved him, and the very idea that Sirius thought he would cheat would make his boyfriend furious. Then there would be talk of trust issues (which Sirius did _not _have) and raised voices and slamming doors, and Sirius really hated fighting because it reminded him of home, and then he would lash out at his Moony and say something he really didn't mean, and that hurt look that he hated would be in Remus' eyes, and then he'd feel like a huge arse and throw himself off the Astronomy Tower. That was one scenario, a scenario Sirius wanted to avoid at all costs, because he liked living, thank you.

So he glanced around the room, trying to find something to distract his Moony, preferably something shiny. In a stroke of true inspiration, he grabbed Remus' Self-Inking quill from the floor and rolled over and onto his boyfriend. Remus made a small sound that was less indignant and more pained, and Sirius rearranged himself so that his more bony bits weren't puncturing something important. "Pads, what in Merlin's name are you doing?" Remus asked in a tone that said he was resigned to whatever harebrained idea had migrated into Sirius' head from wherever stupid ideas came.

"Just lay still, Moons. I don't want to mess up," Sirius told him, checking the quill tip to make sure there was still ink left before grasping hold of his boyfriend's hip to hold him in place.

"What are you-" The question turned into a startled yelp when Sirius touched the quill to Remus' left buttock and, pressing lightly, began writing. "Sirius, what are - why are you - are you drawing on my - _Sirius_!"

"Hold still, Moony, you're going to make it go all wonky."

"I'll make _you _go all wonky if you don't answer my question! Ouch, you Neanderthal, that bloody hurts!"

"Don't be such a baby."

"You're poking me with a pointy stick!"

"Technically it's a quill-"

"Don't correct me!"

Sirius grinned as he finished with the left cheek and started on the right, making the words smaller to fit them all in (with all the chocolate he eats, one would think Remus' arse would be wider than it is). After attempting (and failing) to break free for another twenty seconds or so, Remus finally gave in and sighed, resting his head on his pillowed arms and closing his eyes once more.

"Aaaannnnddd….there!" Sirius finished with a flourish and grinned down at his artwork with pride. "All done! You're looking quite lovely, pet."

His legs were still pinned by Sirius' body, but Remus managed to twist himself around just enough to make out a large cursive 'S' and his eyes widened in horror. "Sirius! Did you just write your name on my arse?!"

"Don't be ridiculous, Moony. I wrote 'property of Sirius Black' on one cheek and 'if you can read this, you're too close to Sirius' property' on the other."

Remus gaped at him in shock, his lips moving slightly as if they wanted to form words but didn't have permission from his brain. While he waited for his boyfriend's brain to reboot, Sirius turned his attention back to his handiwork. Remus really did have a pretty arse, all firm, pale skin, flawless but for the odd scar, and it made the black letters stand out sharply in contrast. It looked…_really good_.

"Sirius Orion Black, you better - _did you just bite my arse_?!"

Propping himself back up on his elbows, Sirius stared down at the faint imprint of his teeth at the curve where back and arse joined, and grinned happily. "Maybe."

"Maybe?!"

"Yes. I might have intentionally bitten your arse. On purpose." Sirius beamed. "Not just in my mind. I can actually _do _it. Because you're mine."

"I don't remember giving you permission to bite me anywhere, least of all my arse," Remus mumbled, but he didn't sound angry. His lips twitched once, twice, then he let them curve up into a smile. "Alright, my boyfriend cum cannibal, are you going to explain any of this?"

Sirius wriggled his way over to lay beside him, keeping one possessive hand over the faint bite mark. When they were face to face, he kissed the tip of Remus' nose and said, "In a bit. Can we just lay here for a while? Just like this."

Remus eyed him for a minute (more evaluating than suspicious) and lifted one shoulder in a shrug, shifting just enough to pull Sirius into a slow and lazy kiss. "Alright," he acquiesced easily when he eventually drew back. "But just for a while. We have to finish our homework, and you need to explain yourself. And you're helping me wash this ink off tonight."

Huffing out a complacent sigh, Sirius nodded and closed his eyes, breathing in Remus' comforting scent and unconsciously caressing the skin beneath his hand. "Alright. Love you, Moons," he mumbled, reaching out to the back of Remus' head and curling his fingers through the slightly sweat-damp sandy hair.

"I love _you_, Pads," Remus mumbled right back, smiling when Sirius made a small sound of contentment.

They lay there in silence for no more than three minutes before Sirius asked, "Hey Moony, how do you feel about tattoos?"

* * *

**Is it bad that while I was writing the conversation between Sirius and James, I kept picturing the scene from Boy Meets World? You know, when that boy asks Topanga for a pencil and Shawn gets in his face and says, "They're not divorced, Kenny! It's just a trial separation!" Oh, I'm so excited for the spin-off; I hope it's just as awesome, although that seems doubtful. Is anything from present times ever as awesome as stuff from the nineties? The answer is a resounding NO. Except iPods. I love mine SO MUCH.**


	24. Complete Pants

**Why? Because I like to watch (write? read?) Remus eff up and fail at potion-making. Some fan fiction authors just want to watch the Internet burn. That, and I find the idea of a frazzled Remus and a patient, loving Sirius to be incredibly adorable.**

**I have no idea what Remus' potion was - I made it up. I used ingredients already mentioned in the books because I'm lazy and unimaginative like that. Draw your own conclusions.**

**Oh, and by the way, guys, I made a thing. (A thing, you say? What sort of thing?) A tumblr, I made a tumblr. (Oh sweet baby Jesus, that's amazing! I will follow you right away!) That's great, as I have exactly three followers and feel unloved. But seriously, guys, I put a link on my profile - I promise to post updates on when I am/am not writing, and you can ask me questions like, "What color socks are you wearing?" and I can reply, "I live in Florida, we don't wear socks, we wear sandals." or perhaps, "Did you know there's a large tropical storm scheduled to hit your state tomorrow?" and I can shriek, "AAUUUGHH, I'M GOING TO DIE! Just kidding, this is normal for us. We are soooo used to it. Thank you for worrying about my safety, though." And then you can say, "Your blog is a complete mess. What are you, six?" I will then pout and reply, "No, I have no idea what I'm doing, no one explained me how to do the tumblr." Which, now that I look at it, does in fact mean that I am six. I'd blame babysitting a six-year old all day, but he's far more articulate than I am.**

* * *

_Setting: sometime mid sixth year, a dark, dank dungeon beneath the school that no sane person would ever choose to be in unless forced against their will_

"Moony, you don't add the salamander blood until the potion is turning umber," Sirius said, a smug smirk on his face as he stopped his friend's mistake for the fifth time since class had begun.

Their shared cauldron was bubbling away next to Remus, and he cast Sirius a quick glare as he corrected himself. "Since you're so _ace _at Potions, why don't _you _do the work and _I'll _supervise?" he grumbled, squinting down at his book.

Sirius managed to flash him a toothy grin before turning back to the girl he was flirting with, a pretty Hufflepuff with blonde curls. "Poor chap is complete pants at Potions," he explained to her with an air of great sadness. "Needs all the practice he can get."

She leaned around Sirius to peer at Remus and asked, "Why did you choose to go for the Potions N.E.W.T. if you're not very good at it?"

Remus gritted his teeth as the bloody _bird _spoke directly to him and bit out, "'Cause I'm a bloody masochist!"

"Now now, Moons, don't take your ineptitude out on poor Shelley," Sirius scolded him fondly, eyes dancing with glee as what he dubbed 'Moody Moony' came out to play.

"Spell 'ineptitude' and I'll apologize."

Shelley appeared quite unfazed by his attitude and smiled brightly. "So you're in Gryffindor as well?" she asked.

"Well spotted," he snorted as he carelessly skinned the shrivelfig and fairly tossed it into the cauldron. "So you've seen my tie, have you? Nicely done."

"_Remus J. Lupin_!"

"Yes, Mum?"

Sirius rolled his eyes at his friend's sarcastic response and shook his head at Shelley. "My dear, I apologize for Moony here. It's close to his time of the month."

"Oh no, I quite like him," she replied enthusiastically. "How long have you two been friends?"

The two boys glanced at each other, then Sirius answered, "Oh, five and a half years, give or take a bit."

"Right. Every time he says something stupid, I subtract five minutes - so technically, we'll be friends in the year 1994."

"Stop being so crabby!" Sirius admonished, his expression the exact opposite of upset. "Shouldn't you be worried about the smoke?"

"Smoke - oh shit!" Remus groaned, whirling around and staring helplessly at the dark plumes of smoke rising from their cauldron.

From where he stood across the room, admiring Lily's own cauldron, Professor Slughorn called out, "Language, Mr. Lupin, that'll be five points from Gryffindor! Now, if you'd be so kind…"

"Yes, Professor," Remus mumbled, waving his wand and causing the air to clear instantly. Ignoring the snickering filling the room, he poured all of his not inconsiderable concentration and will into righting the potion, despite the fact that it was a worrying shade of lilac rather than the pretty green it was supposed to be at this stage.

Sirius and his _little friend _thankfully kept him out of their sickening display of flirtation for the next hour or so, most of which Remus spent sweating, cursing under his breath, and praying to every heavenly being he'd ever heard of that he wasn't making a deadly poison - while Sirius was the tester, he didn't actually want to _kill _him, perhaps just give him really uncomfortable stomach or intestinal pains.

Finally, he'd performed all of the steps and was simply standing there, staring down into the cauldron in dismay. He'd fucked something up. It wasn't even the right _consistency_, let alone the right _color_. A hand landed heavily on his shoulder and Sirius gave a low whistle when he caught sight of their potion. "Blimey, mate. This might be one for the books. You know, for the Potions Remus J. Lupin Has Tried and Failed to Make: Sixth Year Edition."

"It's your own bloody fault for mucking about with _Shelley_. You're a lousy chaperone. You had one job, Padfoot, _one job_."

"I'm sure it's not _that _bad. Come on, let's get on with it." Sirius reached out to grip the table and pretended to brace himself for a blow.

"Alright, you get first sip," Remus said absently as he ladled a bit of the potion and brought the wooden spoon to face Sirius, holding his other hand cupped beneath it to avoid spilling. "Hopefully this isn't poison."

"Got a Bezoar handy?" Sirius joked, but opened his mouth to allow Remus to pour the potion inside. He swallowed and waited a beat before frowning. "Not poison, then, but I'm not-" He cut off, his eyes going wide then glazing over, his mouth curving upwards into a dreamy smile.

"Sirius?" Remus said nervously when his friend neither began speaking nonsense nor keeled over.

At his name, Sirius' eyes rose to meet his, then Remus cried out in alarm as Sirius launched himself forward and sent them both crashing down, Remus' elbow knocking into the cauldron and sending their potion and marks for the day spilling out onto the stone dungeon floor.

"Black, Lupin, what in Merlin's name…?" Slughorn shouted as he waddled over to them as fast as his short, stubby legs could carry him.

James and Peter stared from across the room as their friends rolled around on the floor. "Sirius, get off!" Remus yelped, struggling to pry the arms from around his neck. "Get off, you daft mutt!"

Surprisingly, Sirius immediately let go and sat back on his haunches like a dog, staring wide-eyed with that same dreamy smile on his face. "What happened?" Slughorn asked as he finally made it to them and hastily vanished the potion spilled out on the floor, but not before noting the color and frowning. "Today's potion was supposed to be indigo, boys; yours was chartreuse. And _lumpy_."

Remus winced and rubbed at his neck, where Sirius' admittedly weak hold had left his skin warm and tingly, a fact he mentally filed away for later contemplation. "Er, I may have messed up, just a bit, Professor."

Slughorn sighed, "Oh Mr. Lupin…" He turned back to Sirius and frowned. "Are you alright, Mr. Black?" he asked gently.

Sirius' expression didn't falter, not even when he said, "I can't believe I didn't see it before."

"Er, Mr. Black?" Slughorn asked uncertainly, and he actually jumped a little when Sirius suddenly stood. "Mr. Black-"

"You're so pretty, Remus," Sirius spoke over him, his eyes trained on his dumbfounded friend. He crossed the distance between them in three long strides and…stroked his hair? "Your hair is so shiny, Remus, how do you get it to be so shiny?" he asked, taking a step closer as his other hand joined the first, combing through the strands with steadfast focus. "And it's so soft!"

If he hadn't just potentially broken his best friend, Remus might have found the situation comical (James and Peter certainly did - they were in near tears, clutching each other simply to stay on their feet), but at the moment it was as far from funny as it was possible to be. Ignoring the strange hair-petting, his horrified gaze strayed past Sirius to Slughorn, who looked about as freaked out as he himself felt. "P-professor?" he said nervously. "I - what potion did I give him? Can you fix it?"

The question seemed to startle Slughorn from his thoughts, and his face screwed up into a puzzled scowl. "I'm not entirely certain, Mr. Lupin. It doesn't appear to be anything immediately life-threatening, but I'll have to investigate the situation further before I can form a viable hypothesis."

Turning to face the rest of his students, he clapped his hands together and announced, "In light of Mr. Black's, er, current condition, class is dismissed for the day! Please place a vial of your Babbling Beverage at the front of the classroom and clean up your work areas!" To Remus, he added more quietly, "Gather your and Mr. Black's belongings and come to my office, Mr. Lupin."

Swatting at Sirius, who now had his nose pressed to his head and was blatantly sniffing his hair, Remus replied, "Yes, sir."

As soon as Slughorn swept away (most likely to praise Lily some more on her exemplary potion), James and Peter hurriedly bottled their potion and rushed over to them. "Bloody hell, you sure know how to liven up a lesson, Moons!" James exclaimed, grinning as if the entire debacle was put on purely for his entertainment. "What did you feed him, a Love Potion?"

"Shut it," Remus snapped, his stomach sinking at the thought. _Was _it a Love Potion? Sirius hadn't made any grand declarations of love as of yet, but he was now - _was he actually _licking _his hair?! _"Sirius, stop that!"

"It's actually really creepy, when you look at it from this angle…," Peter commented, tilting his head to the side.

"Licking your friend is creepy at every angle!" Remus growled, jerking away from Sirius, who merely hummed and tried to move in again. "Sirius, honestly, stop licking me!" he protested. "Oi, you two lumps, help me out here!"

James chuckled and moved to their vacated work area. "Alright, we'll pack up your stuff!" he said joyfully, shoving Remus' textbook into his bag without sparing a second thought for Remus' organizational order (Potions book next to _Charms_, not _Herbology_, you prat). "Wormtail, stop staring, get Pad's bag."

"But look, now he's biting his ear, that's super creepy-"

"_Peter, I will end you_!" Remus hissed, putting space between himself and Sirius with a mighty shove that managed to knock his friend somewhat off balance for all of three seconds before he was back to nuzzling Remus' ear.

"Er, right, get Padfoot's bag, right."

After much pushing and shoving, laughter and joking (and Remus' thinly-veiled threats), they managed to get Sirius to Slughorn's office - he wouldn't leave Remus' side, and at one point he actually tried to hold Remus' hand, which earned him a slap upside the head. The professor waddled in a minute later and frowned at the four of them. "Mr. Potter, Mr. Pettigrew, it would be best if you waited outside," he told them. "This is a rather delicate situation. I'm going to be asking several probing questions, and I'm sure Mr. Black wouldn't appreciate his privacy being invaded, were he in his right state of mind."

"What? But-but Remus gets to stay!" James whined, pointing at his friend quite obviously.

"Well, he's a bit glued to my side, isn't he?" Remus retorted, grimacing at a particularly sharp tug on his ear. "Sirius, if you don't stop messing about with my ear, I'll never help you with your History of Magic homework again."

Sirius didn't appear worried - it was pretty much an empty threat, anyway.

Sighing loudly, Slughorn simply waved a hand towards the door. James held out for a moment longer, then he dropped Remus' bag and stalked moodily out of the room, Peter trailing closely behind. Before closing the door, they heard James call out, "I am not happy about this! Just so you know!"

Remus rolled his eyes and reached up a hand to massage at his temple where a friendly neighborhood migraine was beginning to cheerfully knock. "I apologize for that, sir," he told Slughorn wearily.

"Never mind that, my boy - bring Mr. Black over here, yes, there's a good lad - take a seat - no, not on Mr. Lupin's lap, Mr. Black, on the _chair_ - this is going to be much more difficult than I originally anticipated."

Half an hour later, the migraine was throbbing insistently at Remus' temple and Slughorn knew quite a bit more about the Marauders than was comfortable (not anything particularly incriminating, however - or, nothing that would get them thrown out of school, at least), and he was now settled back in his large, overly-plush office chair, his chins quivering as he sat deep in thought, chewing absently on his lip. After a moment of deliberating silence, he seemed to come to a decision and nodded.

"Well, it is my professional opinion, Mr. Lupin….that what you brewed in class today was a potion of unknown properties," Slughorn concluded. At Remus' dismayed expression, he added, "However, I don't believe it has negatively affected Mr. Black's health, and the effects should wear off within twenty-four hours. I feel it would be best if you and Mr. Black confine yourselves to Gryffindor Tower until then, and I've already sent word to Professor Gibbles explaining why the two of you won't be in Defense Against the Dark Arts this afternoon." When Remus opened his mouth to protest this, Slughorn held up a staying hand. "That wasn't a request, Mr. Lupin," he said tersely. "You are responsible for your friend, and if anything injurious happens under your watch, I'll change my mind and be forced to hold you personally accountable for this entire episode. That means suspension, at the very least, and I'd rather avoid that if at all possible."

Swallowing his objections, which was difficult with the lump of fear lodged in his throat, Remus nodded weakly. "Yes, Professor. I'll watch over him," he promised.

An hour later, he was extremely tempted to watch as Sirius flew from the Astronomy Tower - to the ground.

"Sirius, please, I am trying to concentrate!" he groaned, smacking his friend's hands away from his ankle - and really, what was so fascinating about his fucking ankle? "This essay is due tomorrow and I refuse to use the 'my friend wouldn't stop stroking me' excuse."

"Your skin is so pale and soft," Sirius mused aloud, that dreamy smile that was really starting to get on Remus' last nerve making another appearance. "And you're not as hairy as I thought you would be, considering your furry little problem and all. Can I see your toes?"

Remus scrunched up his face in disgust, but looked around the common room once again, just to make absolutely certain there was no one else there. They were still quite alone, so he let go a sacrificing sigh and bent to remove his left trainer. "When you're back to yourself again, I'm going to tease you mercilessly over your apparent fetishes," he warned, tossing the shoe to the floor and carefully removing the sock as well. "There. It's a good thing I'm not James, you'd have keeled over by now." There was a rumor that James' foot odor could fell a giant - they had yet to locate one and test out the theory. "Get to it, then." He wiggled his toes in a teasing manner with a short laugh that morphed into a yelp when Sirius grabbed his foot and yanked, nearly pulling him off of the couch and into the table.

"Aww, your toes are so cute!"

"_Are you bloody serious?_"

"I should hope not."

Great. Lost his mind - didn't lose his sarcastic streak. Lovely.

Another half hour went by before people started wandering in. As soon as the Portrait Hole opened, Remus snatched his foot back and hastily worked his trainer back on, stuffing the sock into his bag along with his Herbology text, parchment, quill, and ink well. Sirius was pouting, but immediately brightened when Remus hissed, "Grab your bag and don't say a word, and I'll let you hold my hand."

He slung his bag over his shoulder and grasped Remus' hand tightly as Remus quickly led them up the stairs to the boys' dorms, just as the common room began to fill with voices. They made it to their dormitory without incident, but when Remus made to drop Sirius' hand, he was met with a whine. "What, you want to…seriously? We're - but you - alright, come on then, let me get a bit comfortable, at least," he grumbled, setting his bag onto the floor near his trunk and collapsing onto his four-poster with a relieved sigh. His migraine had never really left, but now that he was able to relax and close his eyes against the light streaming in through the windows, it was starting to slowly ebb away. That might or might not have had anything to do with the fact that Sirius had settled onto the floor beside him and was still holding his hand while his thumb stroked reverently over his knuckles.

So of course the door flew open then to admit their bumbling fellow Marauders.

"Aww, look Wormtail, they're so cute!" James cooed, slinging his schoolbag somewhere across the room while carefully juggling the food cradled in his arms. "This looks very familiar, where have I seen-? Oh right, the Hospital Wing."

"What are you on about, Prongs?" Remus mumbled, throwing the arm that wasn't occupied over his eyes.

Peter was the one to answer, saying, "Well, Sirius does this every full, doesn't he? Sits by your bed the morning after and holds your hand?"

That warranted sitting up a bit, which Remus couldn't be bothered to do, but he did remove his arm shield and peered at them incredulously. "He does what?"

"Didn't you know?" James asked in surprise. "Actually, come to think of it, you're usually out until afternoon, and he's pretty sneaky about it, but…well, you never have those nightmares when he holds your hand."

_Those nightmares_. Right, the terrifying ones he used to have after full moon, the nightmares that ranged from waking up as a werewolf and not being able to turn back, to finding himself in a cage and hearing from a stony-faced Dumbledore that he'd ripped his friends apart during the transformation. Those had thankfully stopped during his second year - he'd always imagined it was because his friends knew and his guilt had lessened, but that was also when they started showing up in the Hospital Wing the day after. His mouth opened, but words failed him. He tried again and managed, "He…does he really?"

James nodded. "Every time - well, except during the whole Snape debacle. But yeah, he's always in there, holding your hand. I like to call it the After Hair Care, myself."

Remus looked to Sirius, suddenly remembering that he was sitting right there and could hear them talking of him like he wasn't, but Sirius didn't seem to be listening. He was still largely occupied with studying Remus' hand and hardly seemed to notice there were others in the room. Clearing his throat audibly and blinking away sudden tears, Remus said, "Right. Well, I suppose I should tell you lot what Professor Slughorn said…"

After he'd relayed all that he knew, James and Peter were gob smacked. "How does he not know what potion it is?!" Peter asked incredulously. "He's the bloody Potions teacher!"

"Well, apparently I'm just that good," Remus joked, but the delivery was weak at best. "But he did say it wasn't life-threatening, so I suppose we'll just have to deal with the situation accordingly. I just wish we didn't have to stay up here all day, I'm starving."

Peter brightened at that and held up a covered tray no one had realized he was holding. "Oh, that reminds me! I thought, since you skipped lunch, you might be hungry, so Prongs and I snuck down to the kitchens after DADA and grabbed some food!"

Remus actually _did _sit up at that and watched eagerly as Peter lifted the cover to reveal at least a dozen sandwiches that smelled better at that moment than any food had a right to smell. "Oh Pete, I think I may love you!" he sighed gratefully, reaching out to grab one - and then being yanked back to the bed. "Hey, what - Sirius!"

"Stay away from my Remus!" Sirius growled, curling a protective arm around Remus' shoulders and glaring at a startled Peter. James' shoulders shook with silent laughter as he placed his own load of food on the bedcovers.

"Oh for the love of - Sirius, I was joking!" Remus told him, exasperated and a little bit thrilled and mostly just _hungry_. "I'm not going to run off with Pete, you can still hold my bloody hand, just let me have a sandwich before I starve to death, _please_!"

As before, Sirius immediately brightened and allowed Remus to move forward again, beaming with pride and sticking his tongue out childishly at Peter and a bemused James. "Can I hold his other hand, Pads?" the latter asked with a sly smirk.

"NO!"

Sirius' behavior became more and more zealous as the day wore on, and Remus' head ached more and more, and by the time they were ready for bed, he was seriously considering the possibility of being expelled if he could just smother his friend with a pillow, just for a few hours. In the end, however, he merely shut himself up in the bathroom to change into his pajamas and threatened to castrate him if Sirius so much as thought of breaking down the door, and then he emerged and stood beside his bed with eyes averted as Sirius, who obviously was completely shameless and had no qualms about nudity, stripped and pulled on his own pajamas in front of a horrified Peter and a catcalling James (who was definitely getting punched in the face after all of this was over).

It was then, however, that a thought struck Remus and he froze in place. "Remus?" Sirius questioned softly, running a hand down the boy's arm in a comforting gesture.

"Um…I don't suppose you're going to sleep in your own bed…?" Remus asked.

"No, I wanna sleep with you!" Sirius demanded, his brow furrowing as if he were honestly confused as to why it would even be a question.

Remus sighed. "Right, thought so." He shot a glare at James before he could comment and climbed into his bed with nothing more than a displeased grunt. "If you snore, I'll hex you," he threatened as Sirius crawled in beside him, dreamy smile and all. "Goodnight everyone, and if I find any pictures of this, I won't hesitate to slip a Love Potion to both you and Snape, James!"

"Moony, that's not even funny!" James cried out seconds before Sirius reached over and pulled the curtains shut, leaving the two of them in the dark.

It was a bit awkward at first - Sirius wanted to spoon and Remus kept scooting further away until he almost fell off, but eventually he gave in and let Sirius curl around him. Honestly, it wasn't unpleasant at all, unless you counted the fact that he was being forced into this position against his will, but even then the argument fell short because he'd secretly wanted nothing more than to be this close to Sirius, even if he'd never let himself actually think about the possibility. Now that he knew exactly how it felt to be held by someone, Remus doubted he'd ever again be able to sleep alone.

He'd almost drifted off to sleep when the arm draped across his middle shifted, and Sirius whispered, "Moony?"

"Mm?"

"I love you, Moony."

Remus smiled. "I love you too, Pads."

Sirius shifted again, and this time his breath was hot against Remus' ear when he said, "No, I _love _you."

Swallowing heavily at the admission, Remus opened his eyes in the darkness when his heart clenched painfully in his ribcage. The words sounded so sincere, his voice full of emotion, and - it wasn't real. His hope plummeted and he let out a small noise of distress. "Remus? What's wrong?" Sirius asked, worry coloring his tone. "What is it?"

"I…nothing," he choked out, burying his face into the pillow beneath him and wondering how it was possible for his heart to hurt more than his still throbbing head. "Just…migraine."

"Oh." Sirius' hand slid up from Remus' waist to his head and he began running fingers through his hair once again, kneading and applying gentle pressure to his scalp until Remus relaxed against him. "Feel better?" he whispered, nuzzling into Remus' shoulder when he hummed in assent.

Remus was completely boneless and rested when the fingers suddenly stopped their massage. "Can I kiss you?" The sleepy haze he was in would later be blamed for his calm, "Yes."

Then his head was being tipped to the side and there were slightly chapped lips pressed to his cheek and he chuckled a bit at the placement until Sirius corrected himself and _oh_ was all he thought for the next several minutes. He didn't have much experience, but it was obvious that Sirius was a _really _good kisser, well he had had a lot of practice, if the rumors were to be believed, he was out snogging girls…

_Girls._

He pulled away so fast that his head reeled and he pressed his face back into the pillow until the vertigo passed. _Oh Merlin, I just kissed my straight bewitched best friend._

"Remus?"

Without bothering to lift his face from the pillow, Remus said, "I think we should go to sleep now, Sirius. We'll talk in the morning." Except it came out as more of a long groan.

Either way, Sirius seemed to get the message and replied, "Okay. Goodnight, Remus."

He didn't have the mental or physical energy to lift his head, so he mumbled his goodnight into the pillow and hoped it didn't sound like he was having a bit of a panic attack. Sirius didn't seem to notice his mental anguish, for he was snoring softly within minutes, curled against Remus' side and clutching him as if to keep him from escaping during the night.

After all of the shit he'd been through in his life - being bitten, worrying he'd never be accepted into Hogwarts, feeling guilty that he had to keep such an integral part of himself from his friends, just constantly, _constantly _worrying that the monster he had next to no control over was going to hurt someone he loved - this shouldn't have hurt the most. This shouldn't make him feel so empty. But it did. _Wow, this just might actually kill me_, was the last conscious thought Remus had before he nodded off into the most restful sleep he'd achieved in ages.

The next morning, he awoke to an empty bed. Temporarily disoriented, he stretched his arm out and felt around, expecting to find Sirius had simply rolled over during the night, when there was the creak of bedsprings from across the room and James' voice, strangely quiet, said, "He went down to breakfast with Pete."

Rising into a sitting position, his back against the headboard, Remus blinked until his friend came into focus and frowned when he noted the troubled expression on his face. "Oh? So he's…"

James nodded, and his eyes flicked up to meet Remus' for a second before darting back down to stare at the floor. "He woke up about twenty minutes ago. Peter and I were just starting to move around when he yanked the curtains back and flew straight to the bathroom. We asked him if he was okay, if he wanted to talk about it, but he just…" He shrugged. "It was weird. His face…he looked really…I can't explain it. Not really scared, more…" He trailed off into silence.

His stomach rolled painfully and Remus had to close his eyes to will away the sudden urge to vomit. "Scared," he repeated in a low murmur. "He was scared. Of me."

"No, Remus-" James began, immediately standing to refute the very idea. "I think it was just, the potion, and all that stuff he did in front of everybody-"

The words might have seemed comforting, but they pierced Remus' ears like angry spells and he flinched away from them. Pulling back his bedcovers, he stood as fast as he could without getting dizzy and went to work tugging his pajamas off, for the first time in a very long time not caring that his body was on display. His thoughts were centered on that same word: _Scared. Scared. Scared. _Sirius had actually been _scared _of the situation he'd found himself in. Scared to find himself lying in bed with Remus.

"Remus-"

Grabbing a pair of trousers and a random shirt, Remus pulled them on as fast as he could, ignoring James' increased attempts to get his attention. Slipping into his trainers and stowing his wand in his pocket, he managed to glance to his friend and offered a smile that fell flat. "Don't tell him I left because of him," he pleaded. "Just - if he asks, I needed something from the library."

James' expression grew even more bleak at the request. "Oh Remus-"

"Please, James."

"…alright. Just…" He hesitated. "Are you two going to be okay?"

_Merlin, I hope so. _"Of course!" Remus answered, his tone full of obvious false cheer. "This is just…" But he didn't really know what it was, so he let the statement dangle and left the dormitory without looking back.

Several students tried to gain his attention as he left the common room, left Gryffindor Tower altogether, but he ignored them and didn't slow his rapid pace even when he'd made it down to the ground floor and then outside, where he found his breath immediately came easier. There weren't many students out this morning, and he managed to slip out to the Forbidden Forest without being seen. Rather than enter the dense wood, he instinctively turned to the right and there she was; his favorite tree on the grounds. Not too tall, she had just enough foliage to keep the base of her trunk shady, and that's where he sank to the ground, leaning back and closing his eyes. His breath was coming in panicked little bursts, but he couldn't seem to concentrate enough to calm down.

It wasn't supposed to happen this way. Whenever Remus had pictured finally confessing his feelings to his best friend, they were usually happy fantasies where Sirius would beam and laugh and say something like, "Oh, you too? I've been in love with you for ages!" and then there was usually kisses stolen between fits of giggles and sweet cuddling while their friends jokingly retched in the background. Only occasionally did they go the other way - even then, Sirius had always just given him a pitying look and told him that, "Well, I don't feel that way about you, Remus, but don't worry, we can still be friends!" and Remus would gracefully take the blow and struggle to accept being "just friends".

But this - outright rejection - his subconscious hadn't thought to provide that scenario. He hadn't thought it possible, that Sirius would be so disgusted by the thought that he'd actually…

He stayed there, lost in his thoughts, for what seemed like days but was most likely only a few hours, before his hearing picked up a single set of footprints in the distance, drawing closer, and he panicked for only a second before deflating wearily. This conversation was bound to happen sooner or later, and honestly, he just wanted to get it over and done with so he could move on. Or attempt to move on, anyway.

When the footsteps paused a mere two feet away, he didn't bother opening his eyes. "Heterosexual freak-out?" he guessed, his tone flat.

Nervous shuffling, then a sigh. "Right." Sirius' own tone was cautious, but he lowered himself to the ground anyway, careful to keep a good foot between them.

Silence reigned for several long moments that probably should have been more awkward, but oddly was mostly thoughtful. Just when Remus was contemplating actually opening his mouth and letting the speech he'd been constructing over the past three hours spill forth, Sirius let out a deep sigh and asked, "So, what part are you at, just so I can follow along?"

"…what?"

"You know, like, are you at the 'maybe it's just been a while since I've snogged anyone, this doesn't mean I'm into blokes at all' stage, or are we close to the 'fuck, I am _totally_ into blokes, maybe I should get a tattoo to commemorate this momentous realization, right after I go and write home, 'cause Mum will freak out and I'd rather get it over with in a letter before I have to see her in person'?"

Remus was certain that his mouth was hanging open, but he couldn't exactly concentrate on the fish out of water impression when his brain was busy throwing itself about in his skull in its own version of a tantrum. "What?"

"Well, obviously I skipped that last step - I _definitely _wanted to see the old hag's reaction when she discovered her first-born was a brilliantly shiny poof, and she did not disappoint, let me tell you - I've never seen her turn that particular color before, it was a thing of beauty, really, and I did consider the tattoo-"

"Wait, Sirius," slowly, because when you were trying to get a straight (oh Merlin) answer out of Sirius, it was best to go at a snail's pace so he was forced to pay attention to the question, "are you trying to tell me that you're…gay?"

Sirius blinked as if that was the most idiotic question of the century and replied, "Uh, yeah. Did that not come through in all of the snogging from before?"

Remus spluttered, "What - but - you were bewitched, Sirius! You were enchanted! I fed you a bloody Love Potion, for Merlin's sake! It's not like you actually _wanted _to kiss me."

"Well, that's a bit of a hasty assumption for you to make," Sirius argued, scowling. "I think you've got things a bit turned around, mate. Whatever you're thinking, it wasn't your fault. That wasn't a Love Potion you brewed. It was…I'm not even sure what it was." His expression mellowed from annoyance to confusion, and he drew his knees up to his chest unconsciously as he struggled to find the right words. "I remember thinking 'huh, this looks like utter shite but it sort of tastes like James' mum's special pudding that no one has the heart to tell her is only bearable if you don't breathe while you're eating it', and a second later, I realized you were standing in front of me with that concerned expression that's just so adorable, and it was like you were all lit up and gorgeous and I just couldn't take it, I had to hug you, and…" He made a helpless 'and you know the rest, obviously' gesture with one hand.

Far from putting him at ease, Remus' stomach began that uncomfortable rolling all over again and he was definitely going to throw up - "So, what, you were just forced to see me as some sort of pinnacle of perfection?"

Sirius snorted. "First, you had to know I'd make fun of that word. Pinnacle, really? And second, no, it wasn't like that. It was really more like…I couldn't hold myself back. Usually I'm able to stop myself from giving into those sorts of thoughts, but the potion just…" He shrugged. "It stopped me from stopping myself. Does that make sense?"

No. Nothing made sense anymore, because Sirius had basically just confessed that he often had the urge to touch Remus in a more-than-friendly way, and that just _didn't make sense_. While one part of his tortuous brain was having the mini freak-out he felt that was perfectly justifiable at this point in his life, another was ignoring that part and prompted him to open his mouth and say, "It lowered, or perhaps completely removed, your inhibitions."

"Well, it didn't remove them…otherwise we'd both be expelled from school and I'd be horrified with myself for basically raping you in front of our classmates."

A distressed noise escaped Remus at that, spoken in jest or no, and Sirius winced. "Right, sorry, that was too much sharing," he mumbled apologetically.

They sat in silence for another few moments - and this time it really _was _awkward - while Remus struggled to process and make sense of the complete one-eighty the conversation had taken. Finally, he gave up and simply sighed. "My head is ready to explode - can we talk about this tomorrow?" he pleaded, his eyes sliding shut of their own accord.

"Sure, that's fine," Sirius agreed readily, his tone equal parts amused and disappointed. "Do you want me to…?" he began, trailing off when Remus forced his eyes to reopen. "What I mean is, do you want me to leave?"

Remus sighed once more as he stood, stretching muscles that protested the motion and wincing at the pull. "There's no reason for you to leave if I'm leaving," he pointed out, the corner of his mouth twitching in a sad facsimile of a smile.

"Right."

He was going to just walk away, really. He'd even gone so far as to take several steps, but something in Sirius' tone just sounded…wrong. So even though he really wanted to just leave this conversation for another time - for when it didn't hurt so much to look at Sirius - he glanced back.

Sirius wasn't watching him go. His head was thrown back against the tree trunk and his gaze was directed upwards. As Remus watched, his face contorted into a painful grimace and his eyes squeezed shut and-

He was turning around before consciously ordering his body to do so, closing the distance between them in three long strides and sinking to his knees beside Sirius. "Fuck it," he growled, and Sirius' eyes flew open in shock. "I don't want to wait until tomorrow," he continued, cupping Sirius' face with both hands and drawing their foreheads together. "I'm not exactly sure what any of this means to you, but - I'm tired of being too damn cowardly to tell you how I feel, and I'm tired of not being able to touch you when I want, because I want to touch you _all the time_, and I don't want to waste anymore time if there's a chance that you want this, too. I love you and if you don't love me…I can't say that's okay, because it's not, but I can try to make it be _more _okay, and-"

"Moony," Sirius interrupted, his grin sudden and so damn bright it lit up the whole damn _world_. "Just shut up and kiss me, because I love you, too."

* * *

**Wow, I just love gifting you all with abrupt endings, don't I? I couldn't think of how to end this - so I didn't. Shrug, whatevs, I do what I want. Please don't leave me.**

**So much to say - first, thank you all for not loading my Inbox with "wtf lady, y ain't u updating?" and "u suc!" because that's just plain mean - and poor grammar, which is much worse. This one was much longer - like over six thousands words - and it was very disjointed, but I've been staring at the damn thing for so long that I just got sick of reading it over and decided to post it. Review at your own leisure (she said with a completely straight face, though the thought of not being able to read her lovely reader's feedback caused a part of her to die a swift but painfully violent death.)**

**Let me know if it's as horrible as I fear it is. Also, I didn't do too much proofreading, so if you spot a mistake ("A wild unnecessary comma appears!") be sure to mention it and I'll have it cleaned up in a jiffy.**


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